Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Admitting You Have a Problem is the First Step

Apeshit: (according to urbandictionary.com)
A state of anger and rage that produces behavior more closely resembling that of an enraged ape than a human.

From the habit of enraged apes of flinging their own feces at their object of anger (if you haven't experienced this phenomenon first hand consider yourself blessed).
Billy-Bob went apeshit when Jimmy-Joe puked up four moon pies on his '68 Dodge Dart.

Apeshit: (according to Just a Dizzy Dad and Family)
(Verb) To apply an unnecessary amount of force mechanically to the point of mechanical failure; to over tighten; to break tools by applying too much force.

(i.e.) You broke the emergency break cable because you apeshitted the e-break lever up into place./When you apeshit the lid onto the pickle jar I cannot open the jar./ The ratchet broke because you apeshitted the bolt down, and the ratchet couldn't handle the torque.

So, after Mama Bear gave me a a good stern talking to last night, intervention style, I have come to the conclusion that she may be right about me.  It is time for me to change my wicked ways.  

Well, either I change or we go broke fixing the stuff that I break.  I just may really have a problem, and it is time to admit it.


I am a chronic apeshitter.



I am not sure when I started down this destructive path of perpetually over tightening stuff, but I imagine I couldn't have been too old because I have always had a bit of a neurosis about things not being tight enough.  



For example, when I was little, around 13, I was always worried that I hadn't tightened the bolts on my bicycle enough whenever I adjusted the seat or changed the tires, so I would keep going back and tightening the screws until I was sure that I couldn't possibly tighten them anymore.



Well, this worked for me when I was a wee little 13 year old, but it wasn't too long after that that I broke my first wrench, and from there I just haven't stopped breaking stuff.



My shed is a virtual grave yard of broken tools and bent up pieces of random things that I "fixed." Some recent additions to my dead tools list include 5 screwdrivers (2 of which were my father in laws), 2 sockets (one of which was my father in laws),  1 ratchet, 1 lug wrench, 2 lug nuts, and 2 lug nut studs.



This stuff adds up quick and replacement gets pricey, definitely not something I want to worry about just before christmas!



Up until recently I always blamed the tools. if they weren't so shoddy, I wouldn't have broken them.



Well, now, after Mama Bear has pointed it out to me, I realize that is twisted logic.  If I'm the only one breaking stuff, then the problem is me; not the tools.



Thank you Mama Bear for bringing this to my attention...again.





P.s. I can't promise that I will get better or even really try.

      But, for you.  I will try to try.  :)



Monday, November 19, 2012

Rage Filled Rage with Horror!

This post was originally going to be about the upcoming black Friday sales and how I hate them and how I now hate facebook too because it only shows my status updates and blog posts to a few people.

But, then I thought of something.  I don't have to shop on "black friday"  because I have finished all my shopping, and facebook charges me nothing for having a page there.  So, I guess I really have nothing to complain about.


But,  the Pizzmeister does.

He says he wants you guys to either stop waking him up or start bringing him coffee as a peace offering when you do.  He likes it decaffeinated with half cream, half coffee, and an ample supply of sugar.

P.s. He also says that if you want to get into his good graces you could start off by sending him all your gummy worms.

P.P.s.  Yes, I do in fact blame my readers for a lot of the things I do and make the Pizzmeister do, like wake up and go to bed at a certain time, because I hate making him mad at me.  I'd much rather throw you under the bus!  :)

P.P.P.s.  Yes, I know I am weak and pathetic!

Friday, November 16, 2012

Shrink Wrap your Windows!

Seriously, shrink wrap your windows!

I know. I was skeptical of it being a worth while investment of time and energy at first too, but it really works, especially if you live in an older home like me.

Now, if you don't know what I am talking about I'll explain myself.  What I call shrink wrapping your windows is really called weather sealing, weatherizing, home sealing, or whatever.  They all mean pretty much the same thing and you can get handy dandy little kits in just about any hardware or department store to do this, and you can do it all yourself in an afternoon.

Notice that is claims a saving of up to $190 in the top right corner.
I am not sure  about that, but I know doing this does save
you money. 
The kits look something like this, and this one cost me around $10.  They are really easy and straight forward.  Even a klutz like me can finish this project in an afternoon.  I promise.

All you'll need besides the kit is a screw driver, some scissors, a hot air blow dryer, and maybe a tape measure if you really want to be a show off.

First thing that you are going to want to do is take off all the window dressings, i.e. curtains and blinds, on the windows you are going to shrink wrap.  Then clean the window frame because later you are going to adhere double sided tape on the frame to hold the plastic over the windows.

Then cut out a piece of plastic the size you need to cover the window, put the tape on the window frame, put the plastic up, blow dry the plastic to make it shrink down and look smooth, and then put your curtains and blinds back up.  That's it.

Yes, this is kind of a pain in the ass, but it will be worth it.  Mama Bear and I have done this for a few years now, and the difference was notable, and I am positive that the heat retained from doing this did in fact save us some serious money during the winter season because before we learned about this little money saving trick our home was just hemorrhaging heat.  It's not like that now.    That's all I need to be a firm believer, so now we shrink wrap our shiz every winter.


P.s. Using the gaskets on the sockets and weatherstripping the doors helped too, but for us it was the windows that were killing us.


P.P.s.  If you wake up in the morning and your windows have condensation built up on them that means they have a bad seal and you are losing money by heating the out doors.  A little shrink wrap will help you save some of that cash. 


P.P.P.s.  I was in no way approached to post this.  I just thought I would pass along an idea on how we can all save a little money by doing an easy DIY project.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Do You Believe in Magic?

I'm a firm believer in magic.  In fact, there has yet to be a day since these bratty boys came about where I haven't witnessed at the very least one magical moment.

I mean there could be a certain special smile, an especially musical butt blast (why are baby farts so cute?), a moment when the Pizzmeister says something sweet and endearing, or any moment with the boys really.  

All these moments are special and magical.  They all have a bit of a wondrous feel to them where I have to stop and ask myself, "What the hell have I done to deserve this?!"

It's true.  

I ask myself this a number of times everyday, and it is usually in the context of "How'd I get so damn lucky?!" but, to be honest, sometimes I ask it in exasperation too, which involves a fist shaking and hunched down shoulders in what I refer to as my  "pose of resignation."

I won't lie.  

There are times when these little guys drive me batcrap crazy, and I'll swear that  they are masters of the dark arts because they have this awesomely wicked ability to transform themselves from little angels to evil little monkey trolls in seconds!

I mean, one minute the baby will be happy and giggling while the Pizzmeister is playing nicely off by himself, and then, out of nowhere, the baby will start shrieking for no reason while the big boy occupies himself with performing any number of the tricks and stunts that he routinely pulls.  

He might be doing something as harmless as making a race track for his itty bitty monster trucks or something more dangerous like arranging all the chairs in strategic positions through out the house to be used as some sort of crazy toddler obstacle course where he jumps from one to the other totally scaring the crap out of me.

*sigh*

I guess what I am really trying to say is he is always doing something.  The key to guessing what he may be doing is to listen.  If he is chattering to himself chances are he isn't doing something harmful, but the moment he stops talking you can bet he has some sort of crazy world dominating plot going on in his head, and he's about to start working some of his wizardry for evil purposes.

Like, making an impossibly huge mess!

OH THE MESSES THESE KIDS ARE CAPABLE IF MAKING!!!

It's not just the explosion of toys that is messy.  It's the dishes.  

There are always dishes to wash these days!  

It's like they never stop eating!

I swear I just finish doing them and an hour later the sink is full again with dishes and bottles patiently waiting to be washed.  

And, of course, I keep putting off doing them because for some reason I think that eventually I'll turn around and they will have washed themselves magically.  Then, to my grave disappointment, I find that more have piled up somehow.

GODDAMN YOU DISHES FROM HELL!

**Insert the pose of resignation here**

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TOSS ME A BONE HERE AND WASH YOURSELVES?! 

*sob*

I mean, after all, my day is full of magic moments anyway.  What's one more right? 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Oh Fudge It! Peanut Butter Style

Have you ever just stopped and say to yourself, "Self.  I think I might want to try and give myself diabetes today."

You have?

Good.  I have something you may want to try.


Peanut Butter Fudge like Grandma used to Make...I think

Here's what you'll need:

1.5 cups of sugar
1/8 cup of peanut butter
1/2 cup of milk
1/8 cup of butter (I heap it up)
1/2 tablespoon of vanilla extract
1 medium sauce pan
something to let the fudge set in until it firms up (go ahead and use your imagination)

Step 1: In the sauce pan combine the milk sugar and peanut butter and heat to a rapid boil.  Stir frequently so it doesn't scorch.

Step 2: Once the mixture comes to a rapid boil take a moment to revel in the yummy fragrance and reduce the heat to low-medium. Continue to boil until the mixture is at soft ball stage.

Soft ball stage is when the candy is around 232 degrees or when you can drop some of the stuff into a bowl of cold water and mold it into a ball easily.

Step 3:  Once at the soft ball stage remove from heat add the butter and vanilla extract and beat the mixture like you caught it stealing from you until the candy starts to harden or gets firm.  You can speed this up by placing the pan in cold water.  Just make sure no water gets in the fudge mixture.

Step 4: Once the fudge mix is all firm and stuff scrape it into whatever mold you want to use and let it cool for about an hour.  I toss it in the refrigerator, but that's not necessary.

Step 5: Gobble that shiz up!

Enjoy!



Thursday, November 8, 2012

Another of My Dirty Little Secrets

Troll: (As defined by urban dictionary.com)

1a. Noun
One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument.

1b. Noun
A person who, on a message forum of some type, attacks and flames other members of the forum for any of a number of reasons such as rank, previous disagreements, sex, status, ect.
A troll usually flames threads without staying on topic, unlike a "Flamer" who flames a thread because he/she disagrees with the content of the thread.

1c. Noun
A member of an internet forum who continually harangues and harasses others. Someone with nothing worthwhile to add to a certain conversation, but rather continually threadjacks or changes the subject, as well as thinks every member of the forum is talking about them and only them. Trolls often go by multiple names to circumvent getting banned. 

One of the things that I have learned about myself over the years is that I like to fight; not physically, but verbally.  It's my way of keeping sharp-ish.

I like to cross intellectual swords with people.

I like to rile people up.

I like to play the devil's advocate regardless of what I really think just to see how you will react.

Sometimes, I'll even go as far as to research a subject just so I can present an opposing viewpoint to yours.  It doesn't matter if the subject actually matters to me or not.  I don't have to have a vested interest in anything to argue about it.  In fact, it's better if i don't because it gives me a chance to learn much more than I would otherwise.

The internet is awesome for people like me.  There are endless possibilities for verbal combat, especially with the political sites.  

They're like crack to me.

Anyway, Mama Bear accuses me of being a troll, but I'm not really.  I don't name call or change the subject or anything like that.  

I try my very best to be civil, polite, and fight fair.  My aim is to have a semi-intelligent conversation with people or at the very least cause my adversary to resort to petty name calling or other such junior high taunting techniques.  Then I move on to the next discussion until the kiddos wake up or I have to start dinner or clean up something.

Now, the question is "Why do I do it?"

I don't know really.

I guess that there are few reasons why.  Firstly, it is a cheaper way to vent out some of my daily frustrations than beer.  Being stuck in a house filled with little maniacs is sometimes quite frustrating, and instead of taking it out on them I wait patiently for them to fall asleep and then search threw the various news articles to find one that likely has a lot of comments and then throw my 2 cents in. By the time the rugrats wake up I am fortified and ready for more shenanigans.

Secondly, I feel like my mind is slipping.  Much of the time, because of my disease, I feel a little hazy and confused and forgetful, and this frightens me.  I want desperately to stay sharp, honed, and focused.  I am constantly afraid I am losing what little intellectual ability that I have, so I read a lot.  I try my best to inform myself on random topics, and then see what other people are thinking and try to debate them or argue with them or converse with them whatever you want to call it, believing that this is good for my feeble brain.

Unfortunately, I am not very good with intellectual discussions, but I am hoping that with practice I will get better.  My goal is to  eventually be able to think on my feet instead of stumbling with word choices and jumbled thought processes like I do now. 

I just want to be quick thinking and smart like Mama Bear. 

I'll get there...maybe....probably not.

Lastly, and most importantly, the reason I start shit on the internet in random discussion forums is so I can have a happier less combative relationship with my family.    

I find it actually helps my marriage to stay happy and healthy if I argue with random people on the internet because I will get it out of my system before Mama Bear comes home.  

Then, when she comes through the door I don't pick on her as much and try to rile her up with whatever topic comes to mind.  She doesn't need me hassling her like that, and it's just way nicer for me to be on her side than vice versa, and there are two reasons for this.

1. She doesn't like to argue and debate like I do.  It's just not her thing.

2.  I can never win an argument or debate with Mama Bear.  It's simply not possible!  She's just too damn smart and quick witted for me.  It's not a fair fight, and it sucks to always be on the losing side.  

Therefore, I should stick with the news and political sites that I visit.

Also, it is harder to fight fair with your spouse than it is with some random person.  Once you start fighting dirty things start to spin out of control rather quickly, and, before you know it, what started out as a fun, lively discussion turns into a horrible, neighbors calling the cops on you, obnoxiously loud argument.

That's no good for anybody.

So there it is.  Another one of my dirty little secrets.  What's one of yours?

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Taming the Wild Ones

Well, this morning as I went through all the photos we took last night I realized something.  I am a crappy dad!  We took a crap load of pictures last night, but it seems like they were all of the Pizzmeister.  Poor Two-zy!  We really do love you just as much.  I promise to make up for it.

Anyway, here are some photos of our little lion and his monkey brother.  I think there is at least one picture with the monkey in it.  

Taming the Wild Ones

nap time waiting for candy getting
Big brother attack prior to costume


Random photo I am adding because I like it

More big brother attack: Pizzly Getting into character

Eating the baby's tummy

Uh oh Scary lion

"I'm not a lion!  See, I'm just a boy!"

Great Grandma holding a vicious Monkey!

Our little lion is sad that he has to wait to go
trick or treating

Tired of waiting and is now in attack mode

Finally!  We're going to get some candy!

 Hope everybody had a happy and safe Halloween!