It's been four years and some change since I first became a dad. I can honestly say that it has been the best thing to ever happen to me, and I never knew I could feel so much prior to the brats being here. It was like I finally realized what love is and means and how great it is! These bratty kids make me a better person, and I love them so much that there are times I get temporarily insane with it, and I think to myself, "You know, I think I would really like a few more. Maybe even go Dugger style and have a score of children or something..."
Then, immediately after thinking such a thing, I will catch myself yelling out some sort of absurdity.
Absurd Things I have Yelled at my Brats
(a never ending list)
- "You're not allowed to think until after I've had my coffee!"
- "All right! That's It! I'm calling off this war until after I've had another pot of coffee!"
- "Buddy, I realize you're happy, and that's great, but you're driving me crazy with your happiness!"
- "THERE WILL BE NO SHOUTING IN THE HOUSE!" (To be fair I may have screeched this to be heard over the din)
- "It's Rude to fart on your brother! Yes, I know, I've farted on you guys before, but do you really want to emulate my behavior?"
- "If you don't start listening to me right now, I'm going to cry and then we'll all be sorry!"
- "Who taught you that (any number of things)?! And, don't you dare throw me under the bus!"
- "Did you seriously just put me in time out and banish me to my room?!"
- "More worky, less talky!"
- "I don't understand why you're smiling!"
- "This is not fun time! Shopping is serious business!"
- "Don't make me ask you again, or I'll be forced to...ask you again or something! I really don't want it to come to that!"
- actual conversation this morning (3/3/2014)
Me: "You wait until Mama gets home then we'll see who'll be laughing"
Pizzmeister : "she will"
- "Hey! Stopping being nice to your brother!"
- "The dog is not toilet paper!"
- "Your mouth is not a weapon! Do not use it as such! In fact, don't use anything like a weapon! Weapons are bad!"
- "Did I ask you to put this stuff away or did I ask you to sit quietly on the couch? Seriously...I don't even remember anymore! Whatever! Resume!"
- "Why is poop funny?"
- "Yes, I asked you a question, but I didn't expect an answer!"
- "You're not a dog! PLease, please, please, please, don't drink from the toilet!!!"
- "Fine! Scream all you want! You'll just lose your voice and be quieter later! Makes no difference to me."
- "Man, could you quit laughing for five minutes! You guys are giving me the creeps. How are bananas that funny?!"
- "Pal, I'm glad you think I'm in charge, but that is obviously not a correct assumption at this point in time."
- "Buddy, I love talking with you. It's one of my favorite things to do in the whole world, but perhaps we could take a breather and resume our conversation after you have had a chance to catch your breathe and I have had a chance to capture whatever remains of my sanity and stop it from running away." "Wait. why are you laughing. I wasn't joking! How is that even funnier!!"
- "Why do you insist on being creepy?"
- "Buddy, it really scares me when you tell me you want to eat my eyes!"
- "Guys, guys, guys, could you at least pretend to be listening to me, please? For my sake?"
- "Buddy, please! All I am asking you to do is try to go poopy. It's not the end of the world, Chicken Little!"