Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Week One: The Path to a Different Me

Ok.  So, One week ago I decided I was going to shed a few pounds, and let me tell you it ain't easy.

First of all, I love food!  

Other than playing with my brats, being in the woods, and, of course, spending time with Mama Bear, eating is my favorite thing to do. There are just so many recipes to taste and enjoy, and so many dishes to prepare and taste. Just the thought of it gives me tingles and makes me smile. 

But, there is a problem.  I haven't just been tasting.  I've been gorging.  

Not Good!

So, last Tuesday I decided today is the day I am going to make a change, and I'm starting right now by going on a diet.


Sounds like no fun right?

Well, it isn't any fun, but I'm not really doing it for me.  I'm doing it for my brats and for Mama Bear.  For some reason, they seems to love me, and I love them very dearly, so I'm going to try and get a little healthier for them, and I am not going to do it with any pills or fad diets.

I'm just going to do it the plain jane, old fashioned way of cutting caloric intake and exercising.  

To be honest with you, I am not enjoying it all that much so far.  

I'm used to eating until I am stuffed, which is no good, so getting used to putting the fork and spoon down while I am still peckish is kind of rough.

Eventually, I am sure I'll get used to it.  Just like, eventually, I won't see food that needs "tasting" all around me all the time.

The other thing that makes my dieting kind of hard is the fact that my bratty boys eat all day.  I am constantly preparing snacks for them.  There is always a temptation to just take a little bite of what they are having, but we all know what that will lead to.  

Let me tell you, breaking the habit of snacking all day is a hard habit to break, but I am going to do it. 

What really helps me is redirection of attention.  

Instead of thinking about food, I focus on other things.  Sometimes, I make up stories while the boys are having one of their hundreds of snack times through out the day, sometimes I play my guitar, sometimes I sit and tune up one of the radio control cars, sometimes I get an early start on dinner, sometimes I have even resorted to doing dishes, but the important thing is I am doing something other than eating.  I figure that once I break that habit of wanting to sit and snack with them all day things will be much easier.

Anyway, for those of you that are curious, my starting weight is a heavy 300 pounds on the dot.  Yes, I am counting calories, and I am aiming for around 2,000 a day, which I have been told is very reasonable.  

And, most importantly, I am not denying myself any of my favorite foods.  I am just limiting how much I eat.  I am doing my best to stick to recommended serving sizes and all that rot.  I find that having actual numbers to go by is very helpful.  I am shooting for a 2 pound loss each week with the eventual end result of being around 200-220 pounds.  I'd be pleased with that.

So far, I have screwed up my first week.  My portions and variety need a little fine tuning because as of this morning I have lost ten pounds. I am a little perplexed by this.  I just hope it doesn't all come back next week.

Also, I am teaching myself to prepare meals healthier, which doesn't mean less flavorful, but it does mean more work a lot of the time.  It's worth it though.

Here's a quick for instance.  The other day I made one of my favorite foods in the world, Chicken Wings! But, I changed up my method of preparing them.  

First thing I did differently was to remove the skin from all of the wings, which, admittedly, was quite labor intensive. Then, I pulled off any remaining fat, again labor intensive.  

After that, I mixed some garlic powder, onion powder, black pepper, chile powder, and salt into a mixing bowl and dropped the wings ontop and then mixed them well, took them out, put them on a baking sheet, and popped them into the oven at 350 degrees until they were 180 degrees internally. 

Yes, it was quite a bit of fuss, but, in the end, the wings tasted even better than usual, and they were a little healthier.  

Well, that's it for week one.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Baby Rabies! It's Not Just a Female Thing

Since having the boys, I have really begun to notice that the phenomenon known to me as "Baby Rabies" really does seem to exist. If you don't know what I am talking about, Baby Rabies is the mysterious illness that makes one desperately desire to have a baby of their own, defying reason and sensibility, and this terrible ailment is contracted by the mere sight of a baby by some of its unfortunate victims.

Now, it used to be thought that only females contracted baby rabies, but I have come to the conclusion that males get it too.  We just hide it better because when a male notices a baby is adorable and oh so cuddle-able he automatically is seen as a creeper and inherently dangerous.  

Not good!

No one wants to be called a creeper, so we resign ourselves to stand off to the side, even though we really want to snuggle the baby too, while our wives, girlfriends, or whatever get their snuggle on, mocking us with their ability to be emotive and affectionate while not appearing like creepers.

Us menfolk aren't heartless.  It'd be nice if we could eventually prove it without fear of persecution. 

Luckily, I have babies of my own that I can snuggle all the time because Mama Bear and I already suffered from two horrendous bouts of baby rabies that resulted babies, but we are still not immune.  Mama Bear still gets that crazed look about her, like a thirsty person looking at the last glass of water for miles, while I sit quietly off to the side wishing I could hold stranger baby too, but not daring to ask for fear of coming across as a creeper.  

Unless, of course, we know stranger baby's mommy and daddy well, then I am going to snuggle the shiz out of that baby too, and I may not even ask first.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

All Day Chicken Soup

Ok, if your family is anything like mine, then they like to eat, and they'd like the food to taste pretty good too.  

Well, that's true for the boys in my house anyway.  Mama Bear is just glad that I usually have some sort of food ready when she gets home, and she doesn't have to cook it.  I'm sure glad she's not picky.

So, in theory, making dinner should not be too big an order right?

I mean, it's only a matter of not screwing it all up, so it is totally inedible.  Should be easy peasy, and it usually is...for people who know what they are doing, which ain't me.

People, like me just tend to toss stuff together and hope for the best.  Sure, I can follow a recipe and I do when I am trying something new for a specific occasion, but most days all I do is open the fridge, rummage around a little bit, and try to combine whatever left overs I have laying about.

I have to tell you, some of my concoctions turn out pretty scary, which is a total bummer, but that's what take-out is for.

After all, it's not like I plan on succeeding every time.  Utilizing left overs in such a way that your toddler won't know it's the same thing he's been eating for three or four days already is tricky.

For instance, yesterday the Pizzmeister asked me what we were going to have for dinner, and I replied "chicken" because we still had almost half a bird in the fridge from our roast chicken we had the day before.  

Let's just say, Mr. Pizzly wasn't delighted with the idea, which left me with two options.

One, I could tell him to deal with it, and listen to him whining and moaning about how tired of chicken he was.

Or, two, I could get creative and trick him into eating it.

I chose to get creative.  I told him we were going to have a pizza party then instead, and each of us were going to make our own pizzas.  

Instant success!

Before long I had him whipping up some home made pizza dough with me, and I chopped up some of the chicken we had in the fridge and mixed it with ranch dressing and whatever the boys wanted in the sauce. We spread it on the dough, covered it with cheese, and baked it.

It was magical! Instantly, I went from boring old dad, to super cool dad, and everyone was happy.

And, then I looked at the chicken carcass. 

There was still almost half a bird left, which automatically got me wondering what I was going to do today to make it seem like we weren't just eating the same old chicken we have been eating.

Luckily, both boys woke up this morning with the snuffles, and the decision was made for me.  

We are going to have chicken soup, and I was even going to use the crock pot to save time.

***Insane Laughter***

I took me three hours to get all the crap in the crock pot!  

What chicken soup, in the history of chicken soup, takes three hours to prepare before it even touches the heat?!

Ridiculous, right?

Well, it is until you look at the monsters I live with.  

Two-zy decided that he was going to help and kept running off with my potatoes, the Pizzmeister insisted on tossig bones in the pot every time I turned around to grab a tater from Two-zy, and I had to towel up a crap load of water because, like a dolt, I left the sink running as I was hunting down my rapidly disappearing potatoes that needed washing.

I also had to pull the meat from the carcass and chop it into small enough pieces for little mouths, and I had to do the same for the taters and carrots and onions.  

Before I knew it, what I started at 9 a.m. as a half hour project was just finishing around noon, and left me wondering, "How do families with two working parents, or single parent families ever have time to prepare meals?"  

My hat is off to them.

I can barely get chicken soup together, and I'm home all day!

P.s.  Before you hammer on me because I am spoiling the brats, let me just say that I am not a fan of having the same old left-overs over and over again either, so I use the boys as an excuse to change it up a bit. If it really mattered what we were going to eat, I wouldn't ask the brats if they wanted it.  They wouldn't have a choice.

Monday, October 7, 2013

You said What Now?

There are lots of things about being a parent that you can never prepare for, and you'll say a lot of things that you'd never thought you'd ever say, and your kids will say things that will just boggle your mind.

So, with that in mind, here's a brief list of weird, funny, or disturbing things we have said or the boys have said since their arrival:

- "Hey, why you rubbing that sexy off?!"  (Pizzmeister to me)

- "Way to poop it up, man!  Good Job!" (Me to Pizzmeister)

- "Why is your head in the Toilet?" (Me to Pizzmeister)

- "Stop trying to grab your brother's poopy!  Yucky yucky gross gross!" (Me to Two-zy)

- "Daddy, you're booby is fuzzy!"  (Pizzmeister to me)

- "Daddy, Mommy has a penis!"  "No, Buddy.  She has a vagina."  "Yes, she does!  It's inside out!" (a conversation between the pizzmeister and me this morning)

- "Daddy!  My Penis!  It's HUGE!"  (The Pizzmeister to Me)

- "Man, would you please stop biting the dog's Butt?!"  (Me to the Pizzmeister)

- "Man, you need to stop stuffing cars in your diaper!"  (Me to Two-zy)

- "Damn, damn, goddamn!" (Two-zy for no apparent reason at 13 months)

- "Quiet Daddy! I'm trying to fart!"  (Pizzmeister to me)

- "Daddy, you're an ugly girl!"  (Pizzmeister to me)

- "Oh man, don't pee on the cat!" (me to both boys numerous times while potty training)

- "Hey man, the idea is to sit on the potty, not wear it as a hat." (me to Two-zy)

- "Let's keep this baby.  If she cries we can give her baby milk. She can have brother's baby milk."  (Pizzmeister to Mama Bear)

- "There's a gomdamn fox on the ceiling!"  (Pizzmeister to Mama Bear and I)

- "Buddy, why are you putting your butt in my face?"  "Oh Daddy, it's ok.  It's just my butt.  You like it."  (Conversation between the Pizzmeister and me)

- "Mommy, I'm going to grow up into a baby, so I can nurse your boobies!"  (Pizzmeister to Mama Bear)

- "Oh Daddy, you're such a good boy!  You're pooping very well!" (Pizzmeister to me)

- "Daddy!  We're Poopy buddies now!" (Pizzmeister to me)

- "Oh, Man.  That ain't right! You're poo is all over my leg!"  (Me to Two-zy)

- "Daddy!  Stay still!  I want to rub my butt on you!"  (Pizzmeister to me)

- "Just do it my way it's better"  (Pizzmeister to Mama Bear)

- "Look, Daddy, sneaky nuts!"  (Pizzmeister proudly showing off how his testicles are sneaking out of his big boy underwear)