Admitting You Have a Problem is the First Step

Apeshit: (according to urbandictionary.com)
A state of anger and rage that produces behavior more closely resembling that of an enraged ape than a human.

From the habit of enraged apes of flinging their own feces at their object of anger (if you haven't experienced this phenomenon first hand consider yourself blessed).

Billy-Bob went apeshit when Jimmy-Joe puked up four moon pies on his '68 Dodge Dart.

Apeshit: (according to Just a Dizzy Dad and Family)

(Verb) To apply an unnecessary amount of force mechanically to the point of mechanical failure; to over tighten; to break tools by applying too much force.

(i.e.) You broke the emergency break cable because you apeshitted the e-break lever up into place./When you apeshit the lid onto the pickle jar I cannot open the jar./ The ratchet broke because you apeshitted the bolt down, and the ratchet couldn't handle the torque.

So, after Mama Bear gave me a a good stern talking to last night, intervention style, I have come to the conclusion that she may be right about me.  It is time for me to change my wicked ways.  

Well, either I change or we go broke fixing the stuff that I break.  I just may really have a problem, and it is time to admit it.


I am a chronic apeshitter.


I am not sure when I started down this destructive path of perpetually over tightening stuff, but I imagine I couldn't have been too old because I have always had a bit of a neurosis about things not being tight enough.  


For example, when I was little, around 13, I was always worried that I hadn't tightened the bolts on my bicycle enough whenever I adjusted the seat or changed the tires, so I would keep going back and tightening the screws until I was sure that I couldn't possibly tighten them anymore.


Well, this worked for me when I was a wee little 13 year old, but it wasn't too long after that that I broke my first wrench, and from there I just haven't stopped breaking stuff.


My shed is a virtual grave yard of broken tools and bent up pieces of random things that I "fixed." Some recent additions to my dead tools list include 5 screwdrivers (2 of which were my father in laws), 2 sockets (one of which was my father in laws),  1 ratchet, 1 lug wrench, 2 lug nuts, and 2 lug nut studs.


This stuff adds up quick and replacement gets pricey, definitely not something I want to worry about just before christmas!


Up until recently I always blamed the tools. if they weren't so shoddy, I wouldn't have broken them.


Well, now, after Mama Bear has pointed it out to me, I realize that is twisted logic.  If I'm the only one breaking stuff, then the problem is me; not the tools.


Thank you Mama Bear for bringing this to my attention...again.




P.s. I can't promise that I will get better or even really try.
      But, for you.  I will try to try.  :)

Rage Filled Rage with Horror!

This post was originally going to be about the upcoming black Friday sales and how I hate them and how I now hate facebook too because it only shows my status updates and blog posts to a few people.

But, then I thought of something.  I don't have to shop on "black friday"  because I have finished all my shopping, and facebook charges me nothing for having a page there.  So, I guess I really have nothing to complain about.

But,  the Pizzmeister does.

He says he wants you guys to either stop waking him up or start bringing him coffee as a peace offering when you do.  He likes it decaffeinated with half cream, half coffee, and an ample supply of sugar.

P.s. He also says that if you want to get into his good graces you could start off by sending him all your gummy worms.

P.P.s.  Yes, I do in fact blame my readers for a lot of the things I do and make the Pizzmeister do, like wake up and go to bed at a certain time, because I hate making him mad at me.  I'd much rather throw you under the bus!  :)

P.P.P.s.  Yes, I know I am weak and pathetic!

Shrink Wrap your Windows!

Seriously, shrink wrap your windows!

I know. I was skeptical of it being a worth while investment of time and energy at first too, but it really works, especially if you live in an older home like me.

Now, if you don't know what I am talking about I'll explain myself.  What I call shrink wrapping your windows is really called weather sealing, weatherizing, home sealing, or whatever.  They all mean pretty much the same thing and you can get handy dandy little kits in just about any hardware or department store to do this, and you can do it all yourself in an afternoon.

Notice that is claims a saving of up to $190 in the top right corner.
I am not sure  about that, but I know doing this does save
you money. 

The kits look something like this, and this one cost me around $10.  They are really easy and straight forward.  Even a klutz like me can finish this project in an afternoon.  I promise.

All you'll need besides the kit is a screw driver, some scissors, a hot air blow dryer, and maybe a tape measure if you really want to be a show off.

First thing that you are going to want to do is take off all the window dressings, i.e. curtains and blinds, on the windows you are going to shrink wrap.  Then clean the window frame because later you are going to adhere double sided tape on the frame to hold the plastic over the windows.

Then cut out a piece of plastic the size you need to cover the window, put the tape on the window frame, put the plastic up, blow dry the plastic to make it shrink down and look smooth, and then put your curtains and blinds back up.  That's it.

Yes, this is kind of a pain in the ass, but it will be worth it.  Mama Bear and I have done this for a few years now, and the difference was notable, and I am positive that the heat retained from doing this did in fact save us some serious money during the winter season because before we learned about this little money saving trick our home was just hemorrhaging heat.  It's not like that now.    That's all I need to be a firm believer, so now we shrink wrap our shiz every winter.

P.s. Using the gaskets on the sockets and weatherstripping the doors helped too, but for us it was the windows that were killing us.

P.P.s.  If you wake up in the morning and your windows have condensation built up on them that means they have a bad seal and you are losing money by heating the out doors.  A little shrink wrap will help you save some of that cash. 

P.P.P.s.  I was in no way approached to post this.  I just thought I would pass along an idea on how we can all save a little money by doing an easy DIY project.

Do You Believe in Magic?

I'm a firm believer in magic.  In fact, there has yet to be a day since these bratty boys came about where I haven't witnessed at the very least one magical moment.

I mean there could be a certain special smile, an especially musical butt blast (why are baby farts so cute?), a moment when the Pizzmeister says something sweet and endearing, or any moment with the boys really.  

All these moments are special and magical.  They all have a bit of a wondrous feel to them where I have to stop and ask myself, "What the hell have I done to deserve this?!"

It's true.  

I ask myself this a number of times everyday, and it is usually in the context of "How'd I get so damn lucky?!" but, to be honest, sometimes I ask it in exasperation too, which involves a fist shaking and hunched down shoulders in what I refer to as my  "pose of resignation."

I won't lie.  

There are times when these little guys drive me batcrap crazy, and I'll swear that  they are masters of the dark arts because they have this awesomely wicked ability to transform themselves from little angels to evil little monkey trolls in seconds!

I mean, one minute the baby will be happy and giggling while the Pizzmeister is playing nicely off by himself, and then, out of nowhere, the baby will start shrieking for no reason while the big boy occupies himself with performing any number of the tricks and stunts that he routinely pulls.  

He might be doing something as harmless as making a race track for his itty bitty monster trucks or something more dangerous like arranging all the chairs in strategic positions through out the house to be used as some sort of crazy toddler obstacle course where he jumps from one to the other totally scaring the crap out of me.

*sigh*

I guess what I am really trying to say is he is always doing something.  The key to guessing what he may be doing is to listen.  If he is chattering to himself chances are he isn't doing something harmful, but the moment he stops talking you can bet he has some sort of crazy world dominating plot going on in his head, and he's about to start working some of his wizardry for evil purposes.

Like, making an impossibly huge mess!

OH THE MESSES THESE KIDS ARE CAPABLE IF MAKING!!!

It's not just the explosion of toys that is messy.  It's the dishes.  

There are always dishes to wash these days!  

It's like they never stop eating!

I swear I just finish doing them and an hour later the sink is full again with dishes and bottles patiently waiting to be washed.  

And, of course, I keep putting off doing them because for some reason I think that eventually I'll turn around and they will have washed themselves magically.  Then, to my grave disappointment, I find that more have piled up somehow.

GODDAMN YOU DISHES FROM HELL!

**Insert the pose of resignation here**

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TOSS ME A BONE HERE AND WASH YOURSELVES?! 

*sob*

I mean, after all, my day is full of magic moments anyway.  What's one more right? 

Oh Fudge It! Peanut Butter Style

Have you ever just stopped and say to yourself, "Self.  I think I might want to try and give myself diabetes today."

You have?

Good.  I have something you may want to try.

Peanut Butter Fudge like Grandma used to Make...I think

Here's what you'll need:

1.5 cups of sugar
1/8 cup of peanut butter
1/2 cup of milk
1/8 cup of butter (I heap it up)
1/2 tablespoon of vanilla extract
1 medium sauce pan
something to let the fudge set in until it firms up (go ahead and use your imagination)

Step 1: In the sauce pan combine the milk sugar and peanut butter and heat to a rapid boil.  Stir frequently so it doesn't scorch.

Step 2: Once the mixture comes to a rapid boil take a moment to revel in the yummy fragrance and reduce the heat to low-medium. Continue to boil until the mixture is at soft ball stage.

Soft ball stage is when the candy is around 232 degrees or when you can drop some of the stuff into a bowl of cold water and mold it into a ball easily.

Step 3:  Once at the soft ball stage remove from heat add the butter and vanilla extract and beat the mixture like you caught it stealing from you until the candy starts to harden or gets firm.  You can speed this up by placing the pan in cold water.  Just make sure no water gets in the fudge mixture.

Step 4: Once the fudge mix is all firm and stuff scrape it into whatever mold you want to use and let it cool for about an hour.  I toss it in the refrigerator, but that's not necessary.

Step 5: Gobble that shiz up!

Enjoy!