Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Wait Until the New Wears Off!

It seems like the internet is just full of marriage advice.  No scratch that…Parenting websites and magazines are full of shitty marriage advice that is so totally unrealistic that you wonder what planet the people writing this crap is from.

With this in mind, I am going to write some of my own advice to some of the people out there giving everyone else advice because for some reason they think they have all the answers and the “perfect” marriage because of it.

Well, the first thing I am going to say is this, “Bull Honkey!”

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage.

The second thing I am going to say is, “If you think your marriage is so great and should be emulated it’s probably because the new hasn’t worn off yet.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t be so completely naïve.”  Just wait until the new wears off and your partnership is no longer so shiny and sparkly anymore, then see what happens. 

That’s when you truly find out if the partnership is great or not!

I am talking about the point in the relationship that you can have an argument with your partner when they are nowhere to be seen.  How is this possible?  Well…at some point you are bound to know the other person so well that you just know what they are going to say and think at any point in time.  Like right now, for instance, I am hearing my wife tell me to get up off my butt and do the dishes, but I’m not going to because I am spiteful and don’t like to be bossed around.

You see?  It is totally possible for me to argue with her even though she is at work, and I am at home. 

I am convinced that a lot of people do this whether they realize it or not, and, if you are like me, your spouse gets home you’ll  still be mad at them and they’ll have no idea why. 

It’s precious!

I do this to my wife every once in a while, and usually…the kicker here is…when I argue with her in my head she is usually right.   So, when she gets home I resent the fact that I was wrong and take it out on her even though she is totally innocent of any wrong doing.

But, prior to the arguing with your spouse in your head stage there are going to be other things going on.  Other stages of life as a spouse.  Like, the stage where you no longer find it cute and endearing to come home and find your spouse’s nasty knickers lying on the floor instead of in the hamper or that whenever they shower or shave they leave hair all over the place or the fact that they never replace the toilet paper roll when they used the last of the roll so you’re stuck on the shitter wondering what kind of mess you are going to make when you get up to get another roll, and then, there’s the evil stench that seeps out of your spouse’s bottom all the time, which no longer feels homey but more like hell to you.

In case you haven’t guessed I am the perpetrator of all these unthinkable acts.  It amazes me what my wife is willing to put up with.  

But, this is how I know that she truly loves me and I truly love her.

We can easily put up with each other’s foibles and shortcomings. 

Yes, we fight, but who doesn’t?

And in the end, it doesn’t matter that we have fights because we love each other and we both know it.  There is no going through the motions with us.  That is how I know I have a great marriage.  I don’t feel like I am just going through the motions and neither does she.

No, that doesn’t mean that I have all the answers, and, no, any advice I give you isn’t likely to be any good, but it means that I am happy. We are happy together.   And, we’re happy because we bothered to take the time to really get to know each other before the new wore off, which may take days or even years, but eventually it will happen. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Stupid...Stupid...Stupid...Me!

Well, yesterday I was a little peeved at all the idiotic kids that are out and about, and I am finding it amazing at how quickly I have forgotten about that and have now decided to be angry at myself.

Well...not really all that angry.

More like embarrassed, but not quite as embarrassed as not knowing what a Brazilian wax was or the time I got caught making a sling shot out of a mannequin and her bra in a store.

Nevertheless, I am still a little embarrassed and I am sure that my manliness is being called into question by somebody somewhere for other reasons than being a stay at home da.

As you may or may not know, yesterday I had to take the family truckster to the car doctor's because it was smoking fairly heavily, which irritated me a little.  The last thing I wanted was to have to spend money on fixing my vehicle, but what choice did I have.  I started her up and the entire van was immediately engulfed in smoke.  

Well, I can't be driving the little man around like that, so I had no choice but to take it in and have it checked out, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.  

Anyway, I dropped the van off and told the mechanic what was up with it.  Well, actually he could kind of tell by the horrid smell it was making as well as all the smoke it was creating.  But, anyway, I dropped it off and waited all day for the bad news.

Well, eventually I couldn't wait anymore so I gave them a call to see what was wrong, and they hadn't gotten to it yet, but they assured me they would soon.  

Knowing my mechanic the way I do I knew he would never call me back, so I asked my wife to just stop by on her way back home from work.  


Yeah, I could call them again, but they usually don't answer their phone after 4:30, so what's the point?

AS it turns out, asking my wife to stop by was a mistake!

I looked like a major ass when they figured out what the problem was and told her about it.

Now, I am the butt of a few jokes I imagine.

Anyway, my little darling wife came home with her typical impish little grin that she only gets when I do something stupid, and then she blurts out "There's nothing wrong with your car except that it somehow had too much transmission fluid in it and it was spouting out onto the engine, which caused all the smoke."


"Hmm...I wonder how all that got in there?" She said.

Then she proceeded to laugh at me.

So, now my wife thinks I'm an ass, my mechanic, who is also a family friend, thinks I am an ass, and I have the privilege of paying for the knowledge that I am an ass in cold hard cash.  

You know, I could have saved some of my dignity and checked the fluid levels of the van, but I didn't.  So, it is my fault that I look like an idiot.  

I just wish that I had been the one that got a hold of the mechanic first because then I could have at least come up with some sort of extravagant lie to tell my wife so I could retain some of my manliness.

She's never going to let me live this down you know!

Well, even had I managed to come up with an extravagant lie where I somehow outsmarted the mechanic and fixed the problem all on my own my wife would see right through it because I can't lie for crap apparently, and she always knows when I am telling her a tall one.  But, it would have at least been worth a try.

Oh well.  Looking at the bright side of things, at least there was nothing wrong with the family truckster, and, for that, I am glad to sacrifice my pride...I guess.  


Now, it's time to get prepared for the jokes at my expense.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Stupid...Stupid...Stupid...Kids!

First off, I realize that I was a stupid kid once.  Perhaps, I was even stupider than a lot of the kids I see nowadays, but that isn't the point now is it?

I have grown up a littler since then, and I hope that these idiots grow out of this phase of stupidity and assholishness too.

Yes, I fully admit that I used to yell at people out of the windows of my car, and I switched the signs in people's yards that advertised for one candidate or another during election season, and my friends and I had water balloon fights from within our cars while we were driving on country roads, but that was about the extent of my assholishness.

Granted, that is more than enough because I realize now how annoying it can be to watch all this stupidity going down, but I would like to think that even when we were doing all that...we still weren't as bad as the teenage kids I see walking around town now.

Yeah, I was annoying, but I would never be belligerent to an adult for no apparent reason, I wouldn't have dared vandalize someone's property, I wouldn't have had the balls to smoke when I was underage because in my small town the law was actually enforced at that time, and I certainly wouldn't have intentionally hurt anyone.

You see, we, the group of friends I hung out with and myself of course, had an invisible line that we wouldn't cross because deep down we didn't want to be thought of as hooligans even if that was exactly what we were.

Apparently, everything has changed since then.  Even though kids have always been stupid assholes, they are even more so now.

I just hope that my kid doesn't follow that trend even though I am sure that he will anyway eventually.  Luckily, I have a number of years before he is a teen, so maybe the trend will be different then.

I doubt it however because, like I said, teens have always been stupid and have had assholish tendencies.  That isn't likely to change ever.

You are probably asking yourself what I am on about, so I will tell you.

This morning I went to the family truckster and fired her up only to see smoke come pouring out of the engine compartment.  Not too cool.  

So, I took it to the mechanic and dropped it off.  Mind you, I had the boy with me and no one to come and pick me up.  No big deal I thought.  I'll just walk since it is only about a a mile away from my house and it wasn't god awful hot out yet.  

Besides, I thought that the walk was supposed to cool me down a little since I was a bit testy due to the issues my beloved truckster was giving me.

Well, the walk did nothing to calm me down.  As you may know, it is summer time, which means that all the kids are out of school for summer vacation, which, in turn, means that they are all over the place doing idiotic things wrongly believing that they are being cool.

Therefore, the mile walk home seemed to take forever because witnessing all the stupidity going on around me was extremely tedious.  

I watched as a civic full of teeny boppers threw what seemed to be a big gulp out the window at an old man, I saw some kid hanging out of a rusted ford ranger screaming out his window at me, which woke the little man up from his stroller nap and made him cry, and then the most annoying thing happened.

Some little teen girl decided that she was going to hassle me as I walked by her.  Granted, it wasn't a bad hassling, but I was already quite pissed by then.  

Anyway, as I passed by she came up to me and said, "I sure hope that your kid doesn't turn out to be fat like you." which made all her little asshole buddies laugh, but not as much as my reply did, which was "As long as he doesn't turn out as stupid as you he'll be alright."

Now, normally I wouldn't have said anything and just ignored the little brat, but as I said a few times already I was quite testy by that point.

But, that doesn't mean that I don't feel bad about being mean to a little kid.  After all she might have been 16-17 tops, so it really isn't her fault that she has no manners and is stupid.  It is the hormones, the excruciating need to fit in, and poor parenting, which is probably the kid's biggest problem, that turned this poor little girl into an asshole who stupidly thinks that being obnoxious is cool. 

Yeah, I know.  You can only put so much blame on the parents because they can't be blamed for every poor decision that their kid makes, but you have to admit.  Stupid people tend to spawn stupid kids, and this really shows during the teenage years. 

And this, is why I believe that there should be some sort of test or something that people have to pass before they have children. 

Friday, July 22, 2011

A Not so Discreet Message!

As many of you know, my wife and I have been working on potty training our little man.  So far, it is going fairly well.  Sure there are a few accidents, but on the whole we are making awesome progress and I am really proud of the little tyke.  

I think he is rather proud of himself too.  But, on the whole I think he is just in it for the treats we give him when he sits on the potty.  

Hey, that works for me.

Unfortunately, the little bugger has learned to sit on the potty, get his treat, and then skate off with out producing anything.  

The little cheater!  

Well, yesterday I said to myself, "I'll fix his little red wagon!  I am not going to give him his treat unless he sits there and makes with the pee or poop."  There.  Problem solved.  He's smart I am sure he'll catch on.

Well, here's the problem he did catch on, and he wasn't happy about it.  No.  He didn't throw a tantrum or anything.  He's much too sneaky for that, and he knows that a tantrum won't get him anywhere.  

Instead, he waited and formulated a plan in order to make me see the error of my ways with a very clear, distinct message.

He coaxed me into playing with him on the floor, which I don't need to be coaxed to do.  No.  This wasn't the message.  Just wait.  Trust me it's worth it.

So, anyway, we were playing on the floor last night while my wife took a shower.  Everything seemed normal, and, like usual, he got tired after a few moments, so we both just sort of laid on the floor resting.

After a few moments, he jumped back up to his feet, which is usually the precursor to him jumping on me.  Well, he didn't jump on me.  

He startled giggling like a fiend.  Then he walked quietly up to my head like he was trying to sneak up on me.

So, here I was lying on the floor with a toddler sneaking up to my head just waiting for him to pounce...but he never did.

He started shrieking with laughter instead.  And, that's when I felt something warm falling on the side of my head.

THE LITTLE MONSTER WAS PISSING ON MY HEAD!  ON PURPOSE!

Apparently, that was the funniest thing in the world, and he was laughing so hard that I couldn't even scold him for being gross and mean.  No, I started laughing too, which I know is going to back fire because now he thinks he can get away with it.

Anyway, after he stopped urinating on me he pointed to the potty and then to the cheese doodles.

I looked at him and said, "Point taken.  I'll continue to give you the treats every time you sit on the potty regardless of whether or not you peepee or poopoo."  Then he smiled, pointed at me and laughed, and then ran to go tell his momma what he had done.

The brat is too smart for his own good.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Defeated by a Toddler...Again!

Well, well, well...it seems as though the little man woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  He is extra defiant and independent today.  I am not quite sure what is going on.   He won't let me help him on his potty, he yelled at me when I tried to hold his glass for him to drink out of, he got furious when I tried to play trains with him, and to top it all off he laughed at me and then attacked when I reprimanded him for being mean to the poor dogs.  

All I said was, "Please don't hit the doggies.  That hurts them."

Then out of nowhere a streaking child flew at me from a dark corner somewhere and attacked me.  I am talking about a serious hitting and kicking attack complete with growls of laughter and ended with him licking my face because, for some reason, he finds it funny to gross me out.  

(Actually, as many of you know, many toddler kisses are nothing more than creepy, drooling, open mouthed, tongue sticking out grossness!  But, you have to accept the kisses because you are a parent, and parents have to learn to live with a whole truck load of grossness for their kids.)   

Anyway, I didn't even see the attack coming.  So, I never had a chance.  His vicious toddler kung fu! and kisses were just too much for me.  

Luckily, he was feeling merciful and graciously allowed me to live as I proved to be useful as a slave to his whims.  

He quickly had me cleaning out plastic potties, providing him with all the food and drink he could ever want, and, to top it all off, he had me performing humiliating tricks for his amusement.  

For awhile, he made me crawling around on my hands and knees barking like a dog.  Apparently, that is hilarious.

The stuff that parents do to please their brats.  Amazing!

Before the boy was born I fully understood that I would have to play with him.  In fact, I was looking forward to it, but I didn't realize then that in 17 months I would be crawling around on my hands and knees barking like a dog.  

I've got to do something quick, or I am going to lose total control of the situation.

Shhhh...my master beckons.  This never happened...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Damn You Elderly Types!

Damn all you elderly Types!

No, I am not talking about random old people.  I am referring to my parents, and if you guys are reading this you know you deserve it.

For some reason, only grandparents have this strange ability to rile the hell out of their grandkids, and my mom and dad are no different, and they know it!

To be honest it is grandma who is the real problem.  She’s a habitual line stepper!  She knows exactly what she is doing and takes pride in the shit that she stirs up.  I know this because I can see the evil smirk on her face while she’s doing it.

Earlier today, my mom and dad stopped by after lunch to play with the little guy.  And, to apparently let grandpa fall asleep on my couch, but that's not important. 

Anyway, while they were here they stayed well into the little man’s afternoon nap time, which isn’t a problem because I like to deviate from his normal schedule every once in a while so he can learn to be flexible.  But, there comes a point when a toddler needs his nap, but grandma wasn’t going to let that happen.

Like I said, she’s a habitual line stepper.

I am sure that she will claim innocence on this, but to that I will call bologna on her.  She knew exactly what she was doing because she’s been through it before.  She has to have.  She’s a mother.  All parents have been through the nap time wars, and some even have the scars to prove it.

So yeah, grandma can claim innocence, but I’m not buying it because magically every time the little man closed his little eyes she would say something to him at that exact moment, which would of course wake his little ass right up, effectively ruining any chance of him falling asleep.

Well, this went on until my mom knew that the little tyke was about ready to throw a complete shit fit.  Then, she just happened to leave in time to miss the throwing of the biggest tantrum ever.

What a coincidence!

I swear to you he turned evil.  His eyebrows shot up through his hair line like a possessed alien’s and his eyes narrowed into little rage filled balls.  Then there was screaming, kicking, toy tossing, floor pounding, more screaming, and eventually he covered me with projectile vomit that you could expect to see in an old horror flick. 

Yep, Da’s little angel has a dark side!

Then just as quickly as he turned into the devil, the little guy switched back to his angelic self. 

What a weirdo!

Anyway, the whole time I was in clean up mode I kept repeating to myself, “Damn those elderlies and there cursed ability to rile up the boy!”

What makes them do it?

They rile him up and then leave just in time to miss the aftermath of their work.  I can just picture them laughing their asses off because their days of dealing with devil children are over.  Now, it is a major source of amusement to rain torment down on poor unsuspecting parents especially if those parents just happen to be the offspring that tormented their lives for so long.

You know what they say.  Payback's a bitch!

Damn you elderly types.    

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

It's Potty Time!!

We had a major break through yesterday.  The little man only had two potty related accidents all day.  I am so proud of him!  This is a big frickin' deal for a 17 month old!

It's a huge deal for his Da too!

Let me tell you something.  There isn't a nicer sound in the world than the sound of baby flatulence reverberating within a plastic froggy potty.  It is utterly musical and magical and anything else good that you can think of.

It's even kind of cute too.  Sometimes he strains so hard to get the peepee and poopoo out that he kicks his feet up in desperation.  I have to giggle a little because it is so darned cute.  I would show you guys, but I kind of decided that pictures of a nudie patootie isn't a great idea, so you will have to just take my word for it.  It's cute!

But, with all that straining, I worry that he is going to give himself hemorrhoids or something.

Okay.  So, I am not really all that worried about it. 

Anyway, I swear that the reason he tries so hard is because my wife and I say things like, "Poor hungry potty" or "Potty's soo hungry and thirsty."  

Of course, potty only eats and drinks little boy peepee and poopoo.  Luckily, we have one of those.  Otherwise, I am afraid that poor potty would starve to death.

I guess the cheese doddles that we give our little guy as payment for his work might have something to do with his trying so god awful hard.

Mmmm...delicious, delicious cheese doodles.

Why do they make you so delicious?!

Anyway, whatever the reason for our recent potty break through I am ecstatic over it.  It will be really nice when we won't have to mess around with diapers anymore, and it's great that the poo's are finally starting to hit the plastic more frequently than the floor or couch or my lap or wherever else the little guy has been to known to squat and take a crap.



P.s. As proof that yesterday wasn't just fluke the little guy left a log in the potty this morning.  I would post a pic of it, but even I have my limits of grossness! 


On second thought...I don't.  Here's a pic for your enjoyment anyway.



Monday, July 18, 2011

Welcome Back 80's! Welcome back Androgyny! We've Missed You??

The first time I went through the stunning decade that was the 80’s I wasn’t really aware of all the weirdness that was going on.  I was just a little one, so I missed all that fun.

Bummer!

Luckily, the 80’s seems to be coming back and I can witness it with all its grandeur this time. 

I can’t wait for hair metal to make a comeback!

Unfortunately, I highly doubt that it will.  With my luck, we’ll have all of the androgyny of the 80’s, but none of the music that I love so well to go with it.    


I guess I'll have to bid hair metal and glam rock a fond fair well as all my hopes for a glorious come back have been dashed.

Oh well.

It seems like every time I turn on the radio my ears are either assaulted with some woman singing some god awful song about who knows what or I’m forced to listen to a boy band or something like that Justin Bieber kid, which is just as bad.  

Well, I have to say, not all of this modern music annoys the crap out of me.  I don’t really mind Enrique Iglesias.  Some of his songs are pretty catchy, and there is always the old timer's like Metallica and Aerosmith and Ozzy who all refuse to die.


It's just too bad that these bands aren't that popular in comparison to the other crap that kids these days like.  

Anyway, all the while I am listening to the crap that is on the radio I see these teenagers walking around town in their “skinny” jeans, heeled boots, shirts that might be labeled as blouses in a high end clothing store, and the sparkling lip balm that it seem like every kid is wearing lately.  Every corner I turn I am amazed by a David Bowie or Axle Rose look like.  The only difference was that in the real 80's these guys were considered "bad."  


Now, when you see a kid dressed like that all you think of is "Poser!"  These kids don't know what they are doing.  They have the look, but they don't have the heart of the 80's.  They've missed the point.  They've nothing to say, which is sad.


I hope that this trend fades quickly.  I am fairly certain that it will because, let's face it, we don't need another decade like the 80's, and it is time for these kids to find their own identities.  I hope that when they do they leave this androgynous look behind because I always get nervous that I am going to refer to one of these kids as the wrong gender and hurt their feelings.


“Why?” you ask. 

Because, I have done it before and I am sure I am going to do it again, and I feel awful about it.  The only thing I can do is train myself to not refer to people in gender specific terms.  That's right.  No more miss, madam, sir, mister, young man, young lady, or anything like that.  


Man it's going to be tough, but based on a recent experience at a grocery store it is the only thing to do.  

You know, I honestly thought that the clerk in the grocery store with the eye liner, skinny jeans, and tee-shirt with a fairy on it was a teen girl.  Apparently, she wasn’t, and he was totally offended when I went up to him and said, “Excuse me.  Miss?  I was wondering if I could purchase 3-4 of the large city trash bags.”

His response, “Dude, I’m a guy.  My name is Jason!” totally threw me off guard.

I felt awful, but he had to know what he was dressed like.  He could have at least had his name tag on his store vest or something.

God, I hope this trend passes before my little man is old enough to jump on board the fashion train.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am going to love him just as much however he chooses to dress, but I don’t want him to feel humiliated when people have to guess what his gender is and sometimes get it wrong because it is so ambiguous, unless that is what he wants of course.  

If that’s the case, that’d be cool I guess.  Let him be who he is.


Friday, July 15, 2011

The Hardest Job You'll Ever Love?

You know, there are a lot of things that people say that really irritate me, like when people say “literally” when they really don’t mean that at all.  That just frustrates the hell out of me.   In order to describe something as literally happening it has to be truthful and unexaggerated.  For instance, in most cases it cannot literally rain cats and dogs unless there are in fact cats and dogs falling from the sky.  Otherwise, it is just raining hard…maybe. 

But, what is even more irritating to me than people who use the word literally incorrectly are the people who like to spout old clichés out, and the worst cliché of them all, in my opinion, is this one.  “Parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever love.”

Come on! 

Do you really believe that?

Can’t you come up with something new to say about parenting?

I mean really.  Sure, being a parent takes some getting used to at first, but is it really “the hardest job you’ll ever love?”

Just thinking like that really bothers me.  First of all, I don’t really think that being someone’s parent should be described as a job.  It is like calling it an obligation that you wish you didn’t have or saying that it is difficult to love your kid. 

That just doesn’t seem right for some reason.  It isn’t an obligation and it shouldn’t be hard for anyone to love their own children.  After all, no one forced/is forcing you to become a parent but you.  If you are not prepared to be a parent, then don’t fornicate irresponsibly. (Yeah, I know that it isn't always that simple, but in the more complicated situations the parents aren't likely to say things like "Parenting is the hardest job you'll ever love" are they?)

Anyway, by the time you are ready to ‘bump uglies’ you should already know that the aftermath of sex sometimes leads to children (and maybe an STD or two also).  This shouldn’t be a hard concept to grasp.  I mean really.  They teach it in elementary school for cryin’ out loud.  So, if you are not prepared to have a little, slave driving, dictator on your hands then you should think twice before insertion happens! 

Another thing that bothers me about this awful phrase is that I have never once heard a woman say such a thing.  It’s always the “fathers” that I hear saying it.  Why is that?  Is it easier for women to be a parent than men?

That’s what it sounds like to me.

Way to make all us dads look bad. 

Thanks a lot!

Who knows why it is only guys that say this about parenting?  Maybe it is like my wife says, “Women start to be a mommy long before men start to be a daddy.”   So, maybe the reason the men that state that “Parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever love” say it is because they feel like they missed out on that extra ten months of connection with their child, which might make it more difficult for them to deal with the rugrat.

I don’t know. 

I personally think that when a father says that “parenting is the hardest job that you’ll ever love,” they really mean that “growing up is hard to do,” which is another terrible cliché.

Yeah, I agree that being an adult emotionally is difficult, so you probably shouldn’t become a parent before you become an adult.   

That makes sense doesn’t it?

Think of all the best parents that you know. 

What do they all have in common? 

They are probably the best people that you know of too, which means they aren’t very childish are they?

Well, of all the parents that I know, they all obviously love their kids, but that isn’t enough.  To be a great mom or dad you also have to be a good person and a more. 

You have to be able to put your children’s needs above your own.  You have to be mature and responsible.  You have to be able to provide your kids with guidance and a decent sense of what is right and wrong.  You have to be caring and considerate of others.  You have to be patient and understanding.  You have to know when to listen and when to speak.  You have to know when to be a friend and when to be a leader.  You have to be childish at times and stern at others….blah blah blah.

You know what?  There is just too much to being a good parent for me to ever write down all of it, but the most important part of being a good parent to me is that you never stop trying to be a better one.

Yeah, that means a little work, but does it really necessitate being called “the hardest job you’ll ever love?”  It is more like a change in who you are or in your way of life than a job isn’t it?



Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Demons...Evil Diaper Demons

Yep, this is a dookie filled post.

I had the opportunity to witness the birth of an extreme diaper demon this morning, and I am not sure if I will ever be the same again.  I just don't think that there is any coming back from that.

Here's a bit of back story because I am sure you want to know what went down in all its glorious details.

My wife and I have been attempting to potty train our toddler for a while now.  We started maybe in December or January by putting him on his own little potty first thing in the morning and letting him go peepee in the potty.  Then, after a while, we put him on the potty other times of the day.

Well, to make a long story short, the boy is progressing little bit by little, so we decided within the last week or so to put him in big boy underoos to help train him to go in the potty because he will be able to feel it more in big boy britches than in diapers. 

Well, it's working brilliantly.  

He understands when he has to go, and he will go in the potty, but the timing is still a bit of an issue, which is what led to this morning's horrific event.

You see, after my wife left for work this morning, I decided that since the little man just went peepee in the potty that I was safe to let him run around in his underoos for a few minutes while I got a cup of coffee.

Surely, he wouldn't have to go again in the 2-3 minutes it took me to get a cup of coffee right?

Wrong!

Apparently, coffee was a bad idea right then.

As soon as I got to the coffee maker and started pouring myself a cup of sweet sweet caffeine I heard this adorable little "Uh oh!" from behind me.  

As I turned to see what was going on I immediately noticed that the little man was standing frightfully still, and his tiny baby bottom was growing larger at phenomenal rate.  

Well, I decided that there was nothing that could be done but to wait for the diaper demon to be released from its imprisonment from deep within my son's bowels.

Boy, was it disturbing waiting and watching as a mammoth sized dookie filled my sons big boy britches!

By the time he was all finished up the demon had grown to roughly the size of his own head.  Seriously Gross!  

I swear this dookie weighed in at 3 pounds or more, which is a lot considering it came out of a less than 30 pound kid.  Think of that.  He just crapped out more than 10% of his total weight.

Anyway, after he finished up, my son decided that he didn't want to wait for me to walk the whole 10 feet to get to him so he could get cleaned up "professionally."  Nope, my baby boy decided that his big boy britches had to come right off then and there.  

There would be no waiting.

Those stinky britches had to come off now!

So, the little man shimmied out of his gigantic log filled big boy undies and ran off.  Normally, this wouldn't have been a problem, but some how he hadn't managed to get one of his feet completely out of the leg hole of his britches.  

Yeah...he dragged his pooped filled underwear all over the house before I finally managed to catch him.

Awesome! 

Luckily, it was easy to track him down.  All I had to do was follow the brown line.  Ok. So it wasn't that bad.

Fortunately, his demon friend was a pleasantly firm one.  It rolled instead of streaked.  Easy peasy clean up, but boy did it stink!

No matter how much you expect the diaper demons to get bigger and stinkier as your kid ages you always get surprised by them when they do.  

This one was totally bonkers!  

The only way I can describe it is that it was certainly a high quality poop huge, brown, firm, and stinky as hell.  In other words, it was everything that a proper diaper demon should be and more.

The and more part is in reference to its lingering fragrance.

Even though, it was vanquished by our valiant toilet more than 2 and a half hours ago you can still smell its foul stench all through out the house.

I believe it is time to get the white vinegar and baking soda out in preparation for yet another battle against a diaper demon's stink.  

Febreze just isn't going to cut it this time.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

You're Just Like Your Mother!

Well, it is god awful early in the morning, and I caught myself watching the same old movie with my son that we have watched together almost every morning of his life.  What the movie is isn't important.  The fact that the little man is asleep, and I am still watching the movie is what is important.

The fact of the matter is that I am too lazy to get up and grab the remote, and the laptop was in easy reach so I thought I would play a little face book poker.

Anyway, as I waited for the laptop to fire up I drank my oatmeal and coffee and watched the dreadful kids movie I now I hate. 


Yeah, that's right.  I do drink my oat meal because I hate it, but it is supposed to be healthy for me so I usually throw it in with my coffee.  It's the only way I can get it down most mornings.  Think of it as Two birds one cup.


Well, soon, the laptop was ready, but I didn't realize it because I was enthralled by the movie and wondering what was going to happen.

I am so stupid.

I have watched this movie at least 100 times in the past year. I know what is going to happen.  I know how it ends, yet somehow I either forgot that I had seen it before at that moment or I thought that it was magically going to be different this time.  Either way, I was watching it again wondering what was going to happen next.

When my brain decided to wake up I realized how foolish I was being.  I couldn't believe I was watching the same movie  again when I didn't have to be waiting to see what happens.  


Then I realized that I know someone else who does this too.

MY MOM!

When it comes to watching movies I'm just like her.  I'm terrible.

My mom is the type of person that I swear truly enjoys ruining the movie for other people.  She'll either talk your ear off during all the really crucially exciting parts or she'll give you a blow by blow through the entire flick so there is never any surprises.

Sure you can ask her not to tell  you what happens, and she will try, but she can't help herself.  It's just a matter of time before she tells you how it is going to end.  


She's constantly doing that, but at the same time she can sit and watch a movie with you that she has seen and has already told you what is going to happen and still be surprised when it does!


How weird is that?


I shouldn't say anything because I am the same way apparently.  


I have caught myself saying things like, "Don't worry that jerk will drown in about fifteen minutes." or "They make it seem like this guy is going to do something, but he never does. All he does is mope around for the next 45 minutes then it's over."


Then, like my ma, I get all surprised when whatever I have said will happen actually occurs like when I was watching Major League 2 with one of my friends.  I told him, "Don't worry Charlie Sheen is going to come out wearing his old plastic glasses with the skull on them and strike out his nemesis and they win the game.  It'll be ok.  I've seen this before."


What a jerk thing to do right?


Well, even though I saw the movie and told my buddy how it was going to end, I got surprised when it happened, and he laughed his ass off at me the same way I laugh at my mom when she does the same thing to me.


So yeah, I guess you could say that I am just like my mother.