Wednesday, May 22, 2013

5 Things to Keep After Your Baby Grows out of Them

The other day I noticed something that was slightly odd.  I keep a lot of things that my kids have out grown for very non-sentimental reasons. And, most of the stuff I keep around I wonder how I did without it before baby showed up.

No, I am not talking about keeping baby clothes or other junk so I don't have to buy more stuff for the next brat.  I am talking about the every day ordinary things we take for granted while the brats are infants, and, once they aren't, we still can find 100 uses for these 5 things to justify keeping them around.

Just a Dizzy Dad's list of 5 baby things to keep for Non-sentimental Reasons

1. Vasoline/Petroleum jelly:

This stuff is amazing, and it's not just baby bum grease.  I think of it more akin to duct tape.  It has more uses than I can imagine, and I am amazed that I did with out it for so long.  

Just off the top off my head I love vasoline or petroleum jelly because...

-It's excellent for my scaly old man elbows
-It's a great wound cleaner.  Believe it or not this stuff pulls out splinters that my tweezers miss, and it yanked out a lot of metal shavings from my hand when I sliced a finger open while changing my brakes.
-It's the original chapstick, and windburn preventative in arctic conditions
-I use it to lubricate all kinds of things from ball bearings to shed door hinges.
-It works to waterproof my boots and shoes while shining them. Just rub on a layer or two and rub it off.

Vasoline rocks!

2. Cloth Diapers

Yes, cloth diapers are dirty, rotten, stinky things when used for their intended purpose, but they're washable and when the brat no longer uses them cloth diapers may bring a smile to your face and a huge sense of relief.

They're very useful things.  You can...

-Use them as shop cloths.  
-Use them as hand towels.  Hey, sure they more than likely were covered in poo at one time, but you laundered them and they still soak up water.
-Use them as dish towels
-I use these diapers every time I bake.  Moisten them and drape them over dough that is rising.
-They may not be fancy, but they make awesome napkins, and are more environmentally friendly then paper towel.

Cloth diapers are wicked cool, and, hey, I might as well use them until they fall apart because these suckers were expensive!

3. Diaper Bag  

This little gem might not have been the coolest thing to tote around when you had to, and, yeah, it seemed that no matter how you packed it you could never sift through all the crap in it to get to anything that you wanted quickly, but when it is no longer an essential part of your wardrobe it's "Da Bomb!"

Think of it this way.  You spent a crap load of money on a bag so you might as well...

-use it for eternity as a toy tote
-use it to put tools in.  It's got a zillion pockets and compartments.  It's practically made for this purpose.
-Use it as a carry on or an over night bag.  
-Use it as a laptop bag/book bag/whatever.  These things are spacious, have all sorts of little pockets, and they're sturdy.  Plus, they're super recognizable as a diaper bag, so who would suspect you have your expensive ass laptop in it?

I love me my re-purposed diaper bag!

4. Changing Pad 

Yes, this little luxury saved your couch, carpet, car seat, or whatever from poop stains, but the fun doesn't end there.

Keep it and use it.

-It's a portable work surface you don't mind getting messy.  After all, it wipes clean readily, and you already covered it in poo once or twice.  So, the next time you have an outdoor project and don't want to lose little pieces in the grass slap down the changing pad.
-Some changing pads are big enough and non-absorbent enough that they make great drop cloths for oil changes or whatever.  No one wants to spill oil on the floor of the garage that stuff never comes out.  Changing pad will at least catch it so you can wipe it up without leaving a stain on your fashionable concrete.
-Use it as a kneeling pad to protect your clothes while gardening.  Keep the dirt and grass stain to a minimum.
-Stadium "cushion."  OK, so they aren't all that cushiony, but chances are you are going to have to go to a game or something outdoors at some point in your life, and it will probably be raining, and nobody really like to sit on wet bleachers.  That's where the changing pad comes in handy.   Spread it out, toss it down, and put your bum on it.  (also comes in handy when you forget to close your car windows and it rains like hell)

5. Bottle Tote 

It seems like I had one of these bad boys with me everywhere.  Well, it seems like that because I did and still do, but bottle totes don't just keep bottles cold.  They keep stuff warm too.  You gotta love insulated liners.

And, when your brat starts going to a baby sitters, daycare, preschool, or school school you already have an insulated lunch box to send with them or use yourself.  Chances are the thing is so stained and rancid looking after you're done with it that you probably couldn't even give it away, so you might as well keep it and continue to use it.

So, there they are.  My list of my favorite five things to keep even after baby outgrows them.  Sure, baby may not need them anymore, but it doesn't mean that I don't.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Help! I think the boy has his first crush!

I am not sure, but I am fairly certain that the Pizzmeister has his first crush.  It's cute and disturbing to me all at the same time.  It wouldn't be nearly as weird if I wasn't sure that Two-zy was crushing on the same person.

Who is this mysterious person who has stolen the hearts of my boys?

Candice Jolly: photo found on
Why, it is none other than Candice Jolly!

Who's that?

Well, she is the awesome Monster Mutt Dalmation driver on Monster Jam.  Next to Grave Digger, Ms. Jolly drives the Pizzmeister's favorite truck ever. Just ask him and he will tell you in those exact word, "She drive mine favorite truck ever!"

In fact, I think he may even like her truck more than Grave Digger!

I know.  That would be sacrilege, but truth is truth.

Anyway, as we were watching reruns of past Monster Jam events on hulu she popped up for an interview.  All of a sudden, it got eerily quiet in my house.  I looked over and both boys were standing and staring unblinkingly and slack jawed at the t.v.  They have never been so quiet or still before.  It was a little unnerving actually.

To ease the tension, I decided to start chatting with the boys, asking what they wanted to do for the day, and then I watched the strangest thing.  The Pizzmeister started flicking his hand at me the exact same way that I do when I shoo the cat away.  Then, when I wouldn't shut up, he turned to me and said, "Shush Daddy!  I want to hear this!"

I was floored!

I thought that I had at least a few years left before a female came between the boys and me.  It makes me rather sad really.

But, I understand completely.  Ms. Jolly is wicked cool and when the Pizzmeister said, "Isn't she lovely, daddy?" All I could say was "Yeah buddy she's lovely..." while I looked over and saw Two-zy wide eyed and drooling while she was talking.

And to think, this is only the beginning.  Hopefully, they'll never get into a Bieber phase.  I shudder at thought of them referring to themselves as "Beliebers," that and as "tweens."

Seriously, both terms skeeve me out!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Yay, 32! What did we do?

So, yesterday was my birthing day! Yay, for 32!

Let me tell you, my day was filled with  awesomeness, filled with awesomeness, and bacon!

I probably couldn't have asked for a better way to spend it.  

Yes, it was that great!

What did we do?

Well, we went to the mechanic and picked up the truckster, then we went shopping and picked up all the stuff I wanted for dinner and frosting and shiz for my cake, and then the boys and I just chilled out all day baking bread and the cake and waited for Mama Bear to come home and celebrate with us. 

And, for my birthday dinner?

I chose bacon and camembert cheese with a side of chuck roast.  Yummy, yummy delicious!  I ate so much I was still uncomfortably full this morning.  It was wicked awesome!

And, I got to thinking about how insanely lucky I am...and tired! Perhaps, I can get these bratty boys to agree to nap at the same time, so I can lay down and snuggle them while digesting my food baby from yesterday.   

P.s. While the Pizzmeister and Mama Bear decorated the cake the boys and I baked earlier in the day Two-zy was beside himself with excitement.   

Man, he's getting big!

Monday, May 6, 2013

Waiting to be Old Enough to not Give a Crap...And, Mama Bear Threw me Under the Creepertown Bus!

Recently, I have come to two conclusions.  First, I can't wait until I am old enough to not give a crap anymore, and, second, I am a creeper.

OK I know you want to know what makes me a creeper first, but you'll have to wait because that's just how I am.

Anyway, since the weather has been warmer and sunnier I have noticed a few things that make it so I can't wait to be a bit older, so I can legitimately not give a crap anymore.  

You know what I mean.  

We have all met some old man or woman who just epitomizes the whole "I'm old and I don't give a crap anymore!" attitude.  

These people have so little self-consciousness left that they are perfectly comfortable wearing just their underwear and a tee-shirt out in public or going shirtless while mowing their lawns even though they are my size, which is significantly over weight, because they don't give a crap about what anyone else thinks.

I admire these people for their fortitude.  They can go anywhere, look like anything they want, endure constant criticism, and just not give a damn!  They are who they are, and screw you if you have problem.  

That's awesome in my book, and I hope that one day I will live to an age where I can be like that too.

Over the weekend I also noticed that I am somewhat of an unintentional creeper.

The boys, my parents, Mama Bear, and I all went to the park for a nice little picnic. We were having a a great time, and we eventually made our way to the playground.

That's when I started becoming a creeper I guess.

While we were playing with one of our little rc trucks I noticed that there was a little boy who had just started walking, and he was super excited about our cars.  So, I brought our trucks over to play with him, and noticed that his mommy was not much older than he was.

Naturally, being prejudiced like I am, I assumed that a really young mother at the park with her kid meant that the little boy's father probably wasn't in the picture all the time.  As it turns out, I was right, but that doesn't matter.  I was wrong to assume such a thing, and I am sorry for it.  

Anyway, I felt sorry for the little boy and started playing with him and encouraged my boys to play with him not thinking I was being a creeper at all.  I mean I was just doing what comes natural, ignoring everybody around me and playing with the kids and their new friend.  

Now, I know that my boys are a little overwhelming to some kids, so I was doing my best to involve the little boy we just met in our play.

Unfortunately, I didn't know that by doing so, I was inadvertently "hitting on" the single mom.  I am not sure how, but Mama Bear assures me that the young lady absolutely assumed that I was.  And, to make it worse, Mama Bear was there the whole time and just let me carry on so she could laugh at my creeperness later!

You know, I would assume that a normal partner in crime would clue in a clueless partner, but not Mama Bear.  No, she'd much rather let the creeper town bus run over me and laugh smugly as it does so.

If I was older I wouldn't give a crap, but since I am still relatively young I'm all skeeved out about it.

Now, I'm going to be all self-conscience about playing with my boys and other kids next time we are at the park.  


Thursday, May 2, 2013

Holy Smokes! 15,000

OK, ok I know.  15,000 page views isn't much for most people to get excited about, but to me it is a big freaking deal!  

I mean, for one person to hit refresh on my page 15,000 times must have taken forever! 

With all kidding aside, or maybe not, I just want to take a few moments to say thank you for taking time out of your day to read something that I wrote, and I apologize if you stumbled upon this blog by mistake by using the following google search terms:

"nudies" -(definitely don't wanna see me all necked sorry bro)

"amateur porn" -(again you don't wanna see me all necked bro)

"hot preggers" -(I know I am fat but damn man!  Do I really look all pregnant and shiz?)

"two girls one cup"  -(what the hell?)

"pissing porn" -(is this even a thing?)

"junk in the trunk" -(Yeah I'm a biggy. I'll own that)

"young prostitutes" -(who does a search for that? Yucky! And why did my blog pop up for it?!)

"junk sales" -(yeah.  I love them too.  Try Craigslist)

"Utter balm" -(try amazon)

"I think my kid is killing me" -(me too!  This is probably my favorite search term used to find me)

Again, thanks to all my readers.  You guys are the best!