Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Screwing It Up For Everybody

We have all heard that age old phrase that it only takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch, right?

Well, guess what.  

At least, I'm not as bad a parent as to
 allow a rooster near my kid!  Or is it a
chicken?  Oh, either way,
it doesn't matter.  You
catch my point.
I'm apparently that bad apple according to Mama Bear, who was wicked irritated with me last night.

Here's what happened, and I admit I might have been more useful and less of a trouble maker, but I couldn't help it.  This is just how I roll.

Anyway, last night the boys and I went to bed a little earlier than Mama Bear as she was busy cleaning up after me and taking care of things that I had neglected.

I know.  I am terrible.  In fact, instead of playing on my blog right now I should be cleaning or doing something more productive on the home front as there are only a few precious moments of each day when the bratty boys are both sleeping at the same time.

You all know how hard it is to do anything when there are two bratty kids terrorizing you, and, let's face it, I am just not motivated to be good at cleaning and way motivated to play with the little ones, so I fully admit that I should be using this time to be cleaning or something. 

But, like I said, I'm just not motivated to do that and way more motivated to play because I lack adult sensibility, which is what brings us to the problem I may or may not have created last night at bed time.

I may have allowed the boys to get a little over stimulated last night after Mama Bear sent us off to bed.

But, it's not entirely my fault. Mama Bear knows what I am like, and she knew it would probably happen, so it is as much her fault as mine.  


She should have known that the moment we were out of sight a monster game of "Surprise" was going to happen.  (For those unfamiliar with this game: it is basically the Pizzmeister hiding somewhere and then jumping up and shrieking "Surprise" at you. He finds it hilarious, and so does Two-zy.)

She probably also knew that once we were out of sight I was going to tickle the boys until they almost puked.  Hey, it's just how I roll.  Don't judge me!  


And, I know that she knew that after I tickled the boys we were all going to jump on the bed like the monkeys we are because, as she said herself, this sequence of events happens every time I take the kids up to bed by myself.

I blame it on my lack of foresight.

It is almost like I never had kids before and don't know that riling them up just before bed time means that nobody will get to sleep before 1 a.m.

So, now we are all facing the consequences.

P.s.  please don't ask where I found that photo.  I stumbled on it on my hard drive and decided to use it.  

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Kids T.V. is Designed to Turn our Brains to Mush

photo from google images
Gosh Darn you DJ Lance!  Why must you and Biz be so hypnotically addictive?!

photo from google images

And, if it isn't you two the boys watch non-stop it's that evil Busy Town Mysteries.  

I swear, my already quickly deteriorating brain gets mushier with every episode I am forced to listen to because the boys are little terrorists that enjoy inflicting psychological harm on Mama Bear and I. 

But, I am partly to blame for this because I haven't yet learned to not ask what they want to watch during t.v. time.  Habitually, I always ask, "So what are we going to watch this morning guys?" and then I immediately realize my mistake as soon as those fateful words are uttered.  

It's one of those "My god I hope they didn't hear me" situations, but, of course, they did.  They hear everything you don't want them to hear and nothing you do.

from imdb
So, because of this, every morning during t.v. time I am stuck with either the cool vibes of DJ Lance from "Yo Gabba Gabba" or the slightly less annoying but just as mind numbing sounds of "Busy Town Mysteries" invading my mind through my ear canal like a brain eating parasite.

From Galaxia Rick
From Imdb
I guess I have nothing to really complain about  because, as Mama Bear says, at least it's not "The Adventures of Chuck and Friends" or "Doogal" where the main characters are spoiled and dickish; totally not the type of characters you want your little ones emulating.

Well, maybe you wouldn't mind, but if my little ones start acting like that habitually they are going to receive a few one way tickets to "You better cut that shit out right now Town" courtesy of daddy.

Friday, February 15, 2013

You Can't Compete With Grandparents

So, yesterday was the Pizzmeister's birthday, and besides making porny looking snowman pancakes for dinner, Mama Bear and I bought the boy all sorts of really cool presents, trying to be the super parents we aspire to be.

Well, things didn't quite work out the way I had planned in my mimsy  mushroom brain where I am the raddest dad in the world.  

First, what I thought would be the coolest gift ever doesn't work.  I was so bummed about it, way more upset than the Pizzmeister was.  

Pizzly was all gracious and shiz saying,"It's still way cool dad!"

Sure, he was a little disappointed that he couldn't drive his new mini monster truck, but he quickly recovered and started using it as a push car, so the failure wasn't as epic as I thought.

Plus, after Mama Bear wrote the vendor who sold it to us, telling them of the situation, we immediately got an e-mail back saying that they were sending out a replacement that very minute!

Now, that's awesome customer service and beyond what we were expecting!  

Thank you SnB Wholesale you'll be the first place we look for Two-zy's birthday in July!

Second thing that didn't go as planned; Mama Bear usurped my hero status as an rc driver.  

She bought the boy one of those cool little stunt cars that can do all sorts of nifty tricks.  Of course, being all cocky and shiz, I said I was going to show them both how to run it.  It turns out I was useless, so Pizzles took over and giggled evilly as he could get it to do whatever he wanted.  

Then Mama Bear, who claims to be a terrible rc driver, took over and could pull off all these wicked stunts, which just added to the insult.  

I couldn't even get the darn thing to go forward!


Then the most unplanned thing of all happened.  

Pizzly declared that Grammy and Grampy gave the best gifts of all, which, of course, made me jealous as all hell.

They gave him a little red truck and gave each of the boys a little stunt racer, so they could race around the living room and demolish our house in the process.

Way to make us look bad guys!  Thanks!  

He loved his little red truck so much he wanted to bring it to bed with him last night, but settled for giving it a kiss good night instead because it was filthy from all the fun.

Oh man I was/am so jealous!

Goddamn you Grammy and Grampy for being so freaking awesome!

I wanted to be the awesome one this time.  **Pout**

And the worst part of it is, the other set of grand parents are coming over tomorrow to knock Mama Bear and I completely off the coolness ladder! 

Well, we'll just see about that now won't we?

Since I have no honor, I think I am going to take the boys out on a shopping trip to try and sway the results, but with my luck it will backfire on me because if I have learned anything since becoming a daddy it is this.

You can't compete with the grandparents for coolness.  They will always win and won't even realize it.  It's like magic.  There's no other explanation for it.

So, I might was well let the inevitable happen and wait until it's my turn to spoil the crap out of a grand kid.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I'm Not a Creepy Loser Who Loves Toys. I'm a Daddy!

Ok, so I might be a creepy loser too, but I have an excuse for oggling the toy section at every store I go to.  

Some results of prior "research projects"  These aren't
fun for me at all.  Oh no, that would be a ludicrous
I'm a daddy and my boys like toys....and so do I.

Therefore, I consider myself a researcher.  I'm not just some loser who never grew up and still likes little kid toys, which may also be true, but that is neither here nor there.  

When I appear to be a creeper hanging around the toy isles, I am actually doing legitimate research.  I'm "researching" all the new and cool stuff I can buy for myself the boys!

Okay, I'll admit that it is a little sad that I get more excited than either of the boys while looking through toy catalogs and what not, and I might look strange when I get excited and jump and flap my arms up and down when I see a new toy that I know the boys will love, but I can't help it, and I am sure I am not the only parent like this. 

I want to spoil them rotten because, in doing so, I am also spoiling myself.

The boys and I have the same taste in toys right now, which rocks because at least I know what to buy them since it's a reasonable assumption that if I think something is super cool, then they will too.  I am also not foolish enough to believe that this will always be the case, so I am perfectly willing to take advantage of this phenomenon as long as possible.  

Soon enough Two-zy will stop being infatuated with his brother, and he'll stop enjoying the toys that Pizzlemeister likes.  And, I know that once the Pizzmeister starts school in a couple of years he'll start wanting the lame stuff that his classmates crave, but it's not like that now.  

At this moment, we all agree that radio controlled vehicles are wicked awesome! 

So, I am happy to oblige them and litter our little house with rc cars, trucks, and helicopters since the word moderation doesn't exist in my modest vocabulary.

Two-zy and I watching Pizzly drive his awesome truck
After all, this may be the only time in their childhood where I don't have to fake it.  

I actually really like their toys and want to play with them too.  This will probably change next month, so why not take advantage of the here and now?   

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Have You Taken Your Vitamins Yet Today?

Everyday the Pizzmeister stands and watches me take a multitude of medications and vitamin supplements, and, quite frequently, he will remind me if I have missed a pill by saying "Uh oh, you need that vitamin daddy!"

Anyway, this morning was no different.  Mama Bear left for work.  I ambled into to bathroom and started counting out my various pills while the Pizzmeister watched and said "You need that vitamin and that one...."

Soon our routine was over, but the boy was still squalling that I had forgotten one.

Me- Buddy I took them all.  I'm good until bed time now.

Pizzly- Daddy you need one more!

"Great!" I thought.  "What if the tyke is right?  I'll just have go without it because if I take a double on one by mistake that could be a big problem."

So, I said, "Well Buddy, I don't know which one I missed, so I'll just skip it.  That way I won't take the wrong one by mistake." And then I marveled at how observant the little brat was. 

He was not to be deterred however.  He insisted that I missed one and was sure it was important, telling me so about 100 times while I searched desperately for a dropped pill.

Eventually, I got a bit pissy and finally asked "Alright pal, which one was it?!"

Immediately I felt bad because the Pizzmeister looked up at me with his big puppy dog eyes and meekly said, "Vitamin hug."

I'm such an asshole!

Here I am getting frustrated with my son, who only wants to hug me.  I felt so ashamed that as I yanked him up and hugged him I felt like crying.  

And then he said,  "Ooh, that was a good one daddy!" and ran off to give Two-zy his vitamin.

The Pizzmeister was right.  Vitamin Hug is the most important vitamin that I take, and, unlike my other vitamins and meds, I can't overdose on it. 
I can have as many Vitamin Hugs as I want worry free, and they always make me feel good/better instantly.

In fact, I am going to go and get one right now. I recommend you do the same and often.