Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Every Little bit Counts!

So far this has been an exciting week!  We've used Skype for the first time, we finally came to a decision on what tandem stroller we want and ordered it, and I cashed out for the first time on my fusioncash account! 

Sweetness! Got around 30 bucks coming my way!

Sure, you've probably already heard of Skype, and are wondering why it has taken so long for us here at Dizzy Dad land to come around, but now that we are finally using it we love it!  Pizzly has been able to talk to his Uncle and Aunt in Florida for the first time in months while being able to see there faces thanks to my Mom and Dad showing us how cool skype is.

Geez!  Who would have thought that my ancient parents would be more technologically advanced than me.  It's kind of embarassing!

Ok, so chances are you already know all about Skype, but maybe you're not so familiar with fusioncash.    
 Free Money at FusionCash!

Basically, it is a site that pays you to take surveys, watch videos, search the web, do data input, read your e-mails, and you can even shop from a number of retailers and save a little bit of money by using the site to do it.

It's really kind of neat!

Yeah, I was a little skeptical myself at first, but it really does work!  Mama Bear and I just saved about 15 dollars when we bought our stroller, using the site.

Oh yeah, we ended up choosing the Contours options tandem stroller because it looks rad, and, more importantly, it seems to be pretty versatile and you can use multpile brands of infant car seats with it when you get the adapter.

Anyway, we are pretty excited.  It's nice to be able to have a resource like that when there's another brat on the way.

Here are a few more sites that I happened to stumble on and really like.

Search & Win




and there about a million coupon sites, so I won't list any of them.  Just do a search and you'll find something.

Just remember.  Every little bit counts!


Monday, January 30, 2012

Stupid Haunted House!

Ok, so my house isn't really haunted, but it kind of felt like it  was this weekend.  Well, it either felt haunted or like it was purposely trying to make me miserable.

It all started on Friday morning.  I woke up to Mama Bear telling me that there was something I needed to look at.

"Great!" I said because I already knew it wasn't going to be anything fun like a new puppy, but I wasn't ready for this.

It is all deflated now, but this was originally a pulsing blister of hate water.  

Apparently, the jerk who built the addition neglected to make it water tight.  

Boy was I chagrined.  

Especially, when all Friday morning until about 2 Pizzly kept pointing at our blister of hate water and saying "That doesn't look good.  Fix It!"

Then I said the magic words.  "Why don't you fix smarty pants?"

This caused the little man to dance excitedly while grabbing his little plastic tools.  

"Oh boy!  Now what am I going to do?"

Well, I ended up being the little man's step ladder while he "fixed" our leak and popped the blister with his hammer and screwdriver getting water all over.

After a few moments Pizzly decided that his job was done and proudly exclaimed "There.  All fixed!"

Then on Saturday when Uncle Ra Ra came over to help me really fix the leak the house bit me, which required a scolding from Mama Bear for not wearing gloves while working with metal, some band aids, and triple antibiotic ointment.  And, while Mama Bear was patching me up and telling me how stupid I was for not wearing gloves and that she shouldn't have to be my babysitter, Pizzly was giving me this look that was saying "Serves you right you fool.  I told you I already fixed that leak yesterday anyway!"

Then Two minutes later Uncle Ra Ra cut himself too and the whole scene repeated itself with the addition of Pizzly shaking his head and little fist in disgust.

Oh man this kid's a riot!

Now, all I have to do is wait until it rains to see if the leak did in fact stop so I can repair the damage inside.   

Friday, January 27, 2012

Pizzly's Dino Stylin' Pizza!

Well, last night Pizzly decided that Mama Bear wanted pizza for dinner.   The only problem was, we're broke, which is no big deal because we're always broke.  We're parents.  Do they come in any other way than broke?

Anyway, I told Pizzly that if he really thought Mama Bear wanted pizza, then he had to make it with me and pick out what went on top.

This was fun!

And, after some deliberation we came up with this!

I have to give the little man props here!
This is good ass pizza!!!
Pizzly's Dino Stylin' Pizza!

Here's what you need:

For the Dough:

1 scrubbed up and clean toddler
1 large mixing bowl
1 rubber scraper is handy
1 largish kitchen towel
enough room to work with a toddler
1 1/3 cups of water
2 Tablespoons of Olive oil
a couple pinches of salt
4 cups of flour
2 teaspoons of yeast
1 table spoon of garlic powder (optional)

Now, if you have never made pizza dough with a little one you have to try it at least once.  It could possibly be the most fun you'll ever have standing/sitting.  

(Eeww!!! That was kind of gross wasn't it?!)

Ok, moving on, First thing you need to do is dump all the ingredients in the mixing bowl and mix it all up

Now, dump the mixture on your work surface so you and the little one/s can knead the dough thoroughly.  It takes me about 10-15 minutes to do a decent job of it with the Pizzmeister and it is hilarious fun!  (W/O the Pizzmeister it is a lot quicker)

After the dough is uniformly moist and what not roll it into a ball shape and drop it in the mixing bowl.

Cover it all with a moistened towel and set it aside to set for about an hour or so.

Now, you can prepare the toppin's!

For the toppings of Pizzly's Dino Stylin' Pizza You need: 

1 thoroughly scrubbed up toddler (optional I guess)
1 oven preheated to 450 degrees
1 fry pan
1 baking sheet or pizza stone or whatever
2 cups of what ever kind of cheese you want (we used plain jane mozzarella)
2 cups of mixed vegetables
1 cup of sliced and diced mushrooms
4 tablespoons or so of Ranch Dressing
1 tablespoon or so of Parmesan cheese
2 tablespoons of garlic powder
6 chicken patties cut into fun little dino shapes
2 tablespoons of oil

First thing first,  fry up the veggies in the fry pan over medium heat to get most of the extra moisture out and add the chicken patties for a few minutes.  Just heat them up until they are good and hot on the outside not burned or  heated all the way through.  Remember they are going to go into a 450 degree oven.

Take this stuff off of the heat.

Now, while that is cooling grab the dough and roll it out to fit your pizza pan or baking sheet or whatever you are using

Once you have the dough the way you want it on the sheet or whatever sprinkle on and spread out the oil to cover the entire crust.

Now, sprinkle on the garlic powder and Parmesan cheese and over that spread out the ranch dressing as evenly as you can.

Now add the mixed veggies and mushrooms.  Put the cheese over it all and put the cutesy chicken patty crap on top.  (For some reason kids love that kind of stuff)

Now you are almost done.  Just put the pizza in a 450 degree oven for 12 minutes and voila!

You have your very own Pizzly Dino Stylin' Pizza!

Try it out and let me know how you like it...

P.s. You don't really have to let the Dough set before you roll it out or toss it.  It just makes it easier to roll/toss if you do.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

B&B Biskeys!!!

That's right!

Baking powder and Butter Biscuits!


Here's what you need:

about 30 minutes of time (including baking time)

1 oven preheated to 425
a fairly large surface to work on (say 18" x 18" or the size of a cutting board)
1 baking sheet
1 Drinking glass/tumbler or whatever you drink out of
1 med-large mixing bowl
2 cups of flour
1 tablespoon of baking powder
1/4 teaspoon of salt to 1/2 teaspoon
1/3 cup of butter/shortening/bacon grease/lard (I have grown to preferring just straight up margarine but shortening will give you browner biskeys)
3/4 cup of milk (can substitute in soy milk but I am not a fan)
optional: Garlic powder

1st: mix all of the dry ingredients in the bowl

Next: cut in the 1/3 cup of butter or shortening (Cutting it in is just squishing the butter into the mixture with a fork or pastry cutter. I didn't know this at first and always wondered why my biscuits were all crappy. Now, I like them lots! Just look at my tummy. It's proof!)

When you are done cutting in the butter/whatever the mixture should look crumbly

now make a well in the center of the mixture and add the milk and stir it all together.

After it is stirred as well as you can plop the mixture on a lightly floured surface and knead and fold the dough so the texture is even-ish (should only take a minute or so)

Now roll the dough into a ball and flatten it out so it is about a 1/2 inch thick and maybe 14" in diameter ( I use the drinking glass to roll it out smoothly)

Next use the drinking glass as a cookie cutter and starting punching out the biscuits 

Place the biscuits on the baking sheet and then put them in the preheated oven at 425 for 12 minutes or so. (Be careful the first time because these bad boys burn fairly easily.)

Now, just think. You can use these biscuits for anything from breakfast sandwiches to dessert.

My favorite is a dessert our friend in PA showed us involving fresh strawberries and whipped cream piled on the biscuit.

It's the shiznit!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Easy Peasy Bread!

If you are like me, then you have noticed that bread is getting ridiculously expensive these days!  So, I have decided to bake my own for awhile, and I am such a cool guy that I am going to share my recipe with you. 

Believe it or not it is really easy to do it yourself, and I have even figured out that is cheaper than buying it at a store usually.

Here we go.

Easy Bread:

for this you'll need:

non-stick cooking spray
some plastic wrap
1 large mixing bowl
1 loaf pan or baking sheet
1 brush
1 sharp knife
1 towel
1 1/4 cups of warm water
1/4 cup of margarine or butter
1 tablespoon of sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons of salt
3 1/2 cups of flour
2 teaspoons of yeast (active dry) (you can either get it in ready to use packets or in bulk packages. I prefer bulk just make sure to refigerate it regardless)

In a mixing bowl put in the warm water and margarine stir briefly. Then add the sugar and salt stir again briefly.

Next throw in the flour and make a small indent on top of the flour mountain and put the yeast there. Stir vigorously and then pull the mixture out of the bowl and place it on a lightly floured surface.

Now fold and knead the dough repeatedly. After about 5-10 minutes the dough should be uniform in texture and color.

Now roll the dough into a ball and place it in the mixing bowl.

Once the dough is in the bowl thoroughly soak the towel and then wring it out well. Put it on top of the bowl so as to not touch the dough. let that sit for an hour or two or until it doubles in size.

Then take the doughball out punch it down. It should still be larger than the original ball, but if it isn't don't worry.  You are going to let it rise again in a little bit.
Now is the fun part. Fold and Knead the dough briefly again.

Then shape it how you want. I.e. if it is going into a loaf pan form the dough into a brick shape ( all sides should look fairly smooth.)

Now, spray the inside of the loaf pan if you are using one with the non-stick spray and then place the brick shaped dough into the pan.

If you are going to roll the dough out to make a long loaf good luck. I have a hell of a time doing that.  90% of the time it ends up flat. 

Anyway, once the dough is in the loaf pan or rolled out how you want it grab your knife and make 1/2 inch cuts in it to allow air bubbles to escape as it rises. Don't go deeper if you can help it because the bread will split when it rises if you cut too deep into it. I have only had this happen once, but that was enough. It sucked.

Now, cover the dough with either the moist cloth you used earlier or spray some non-stick coating on some plastic wrap and cover the dough and let sit/rise for about 45 minutes or however long it takes it for the dough to double in size.

While waiting for the dough to rise Preheat your oven to 350 degrees
When the dough has risen uncover it and it put it in the oven to bake for around half an hour. When it is done you'll know because you should be able to tap on it and the loaf will sound hollow. Or, when you stick a knife in it the knife will come out clean.

Now, Plop the bread out of the pan and place it on a rack to cool. If no rack put it on a towel.

This part is optional: The bread is going to come out of the oven with a hard crust. If you want it to soften up nicely paint it with butter before it cools down to room temp. Don't worry it won't cool all the way really for at least an hour. There is plenty of time.

Also if you want to add flavor to the bread you can do so after the first rise. I like to add garlic powder every once in awhile or cinnamon.  There is a ton of stuff you could do!

Once the breaed has cooled for at least an hour you can cut it easily. 

Well, that's how I make my easy peasy bread.  Hope you try it out, and if you do.  Tell me how you liked it.

P.s. I am probably going to throw a few more recipes on here since I am writing a few of them down for my brother anyway.  Feel free to e-mail some of your recipes and I will add them.  We are going for easy cost effective recipes.  Quick too I guess although I don't really think that making your own bread is quick, but there is a lot of down time while you're waiting for it to rise.  

Monday, January 23, 2012

Welcome to the Jungle! That's What Baby Likes!!!

Thank you to http://magpiewrites.blogspot.com/
For providing a photo I can steal.  It came
from this post specifically.
This morning Pizzly and I remembered how much he loves hair metal, specifically "Guns and Roses." 

We were watching some music videos on youtube this morning before Mama Bear went to work when I decided I wanted to listen to some music from my youth, so naturally I loaded up some "Guns N' Roses." 

Yeah Axl Rose baby!!!

Well, eventually, "Welcome to the Jungle" came on, and when Pizzly heard the opening to it he kind of just stood there.

He was standing so still, as a matter of fact, that I thought he was crapping his draws.

Nope, not the case.

He was just feeling the music, and when Axl screams out his siren imitation Pizzly looked at me and shouted "Yeah, that's what baby LIKES!!!"

Following that, was a tournament of crazy toddler type dancing.

Boy am I exhausted!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

It's Either a Hamburger or a Hot Dog!

This morning Mama Bear had a doctor's appointment with her OB, and I got to go along because Grammy and Grampy were able to baby sit Pizzly.

I say that I got to go along, but what I mean was I was lucky enough to go too.  You may not believe this, but I really do enjoy going to these visits.  For one thing, I really love being able to hear my baby's heart beat, and for secondsies, Mama Bear's Mid Wife is awesome!  She's great fun to be around, and she actually answers all of our questions and assuages all of our fears. 

She's a very good calming influence.  For me anyways.

Anyway, since we had no ultra sound today, the topic of the ultra sound came up because at our next visit we will hopefully find out the sex of our baby!

It's going to be awesome!

Some how we ended up talking about how hard it is for some people to determine what they are seeing when they view an ultra sound photo, which turned into a laugh fest because when Pizzly was still residing in Mama Bear's womb it didn't quite click in my mind that I was looking at his penis when the ultra sound tech was showing us.

But, I am not the only person who has been confused by these types of photos ,so I am not alone, which doesn't necessarily make me feel any better.  

Anyway, after the giggle at my expense the mid wife told me, "Really, it's not that hard. It either looks like a hamburger or a hot dog! See?"

Then she proceeded to draw it in the air for me while giggling evilly.

Photo from McDonalds.com
photo from Hillbillyhotdogs.com

I guess I can see the resemblance if I really use my imagination.  What a riot!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Loaded Skinny Jeans! Yuck!

I have noticed a disturbing trend lately on FaceBook. 

It seems like just about every highschool/college age kid has posted a photo of themselves either shirtless or lifting up their shirt to show off their tummies!

Why is that?

And what is it with these skinny jeans that all the "cool" kids are wearing these days?

I just don't get it!

Man, I am getting old!

It makes me wonder how far out of style I am.  You know.  How long ago did I hop off of the fashion train, and not even realize that I had?

I think it was some time after the 80's, but before the underpants showing baggy pants phenomenon of the mid to late 90's.  Back when it was fashionable to wear a an unbuttoned button up shirt over a tee-shirt.  Yeah, I can still rock that look...I think.

But, the difference is now I do it out of necessity.  You see, all of my t-shirts are stained and none of my button up shirts fit over my tummy to button up anymore.  They must have shrank or something!

Anyway, as I look around at all these kids walking around, I have to wonder what is coming around the bend fashion wise because what they are wearing now just doesn't make sense.

Don't get me wrong here.  I really am genuinely glad that a lot of the young girls I see are secure in their self-image, but a little modesty wouldn't hurt.  And, to be frank, I am tired of my eyes being assaulted by little kid ass crack because they don't know what size pants they actually wear, and I am tired of seeing an ample amount of "love handles" poking out from underneath whatever it is that is passing as a shirt nowadays.

Now, don't think I am only talking about the little girls here.  The little boys are just as bad. In fact the only difference between what the little girls are wearing and what the little boys are wearing is that the little boys usually wear shirts that do in fact go all the way to their wasteline.  The little girls don't always.  Maybe half of the time they do.

I just hope that by the time Pizzly hops on the fashion train the newest trend won't be as horrid as the current one.  I mean I am not too sure if I can handle seeing him in those dreadful skinny jeans pulled down low with his tighty whities sticking up past his belly button.  It's just gross!

Don't these kids know that all the adults are secretly smirking and laughing at them because when they walk around it looks like they just dropped a huge load in their pants?

For the parents of those little hooligans I truly feel bad.  If it wasn't so tragic, then it might be adorable to them.  Kind of like reminding them of the days when their brat was sweet and innocent and really did have a load in his pants.

I can just see them doing the sniff by, checking to see if their 15 year old needs a diaper change. 

You know what I am talking about.  The tentative sniff test we all do around our toddlers because you really don't want to smell what "the (baby rock) has been cooking" but you have to because otherwise you would be a neglectful parent because you wouldn't necessarily know to change the little twerp.

In my mind all the parents of these little 15 year old boys who wear the skinny jeans low rider style are doing that same sniff test every morning before the little punks head out to school.  The mental image saddens and amuses me.

I just hope that my little Pizzly bear doesn't ever decide to dress like that, but if he does I guess I won't love him any less.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Lovely Little Puppy!

The title to this post is a little misleading.  No,  we didn't get a new puppy.  We ended up with a little monster almost 2 year old little boy pretending to be a puppy.

But, I think he is taking his game a little too far...maybe

It is cute though.

I mean he is playing fetch like a dog a would.  You don't believe me?  

Here watch this!

But, that's not all the little bugger is doing.  Pizzly has also refused to use his hands while eating or taking his vitamin.  It is starting to get weird.  He's even tried to drink for the dog bowl. 

I mean I like dogs and all that.  I just don't know if I want my son to be one.

Great!  Now he's chasing the cat around the house barking at it!

Our real dogs don't even do that!

Where'd he learn to do that from?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I Need Help on This One!!! Pretty Please!

For the last few months there has been an ongoing debate in our household, and even Pizzly has weighed in on the subject.

What double stroller should we pick up for when Two arrives?

Yes, I know that Pizzly is almost 2 already and shouldn't need to be in a stroller for too much longer, but I have to be realistic. 

I walk with a cane, so it might be nice to have a way to contain the Pizzmeister and Two while we go for walks to the park or during trips to the zoo or just wherever we happen to go, and I refuse to leash my kids.

So, now all we have to do is decide which tandem stroller is best for us. 

But, man, there are a crap load of options out there. Do we get the Graco, the Baby Trends, the Contours, or another brand?  Should I go for a side by side stroller, a sit and stand, or what?

Well, luckily enough for us we have another 7 months or so before we could actually us it, but in the mean time there are some decisions to be made.

For instance:

Do we go for the contours that looks kind of cool, and has a variety of car seat attachments?

I have to admit. I like the fact that it has two shades because, let's face it, both Mama Bear and I are glow in the dark white.  Therefore, Pizzly is glow in the dark, and I am sure Two will be too, so I am liking the shades.

What about a Graco?

No, it isn't quite as snazzy as the contours, but our friends who have a graco said that they liked it, and it has a nice boot.  It looks I could stow tons of crap in there.

And, we already have a Graco new born carseat.

What about this three wheeled monstrosity?

It looks kind of cool, and the wheels are nice and large, so, theoretically, it should be easy to push around town while walking to the park.

But, it seems a bit wide for when we go out to other places like the mall or grocery shopping. 


What about this one?

It seems like it would be nice and maneuverable, and Pizzly would be able to hop on and off willy-nilly.

But, I am not sure if that would be more of a hassle than anything else, and the boot in it is kind of small. Not a lot of room for snacks and such there.

Or, what about something like this umbrella style stroller?

I really like the idea of it being light weight and ultra foldable, but I am not sure if it is something I could use when Two is brand new.

That, and the tiny wheels might make it hard to walk around town with.  You know how sidewalks are.  They are never smooth.

I also wonder if it is something I could push around with my one unoccupied arm, and there is no boot to store bottles and snacks in.  That may be a problem.

Hmm...I think I am going to need help on this, especially from those of you who have multiple children and have used a tandem stroller or are using one.

Any suggestions on brand or style?

What is the deal breaker for you?

What options are really nice to have?

Please Help Me!!!

Man, I am glad that we still have seven months to make this decision.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Beware of Advice Givers! They may be Effing with You!

Mama Bear came home yesterday and tried to burst my bubble.  Apparently, she wanted to go over my quiz yesterday to see how I answered.  It is just her way of keeping me in check so I don't get all superior and stuff.

So, I told her what I answered, and amazingly I won the game I didn't know I was playing because she agreed, I think, with all my answers.

No they weren't what I was supposed to do, but they were what I in fact did.  Then I made sure to point out the answers that came straight from the tips for dads that I found in her parenting book.  She told me that I had better not follow anything that that book says because nothing but bad would come from it.  And, she said that if I ever asked her OB what kind of excersizes she and I could do together so she could look and feel better about herself, it would mean certain death for me.

Yes, that's right.  

Mama Bear's pregnancy book suggested that dad's to be agree with their wives when they say that they are "Fat, bloated, and gross."  And, whats more, her book suggests that dads to be not only agree, because you should always agree with a pregnant woman, but the book also said that us dads should insist that our pregnant wives get up and exercize with us.  And, we are supposed to ask her doctor what specific excersizes our wives should focus on to fix their "problem" areas.

Yeah...not going to happen.

Any dad to be knows better than to go there...I hope. 

I mean it's ludicrous!  Right?

"But, what are us dads to be supposed to do?  How are we going to know how to respond to situations without having someone tell us?" you may be asking.

Sadly enough, we are just going to have to rely on our own noggins and maybe each other...maybe.

Yes, I know that this is going to involve some trial and error and a lot of work, but it will be worth it.

So, put down the parenting books and magazines and start thinking for yourself.

For instance:

Honey do I look fatter or is the baby starting to show = trick question.  There is no right answer.  You can say "No you don't look fat at all." but she will not believe that or she'll say something like "Oh man.  Then the baby is showing, and I don't want to tell people yet!"

Or, you can say "Nah. You're not showing yet." Implying, that she doesn't look any different than ever, but then she'll assume that you are calling her fat, and a fight will ensue.

Or, you can just outright say "You don't look any different than last month before you were pregnant."  But, then she'll assume that something is wrong with the baby and flip out, or she will assume again that you are calling her a fatty.

Or you can tell her how beautiful she is, and this might work, but not always or even usually in my case.  If it doesn't work it's because she thinks that you are lying to her so as to not hurt her feelings.  Now, you have some 'splaining to do!

See? There really is just no right answer for this type of question, so I usually pretend I didn't hear it and move on to another topic of conversation, but, sadly, that doesn't work most of the time either.

So, that leaves me guessing what she wants to hear and spouting it out, hoping I was right.

If I was to follow the book's advice and tell her that "yes she has gained weight but it's for the baby, so it's ok." then I would probably wake up dead!

Yeah, the "advice" may sound reasonable, but it is also just a douchey thing to say to a pregnant lady who already feels bad about her appearance.  No one wants to be told that they are getting fatter.

That, and it's also kind of demeaning because saying that to her implies that she didn't already know that she was going to gain weight for the baby, meaning you think she is stupid!

So, you will never hear anything like that come out of my mouth despite the fact that it was written down in a pregnancy book for me to read by an award winning author.

Here's another trap that may come up that the book covered.

Honey look at her.  Isn't she pretty? = No.  The answer is always no, especially when she is pregnant and asking you.  The only other option is to say that you didn't notice, or don't know whom she is talking about.  If you say yes, nothing good will come of it. 

Sure, I am aware that there are a lot of women that point out other women to their partners and claim that it doesn't bother them when the man agrees, but, more often than not, it's a test.  And, if you fail this test, you are going to pay.
But, my wife's book would have me believe that I am supposed to agree and say "Yes.  That woman is very attractive!" 

Then this book goes on to say how a dad to be should be in agreement with the mom to be over mundane things because she is under a lot of stress.  Yeah, I agree with that, but using this as an example is terrible.  Never in a million years is it a good idea for me to agree with my wife that some other woman is attractive!  It's just not going to work out in my favor especially when my wife is pregnant!

If you think it's a trap, chances are it is, so be careful!

There.  That's my advice for all us dads to be.  We should all use our noggins just a little bit more.  We don't need any stupid pregnancy books or magazines to tell us how to behave during our wife's pregnancy.  We just need to dust off our brains and use some good ole' common sense.

Yeah...I know.

That's something that we're seriously lacking as a society, not just for men, but for everyone around here, but the more we try the better we will get. 

Here's a recap:  Beware of people who give you advice.  You never know when they are just effing with you! 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Are/Were You a D-Bag Dad to be? The Quiz!

Recently, Mama Bear and I have been reading those pregnancy self-help books and having quite a laugh.  well, at least I have been having a laugh about it.

It just seems like the authors of these types of book put in some of the most asinine stuff, and they all assume that those who read such books have the intelligence of which rivals that of an old smelly tennis shoe.


But, what I find most amusing about these books are all the little "useful" tips that they throw in there for the dads to be.  Some of these tips are borderline offensive, and left me thinking that a guy would have to be a real self-centered D-Bag to not know this crap already.  Then I wondered....

...Am I a douche bag dad to be?

I don't know, but I am assuming I am because I am questioning it. 

But, let's find out!

I have devised a simple little quiz to help me, and you can use it too.

How are you most likely to respond to the following?  (Yes, I know that there are bound to be some responses that don't fit you at all, but just do your best.)

1.) It's been a long day.  Both you and the mother of your unborn child are exhausted, and the house is trashed.  Do you...  
        a.)  Get up off your butt and clean up so she doesn't have to because you know that a messy house drives her nuts

        b.)  pretend that you don't notice the mess so she won't ask you to pick up.  After all, it's not like you care if the house is untidy. 

        c.) turn to her and tell her "jokingly" that the house isn't going to clean itself.

2.) A few of your "Boys" want to go out for a weekend of golf and ask you to come along.  The your pregnant wife tells you to go and have fun.  You...

        a.) decide not to go anyway because you need to save your money so you can spend it on toys for the baby later.

        b.) Go but feel guilty about it the whole time and come home early with a gift for her.

        c.) head out the door so fast she doesn't even have a chance to finish her sentence.  Yay for weekend with the "boys!"

3.) So far your wife/girlfriend/f-buddy/whatever she is to you has had a ton of doctors appointments, and you have an open invitation to attend each one.  You...

       a.) have attended as many as you could and actively pay attention to what the midwife/doctor says because you want to know what's going on.

       b.) have never missed an important appointment, but, unfortunately, cannot attend these visits as frequently as you would like to.

       c.) went to the appointment where you learned the baby's sex.  Other than that you haven't gone, and really didn't even know that there were more than just the one appointment that she had to go to.

4.) It's time to put the car seat in.  You...

        a.) struggle through the irritation of assembly and installation of the damn thing with out any major mishaps or temper tantrums.  Then make an appointment to have a professional double check your work.

        b.) give it the good ole' college try, but soon find yourself in the middle of having a bat crap crazy tantrum.  The mother decides to finish installing the baby seat for you, but can't quite get it either.  In the end you work together and get it figured out.

        c.) manage to get the car seat in the car with no problem whatsoever, and don't think to have it checked because you know it's right dammit!     

5.) Your wife said that she feels fat, bloated and gross!  You...

        a.) tell her that despite how she feels she is still wicked hot while giving her a back rub.

        b.) giggle and tease her for a while about it.  Then tell her she's a beautiful preggo and try to get into her pants.

        c.) agree and suggest that she excerisize with you, and at her next doctor's visit ask her doctor to suggest some excersizes that you two can do together. 

6.) You and your spouse just found out that she is expecting and want to celebrate.  You...

         a.) take her to her favorite restaurant, and then let her call the shots for the rest of the day even if that means an extended shopping trip.  Yuck!

         b.) decide to go out to a "nice" restaurant, brag to the serving people about how you are going to be a daddy, and then order a bottle of wine, which she can't drink because she's all preggers, so you drink it all. 

          c.) make her a cake and then go out and rent the movie "P.S. I Love you" and laugh at her as she sobs hysterically through out the entire movie. 

7.) Your newly pregnant wife is trying on clothes and asks you if a certain outfit makes her look pregnant or just fat.  You...

           a.) evade the question like you would the plague because you realize that it's a trap and there is no right answer.  Run!

           b.) come up with a third option and tell her that she looks great and hope she doesn't press the issue.

           c.) fall for the trap and tell her one of three things. 1-it's too early for her to be showing. 2-she definitely looks preggers.  3-you tell her that she looks a bit chubby, so her secret is safe thus far. 

8.) It's the first time you're going with your wife to an OB's appointment after finding out she's pregnant.  While there you...

           a.) are nervously excited, but try your darnedest to pay attention and not make a fool of yourself.

            b.) pretend that you didn't know she was pregnant, and exclaim "What?!  I thought you was just getting fat baby cakes!"

              c.) spend most of your time texting.

9.) It's time for birthing class!  You...

             a.) are disappointed by the lack of refreshments that were promised  you.  Then do your best to pay attention because you never know when there might be something new to learn.

                     b.) are there with a note pad and plenty of pencils, but then realize that it isn't that kind of class. Then you look around and wonder how many of the people attending the class are older than 14 and if they can read or not.

             c.) show up thinking that it will be a waste of time and then leave during the first "potty" break.

10.) YOUR WIFE'S IN LABOR!!!  While at the hospital you...

             a.) run and get ice chips for her and do everything you can to make her comfortable, including mimicking the LeMaze breathing in her face, which causes her to try and kill you.

              b.) you hold her hair back while she pukes, but other than that you sit in the recliner in the room and watch the olympics chanting "U.S.A!!!  U.S.A!!!  U.S.A!!!"  Then you politely ask the nurse if she could do something to quiet down the lady across the hall because you are trying to watch hockey.

              c.) assure your wife that it can't be that bad, and then urge her to hurry up because you are tired!

Ok.  That's the quiz. 

Here's how to see how you did. 

All the A's are worth 1 point, all the B's are worth two points, and all the C's are worth 3 points. 

Add up all your scores!

(0-14) = Not even slightly Douchey

Yay!  Congrats!  Now add five points to this score because we are all at least a little douchey at some point during our partners pregnancy, but don't sweat it.  As men we can try to be as understanding as possible, but we can never fully understand now can we?  And, even when we have the best intentions in the world we are going to come across as a little douchey now and again to her.

(15-24) = You have D-baggish Tendencies!

Way to go.  You aren't a total D-bag Dad to be, but you are definitely aspiring to be one.  And, you are in good company!  Just remember, there is nothing wrong with coming across as a D-Bag every once in a while, but if you are worried about becoming a total D-Bag Dad permanently keep repeating this in your head. "The world does not revolve around me! I am  not the most important here!  MY KIDS ARE!!!"

(25-30) = You my friend are a total D-Bag Dad to be!

Good for you!  Way to embrace your inner D-Bag! 

Perhaps you ought to tone it down a bit.  While being self-centered is ok some of the time, it definitely is tiresome for those around you when that some of the time becomes all of the time.  And, think of what kind of messages you are sending your kid when you act certain ways.  Work on it, if not for you do it for your children.