12/14 Today Sucked

Well, it finally happened.  Both of my boys are sleeping peacefully  and at the same time, but I am too depressed to celebrate.

In fact, I had a hard time just letting the little brats out of my arms.  I only relented when my oldest told me I was squishing him.  So, I let him nap on the couch and not on my lap like I really wanted.  Then the baby started squirming, so I also had to let him nap out of my arms too for fear of waking him.  

After what happened in Connecticut today, I am terrified to let my boys out of my sight.  I just want to hold them and hug them and kiss them and tell them that I love them a thousand times.

I can't even imagine what those poor people are going through.

How does something like this happen?

I'll never understand.

It seems like some sort of human made tragedy comes along about once a month now days.  You can't hardly turn on the news without hearing about something horrible that some asshole has done, and this makes me feel so insecure and unsafe because there is nothing I can do about it.

I can't foresee the future to stop it from happening.  There is nothing I can say or do to make anyone feel better in the aftermath.  About the only thing I can do is latch onto my family, tell them that I love them, and hope that nothing terrible ever happens to anyone I love.

So far, I have lived a lucky life where these tragic events happen elsewhere, and I take it for granted that me and mine are safe because of where we live, small town USA.  

I have always used living a simple life in a small town as some sort of armor against this shit.  I mean, after all, it is only in the cities where violence occurs right?

Well, I'm looking at my armor now and thinking that I am crazy.  The size of the town doesn't matter.  If something terrible is going to happen, it will happen anywhere.  What happened today proved that, and I am sickened by that knowledge. 

But, what can you do?  

I'm not going to go out and buy a gun  or get a license for one because I think there are too many guns in the country already.  I am not going to add to that number.

I'm not going to write my congressman pleading to make gun laws stricter either.  I won't beg him to make handguns illegal, to retract all concealed carry permits, to ban all semi/automatic weapons, or to make it illegal for any fire arm to hold more than 5 rounds of ammunition no matter how much I believe it is time to make all these changes because it will do no good.  My pleas will assuredly fall on deaf ears.

I'm not ok with that, but I can live with it since I have to.

But, here's what I am going to do.  I am going to grab up my little ones and hug them, kiss them, and tell them that I love them a thousands times a day or more.  I am not going to waste my time on un-win-able causes because it is beginning to dawn on me that I don't have time for that.

I have to make sure that my boys and my family know that I love them because, god forbid, if anything should happen to me I want them to know just how much I thought of them and loved them, and should anything happen to them, I want them to know that they were loved dearly.  

My thoughts go out to the people of Newtown, Connecticut.  I know that nothing anyone can say can take this pain away, but please know we are there for you and we are mourning your loss with you.