Monday, March 3, 2014

Parents Say Absurd Things

It's been four years and some change since I first became a dad.  I can honestly say that it has been the best thing to ever happen to me, and I never knew I could feel so much prior to the brats being here.  It was like I finally realized what love is and means and how great it is!  These bratty kids make me a better person, and I love them so much that there are times I get temporarily insane with it, and I think to myself, "You know, I think I would really like a few more.  Maybe even go Dugger style and have a score of children or something..."

Then, immediately after thinking such a thing, I will catch myself yelling out some sort of absurdity.

Absurd Things I have Yelled at my Brats
(a never ending list)

- "You're not allowed to think until after I've had my coffee!"

- "All right!  That's It!  I'm calling off this war until after I've had another pot of coffee!"

- "Buddy, I realize you're happy, and that's great, but you're driving me crazy with your happiness!"

- "THERE WILL BE NO SHOUTING IN THE HOUSE!" (To be fair I may have screeched this to be heard over the din)

- "It's Rude to fart on your brother! Yes, I know, I've farted on you guys before, but do you really want to emulate my behavior?"

- "If you don't start listening to me right now, I'm going to cry and then we'll all be sorry!"

- "Who taught you that (any number of things)?!  And, don't you dare throw me under the bus!"

- "Did you seriously just put me in time out and banish me to my room?!"

- "More worky, less talky!"

- "I don't understand why you're smiling!"

- "This is not fun time!  Shopping is serious business!"

- "Don't make me ask you again, or I'll be forced to...ask you again or something!  I really don't want it to come to that!"

- actual conversation this morning (3/3/2014) 

Me: "You wait until Mama gets home then we'll see who'll be laughing" 
Pizzmeister : "she will"
Me: "Probably"

- "Hey! Stopping being nice to your brother!"

- "The dog is not toilet paper!"

- "Your mouth is not a weapon!  Do not use it as such!  In fact, don't use anything like a weapon!  Weapons are bad!"

- "Did I ask you to put this stuff away or did I ask you to sit quietly on the couch?  Seriously...I don't even remember anymore! Whatever!  Resume!"

- "Why is poop funny?"

- "Yes, I asked you a question, but I didn't expect an answer!"

- "You're not a dog!  PLease, please, please, please, don't drink from the toilet!!!"

- "Fine!  Scream all you want! You'll just lose your voice and be quieter later!  Makes no difference to me."

- "Man, could you quit laughing for five minutes!  You guys are giving me the creeps.  How are bananas that funny?!"

- "Pal, I'm glad you think I'm in charge, but that is obviously not a correct assumption at this point in time."

- "Buddy, I love talking with you.  It's one of my favorite things to do in the whole world, but perhaps we could take a breather and resume our conversation after you have had a chance to catch your breathe and I have had a chance to capture whatever remains of my sanity and stop it from running away."  "Wait. why are you laughing.  I wasn't joking! How is that even funnier!!"

- "Why do you insist on being creepy?"

- "Buddy, it really scares me when you tell me you want to eat my eyes!"

- "Guys, guys, guys, could you at least pretend to be listening to me, please?  For my sake?"

- "Buddy, please!  All I am asking you to do is try to go poopy.  It's not the end of the world, Chicken Little!"

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