Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Crap that I am Thankful For!

Well, it is the time of year that many people reflect on every thing they are thankful for.  Alot of these jokers have been posting little things like, "I'm thankful for chocolate" or something every day for a month on Facebook.  

An ENTIRE MONTH!

Holy crap that seems insane to me!

But...it is somewhat interesting to read some of these status updates because I never see the things I am thankful for pop up on other people's statuses.  Well, besides the generic "I'm thankful for my family" posts that is.

But, that doesn't count.  Everybody writes that.

Anyway, here is a list of what I am thankful for.

Brief List of what Just A Dizzy Dad is Thankful For

1.) These guys:

Of course, I can't formulate a "Things I am thankful for" list with out putting the family on the top of it.  

I may be an asshole, but I am not that big of an asshole!

I may not say it often enough, but these guys are the most important part of my life, and I wake up every morning grumpy, but thankful that I have them.

2.) Coffee:

Oh my Santa Claus, am I thankful for Coffee!

I am not sure how I would be able to handle chasing the brats all day with out it.

It's a staple in my diet.


3.) Microwaves: 

Man, I lived a week or so without a microwave, and, yes, it is do-able, and, no, it wasn't that hard, and, yes, I realize that she said both of those things, but, anyway, I wouldn't want to be without  microwave for long.

It is just a very handy and ingenius invention.  We use it for everything from sterilizing bottles and dish sponges to melting wax to cooking food (it's intended purpose) to making plastic more pliable to be molded into different shapes.

I just love microwaves!

4.) Dish washers:

These are another ingenius invention that save me so much time that they have to make my thankful list.

Not only do they clean my dishes for me, but dishwashers also give me a handy place to store them, so the kitchen looks cleaner when I am too lazy to put them away.

Thank you Mr. Dishwasher for allowing me to work on my lazy skills.

5.) Washing Machine:

This baby is the hotness!

I love not having to leave the house or even get dressed to do the laundry.

I also love that I can leave the clothes in the dryer for days without them laying around the house, cluttering it up, because I hate folding laundry and putting it where it really belongs.

6.) Diaper Pail:

There are no words in any language that I speak to describe how thankful I am for this little guy.

He has seen us through almost four years of rotten diapers, succesfully hiding the stank without fail, unless you count the times I get too lazy to empty the bin and the lid pops up a little bit because I stuff it too full, which results in the smell of fermenting dookie and peepee permeate the house.

7.) Changing Tables and Disposable diapers:

These come as a package deal.

First I love the changing table because it holds all the tools I need to change a stinky baby within arms reach, and I don't have to ever bend down.  

Super sweet deal!

Add on top of that disposable diapers, and it is a definite freaking win!

Mama Bear and I tried doing the cloth diaper thing, and it wasn't all that bad, but we forgot to factor in exactly how lazy I really am. I can't be bothered to pre-soak every poopy diaper, and I hated seperating the diapers from the clothes until we had enough to do a load because it made the house seriously smell like a port-a-potty.

That's insane!

So, thank you disposable diapers for a quick remedy.

8.) Pellet Stoves:

Man, alternative heat sources rock!

It really isn't saving us any money, and it is a lot more work, but my pellet stove when combined with shrink wrapping my windows is hella nice!

Now, instead of our house being 62 degrees all winter and costing us a fortune, we can have it as hot as we can stand for the same price!

If it's going to cost us a metric poop ton of cash to heat our house, we may as well have it at a comfortable temperature.

9.) Reindeer on the Roof: 

What's a reindeer on the roof?

Well, for the boys, it's a personal messenger from them to Santa.  

They can write little letters and the reindeer, dubbed "Boeing" by the Pizzmeister because he can fly, takes the note to Santa, and sometimes even returns with a note from Santa to the boys.

The beautiful part is he can only fly when the boys are both asleep.

The other beautiful thing about this little reindeer is that Mommy and Daddy get to use him too as a snitch.  

Instant success in keeping the brats in line and to sleep when they're supposed to be sleeping.  

Score!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Another Just a Dizzy Dad Deep, Dark Secret...There are Two Men Inside me. I am neither.

We all have things that we're afraid of, and, of course, I am no different. 

I'm afraid of bugs, specifically moths. I fear heights, needles, rodents, water where I can't see the bottom, and any number of other little things.  

But, these are fears I've learned to work with.  I can hold it together well enough when facing them.  I just preferentially avoid them when possible.

But, there are other things that scare me, things that I can't avoid and have been with me, faithfully, since I became a daddy.  

They have been my silent partners who refuse to leave, and they are driving me bat crap crazy!

It's everything, or close to it it seems to me.

I'm not just scared of ruining my children, but I'm scared of being an inadequate dad, not because I'm lazy and self-centered, which I am, but because I'm sick with no hope of getting better.  I don't want that to be a part of how I parent, but it is and is going to be.  

I'm scared of being one of those parents that don't play with their kids enough because there are days that I physically can't.  

I'm scared that one or both my boys have my disease.  

I'm terrified that my brats will grow to resent me, and they'll feel like they got shafted because they're stuck being the kids with the sick dad.

And, I'm scared because there's nothing I can do about any of it.  

There's no relieving these insecurities.

I cannot change reality.  I can't magically wake up and be healthy and normal.  I can't predict the future. 

I can only face this one reality and work with it as best as I can while I strive to be the man and parent I need me to be even if I don't know who that is or how to do it.  

I just know who it's not and to run from him.  

I know it's not the guy who feels sorry for himself and is using his fear of inadequacy to justify being an absentee lump who gave up trying because he's too caught up on shiz he cannot change to be anything else. 

This is the guy who looks at his beautiful boys and never stops seeing the signs of his disease in them, and, even though his genetic disorder is not bad at all, he worries for them constantly.

He's afraid they'll end up like him, weak and broken, when they should be strong and healthy and happy with who they are.

This man is a hider.  It's how he compensates.

I don't want to be that guy. 

Becoming him scares me most of all!

I'm scared because I can see him waving familiarly at me, as if we're the closest of friends, from a dark corner every time I look in a mirror.  

I wish I could truthfully and loudly proclaim to not know him, apoligize, and move on, but I cannot, so I do my best to ignore him and keep walking.  

Instead, I try to only acknowledge the other man I see in there.  I hope to get to know this second guy better, and, eventually, I wish to become his friend.

Why?

Because this second guy uses his fears and apprehensions as a foothold rather than an anchor.  

Where the first man is paralyzed by his shortcomings, this second guy finds ways around them to keep moving in the direction of his choice.  

He can look squarely into the eyes of reality without ducking in shame and move on without a second glance because he knows that there is no changing the "what is" or "what was," but there is hope to influence the "what will be" if you just try.  It all depends on how you use that next second, how you spend your next breathe, and this second man I see in the mirror uses his seconds and breathes wisely.  He doesn't waste them away on shame or guilt or embarassment because he is sick. 

You don't see him "checking out."

He's an active participant in life. 

I'm not him.  

I wish I was, but I'm not.  

I am neither the first nor the second man I see inside me. I am a third man who is desperately trying to be the second and terrified that I am the first.


So, there you have it.  One more of my deep dark secrets.  Feel free to share one of yours if you want.  


Thursday, November 7, 2013

Creeper baby

video

Man, there are days that it's like night of the living dead around here!  Here's a clip of Two-zy being zombie-ish while watching Psy's "Gangnam Style" music video on youtube.

Reading Rainbow Ain't Got Shiz on Me!

Man, it's the morning again!


Image from rrkidz.com

I'm sitting on the couch with my first cup of coffee, looking slovenly as usual, the brats are running around jumping and dancing and shrieking as usual, and old episodes of "Reading Rainbow" are playing on the tv in a vain attempt by me to get the brats to sit down and keep quiet for a moment or ten.  

Yes, ten would be perfect!


Yeah Right!

Never going to happen!

The best I could hope for is a passing glance as they ran by while the "Reading Rainbow" theme song plays.  

What's wrong with these brats?  Aren't they tired?  Don't they realize we're watching Reading Frieking Rainbow?!  It's the best kids show in the history of kids shows!

I loved it as a kid!  

I mean, who doesn't love being read to?  (Well, I don't particularly like it, but I'm not right in the brain box)

Anyway, as I sat drinking my coffee I watched it, remembering my childhood and shiz, and I also noticed something.  Well, truthfully I noticed somethings really.

First, I noticed that there was an unholy smell wafting from the baby, so I grabbed him up and started changing him.  Then, I noticed, while cleaning up the worst diaper ever, that the stories they choose for the show are kind of lame. It's no wonder that they don't hold my brats' attention for long, unless James Earl Jones is reading the story of course.

Other than that my boys are off running around and causing a ruckus, and the only thing I could come up with as to why this is happening is that my brats are spoiled! They're used to Mama Bear and I reading them cool books, like "Lord of the Rings" or "Harry Potter" or "The Chronicles of Narnia" or "Little House on the Prairie" or "Jame and the Giant Peach" or something.  

You know, books like that.  

Books that don't necessarily drive adults mad with boredom or frustration because they actually have a plot and story line.

Don't get me wrong.  The boys love kiddy stories too, but if they are going to sit still and listen for any amount of time it needs a little substance, or at the very least some wicked awesome illustrations or music has to be involved.

Yeah, music is a must. Music draws them like flies to poopy!

But, anyway, as I watched "Reading Rainbow" I sat and tried to figure out why my brats weren't infatuated with it like I was.

Eventually, I got sick of Levar Burton and flipped it off, and immediately the Pizzmeister ran up to me carrying 5 or 6 books, begging for me to read them to him.  

"Of course," I said to him, "but we were just watching stories on the tv.  Why didn't you want to listen to those stories?"

"I didn't watch for why, Daddy, because those stories are no good!" He replied.

"But, buddy, this is the same story as the one that was just on Reading Rainbow." I pointed out, which garnered me a prompt "Just READ, DADDY!" from the Pizzmeister.

So, I read the books, and both munchkins sat still and listened as I read book after book.

I guess it wasn't the content or the story line that made the difference to them.  

It was me.




Friday, November 1, 2013

Faking it!

From right to left, a Mr. Robot Penguin, A Robertson from Duck Dynasty, and an Ugly Duckling That's actually cute and adorable!


Phew!  It's finally over!

Now, it's time to start the preparations for the real Holidays!

You know, when I was a bitty dobber meself, I never once took into consideration all the shiz that parents go through to make all these holiday things special and memorable.

I mean, we spend hours and hours thinking up all these fun little things to do with our brats, then we drop all this money to make it happen, and then what?

90% of the time all our planning goes kersplunk! 

Why?

Well, because the brats have a mind of their own that's why! 

They know what they like and want to do, and what they like and want to do doesn't necessarily match up with what you would like them to like and want to do.

For instance, maybe you'd want your brats to get along for five minutes so you could photograph them together in their halloween costumes.  "It'd be cute" you tell them.

Nope.  Doesn't Matter.  Not Happening.

So, instead of having a nice photo of the brats loving each other heading a blog post, you now have a lame banner of the two brats by themselves and a selfie of you in the center to make it look like one big happy family.  And, of course, there is no Mama Bear in the banner because by the time you think up stuff that you want to post she has already gone to work.  

*blah*

For the experienced parents, you know that is just how it is, and you have to sneak your small victorious moments in there when you can.

And then, you notice that the photo you were going to use of your brat looking all victorious actually has your other brat photo bombing it with his naked bum because you can't get him to keep his pants on for five freaking minutes!  

Ok, no problem, a little editing and now it's a photo of one brat looking awesomely victorious with a black bar on his brother's rear.  
Photo is now totally usable.  

Victory is mine...kind of.

I guess there is a life lesson in there hidden somewhere.

Not the tired old "You gotta role with the punches" or "turn lemons into lemonade" kind, but more like "If you don't know what you're doing, fake it."

Afterall, that's what we're all doing anyway.