Friday, September 28, 2012

A Week of Learning: Crappy Casserole, Injurious Bread Dough, and Illegal Parking!

A bit of a warning:  I am being extra whiny in this post. :)

So, I have a learned a few important things this week; things like I make a crappy casserole, I'm too out of shape to knead more than one loaf's worth of dough at a time, and I learned that it really doesn't matter if you own the land you are living on or not.  There are always going to be people telling what you can and can't do and you are just going to have to live it.

First off, let me tell you about the bland, mushy casserole I made.

I got this recipe from a book of supposedly quick, easy, and delicious recipes.  

Well, the casserole was certainly quick and easy, but the delicious part is questionable.  Mama Bear liked it.  I thought it was terrible, and was totally surprised at how terrible it was.

I mean, who would have guessed that when you mix 2 cups of rice, 1 pound of chopped and cooked broccoli, 2 tablespoons of butter, 1 can of cream of mushroom soup, and 2 cups of cheese (I used triple cheddar) that your end result would be something that resembled wall paper paste and tasted absurdly similar to it to?

Yes, I have tasted wall paper paste.  I'm not proud of it.

Anyway, I guess I am either not a casserole fan, or I somehow just really screwed that one up.

Then to add insult to injury, I pulled a muscle or something while I was baking bread.  How lame is that?  Who hurts themselves kneading dough?

This guy apparently.

And, to top off the day, the most absurd thing happened of all.  

Our city's code enforcers told Mama Bear and I that we have been parking illegally for the last 8 years.  No, we haven't parked over the side walk or anything.  We've been parking in what we assumed was our drive way.  

I guess the city doesn't agree with us.

Yes, we have, in fact, been parking on our property just not in what the city thinks of as our drive way apparently.  They call it front yard parking, and that is illegal I guess, but oh well.

No big deal.  

We can still park the truckster and Mama Bear's go machine in the other part of the drive way just fine until everything gets cleared up.  And, by cleared up I mean hearing back from the city with their final decision as to where we are allowed to park.  

Either way, we're fine with it...kind of.  

If we can't park in that portion of the drive way any more then we'll just dig out the gravel and convert it into a big garden.  I just wish they would have said something 8 years ago when we bought the place instead of letting me park illegally everyday for 8 years.  Kind of makes me feel like a menace to society and a hardened criminal.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

King for a Day...(War's End!)

I was king...for awhile.  I was proud and kind of strong.  I might even have been just if I had had the chance to be.







Yet, alas, my throne was stolen from me moments after I had procured it.   I was forced to deliver my crown to another before I even knew what it meant to have  and wear it.

What a pity!

Who stole my throne and took my crown from me?

The victorious Pizzly "accepting" the crown.


The great and mighty Pizzmeister of course.

He stormed the castle and sacked it.  He demanded unconditional surrender and immediately donned the crown in a showing of superiority and control over the realm I ruled for a few brief moments.

His very first order of business was to fill my former subjects with terror through threats of horrendous violence.  This was done for their own good he claimed, for it would do no good for them to rise against him.  He is just too powerful.

His threats of unspeakable violence worked!

This poor villager was made to be an example and threatened to be made to sit in the swing of shame and torment for the rest of his days should he not convert to being a faithful follower of the all powerfull Pizzmeister.

Of course, faced with a decision like that his choice was easily made.   He quickly joined with the new king, helping to quell the rising unrest of the people.

And, as a last act of treachery, he went so far as to celebrate my dethroning with an outdoor after dark feast by firelight with the new king and his mother.

Oh yes, they occasionally threw their leavings to me.  How generous of them!

To toss their scraps to a once mighty king as if he was naught but a common dog!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Just a Dizzy Dad: Relationship Advice "You're not Perfect!"

Over the weekend I received an e-mail from a reader, yes I know it is like Wednesday or something, but I don't have the time I used to have to just sit around and play on the computer despite what Mama Bear says I do.

Anyway, I got this e-mail and was elated that it wasn't hate mail, and then I was immediately disturbed that this guy was asking for advice...from me!

What the hell?!

Poor guy should know better than to ask me anything based on the sole fact that I am a huge jerk and would willingly give him bad advice just because I thought it would be hilarious.

Sorry!  I can't help it!

Well, this guy asked me how I kept my marriage so strong, and how Mama Bear and I balanced everything.  Then he proceeded to tell me that Mama Bear and I had the bestest marriage of anyone he knows, and that he needed help, quick.

OK.  First of all, I told this guy that he doesn't in fact know me, and has never met me, but I was flattered that he thought he did.  I think. 

Secondly, I asked him if he was stalking me.

See.  I'm a jerk.  Can't help it.

Anyway, I then proceeded to tell him that any relationship involves an incredible amount of maintenance, and that different people need different things from them. 

I also told him that I was the worst person ever to give advice because I willingly admit that I am an ass and that I have this obscene proclivity for being mean just for the sake of it, mistakenly thinking that I am being humorous.

It's true.  Ask Mama Bear.  I am probably the hardest person to live with in the world.  I say horrible things. I am selfish.  I'm uncouth.  I'm an unabashed ork-hole. 

In other words, I am pretty much the worse person ever.

Then I decided to spew all of the crappy advice I have ever received about maintaining a healthy relationship with your spouse, but thought better of it at the last moment. 

Instead, I told him to remember a few words.

Those words being, "You're not perfect!"

There isn't a whole helluva lot that you can do to make other people change how they act, but you certainly have the power to change how you interact with others.  Let's face it!  None of us are perfect humans.  There is always something that we can do better or something that we wish we could change about ourselves.

Me?  I want to be nicer.  I'd like to be a better listener.  It would be cool if I weren't as selfish.  I'd love to be more open, being able to say what I mean easily. I wish I was more empathetic. 

All in all, I'd just like to be a better husband, father, and person.

Now, I recognize that Mama Bear isn't perfect either, but she is pretty close to it in my eyes.  And, she deserves a better man than I am currently, so I have some work to do.

She's worth it...and, so am I!

I have yet to become the man I want to be, and I owe it to myself to continue trying to be that guy.  I owe it to Mama Bear too to try and become that husband she deserves.

So, Daryl, my marital advice to you is to "Remember that you're not perfect!"  Recognize your faults.  Own up to them.  Do your damnedest to correct them.

You may not be able to do it all on your own, and it may be hard, but you owe it to yourself and your family to try and become the person you want to be.

Friday, September 7, 2012

You Get What For only $10?!

Alright, I have managed to get you guys a special deal on something the Pizzmeister, Two-zy, Mama Bear, and I find amazing!

You don't know it yet, but you'll be thanking me...oh yes, you'll be thanking me.

At least your kiddos will!

What am I talking about, and who is this weirdo in the Picture you ask?

None other than the evil genius behind the music of How's the Soup?, which is a band specializing in amusing kid songs that are catchy and humorous for adults too.

I tell you, last year I picked up a cd and the Pizzmeister has had hours and hours of enjoyment, enough so that the cd is starting to wear out!

So, I contacted Mr. Soup and he told me that he has a new cd with 20 songs on it that he is selling for only $10!  And, he will even send MP3's over e-mail so I will never have to worry about the cd wearing out ever again! 

Sweetness!!!

I also managed to sweet talk him into giving an extra song to anyone who contacts him through this e-mail address, richiemb73@aol.com, with the subject being "Just a Dizzy Dad said you're awesome!"

That way he knows you're my fan and to throw in the extra song that only my fans will get!

Awesome right? 

You're welcome!

Here's a little taste test of his music, and this just happens to be the Pizzmeister's favorite song.

Enjoy!


P.s. I wasn't kidding when I said 20 songs plus one for my readers for only $10$  Yeah, I know that is a lot of music, but How's The Soup? is adamant that that is the correct price, so if you want a cd or want him to send you the MP3's contact him through richiemb73@aol.com, and he will tell you where to send the check or money order.

$10 will get you and your kids hours of crazy dancing enjoyment!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

She Thinks my Apron's Sexy!!!


The Pizzmeister and I posing with our new kitchen "clothes"

Ok, so the other day Mama Bear, the boys, and I all went to the mall for a little family outing and so that Mama Bear could pick up some new clothes. 

Now, normally, I hate to go to the mall unless I am going there to buy toys for the boys or something, but this time I was alright with it.  I didn't even hardly complain once or twice that it was taking Mama Bear forever to pick out whatever clothing articles she liked. 

What was different this time?

Well, I was pre-occupied. 

While Mama Bear was hunting for bargains of her own, I was looking for a new kitchen bib/apron and oven mit, which meant that I got to take the kiddo's to the super cool kitchen store for a few minutes and marvel at all the knick knacks and gadgets that I don't need, can't afford, but want desperately.

Finally, a sales clerk approached me and asked me if I was lost.  I, immediately annoyed by this lady, said that I wasn't, and that I was actually looking for an apron and got side tracked by the all the gadgets.

Then the unthinkable happened.

The sales clerk looped her arm around mine and led me to the useless men's novelty aprons while saying something about it being cute that I was there! 

So, there I was, annoyed as hell with my two boys in tow, so I couldn't even really say anything to this annoying lady while she was showing me some stupid, worthless kitchen bibs.  You know the ones that I am talking about.  The ones with the "funny" or "cute" little sayings on them but offer no real protective abilities or usefulness because the fabric is so sheer and after the first use you pretty much have to toss them out unless you are super careful?

Well, I am not that careful.

I told her that although I like beer and boobs, I just don't like them displayed on my apron.  In other words, I was looking for something less cutesy and more utilitarian, preferably with pockets.

Somehow, this chirpy little sales clerk was annoyed by this, and I think the reason was because the regular old kitchen bibs were less than half the price of the obnoxious novelty aprons.

Anyway, the boys eventually picked out a nice, plain, navy blue apron for me, and the Pizzmeister insisted that I grab the snazzy, neon orange oven mit too.

When I went to cash out, the same sales clerk was at the register and said something along the lines of my purchase not being very manly. 

Awesome!

Just what I need, some sales clerk from a kitchen store commenting on my masculinity.

I silently paid her while wondering if she was as "helpful" to all her customers and left with out telling her to have a nice day. 

"Yeah, that showed her." I smuggly thought as I left while attempting to avoid hitting middle aged women or store displays with our gigantic double stroller.

The rest of that excursion had me wondering about my masculinity, and also had me asking myself why I let some little twit get to me like that.

I over think things.

When we finally got home it failed to matter any longer because when I tried on the apron and started cooking Mama Bear told me that she thought I was the "Hotness!" or something like that. 

***Super Smug Grin***

Who needs traditional gender roles to feel manly when you have a wonderful wife and family that love and support you no matter what?