Friday, August 3, 2012

My Dogs/Pets are like my Kids...Yeah Right!

The muttlings before they turned all old and stuff
I have heard multiple people claim that their pets, especially dogs, are like their kids.  This makes me smirk a little because I used to think this too.  

Then I had kids, and now I know how different it really is.

My dogs are nothing like my kids, and they never were.

For one thing, the dogs are much much easier.  Plus, they are cheaper too.

A LOT cheaper!

And, those damn dogs are pretty hard to love at times.

This photo is about a year old.  The Pizzmeister with his
favorite doggy Zane, the trouble maker.
Now, don't get me wrong.  It's not like I don't love my dogs.  I just don't love them anywhere near as much as my kids.  

Sure, both my kids and my dogs are stinky and gross and a huge pain in the ass at times, but if forced to choose between the bastard dogs and the bratty kids?

I would choose the bratty kids every time with out fail.

No, my dogs aren't like my kids at all.

Here's why:

My dogs are not like my kids because

1.) I can leave my two year old dog home alone locked up safely in a crate while I go out running errands and consider  it being responsible.

You can't do that with a  toddler because, for some reason, it's abusive.  

No, you have to bring a two year old human everywhere with you or get a competent adult to sit with them while you are out and about.  Most often, this costs money.


2.) My dog doesn't need a car seat or a booster seat or even a seat belt.

I can drive the mutts around and not even buckle them in and not think anything of it.

I know.  I'm terrible right?

Would I do that with my kids?

Hell no!

First of all, it is extremely dangerous to do so, and, secondly, it would be illegal.  People have lost their kids for doing that, and rightly so.

I shudder to think of what would happen to my poor babies should I get into an accident without them seated up and buckled in tightly.

3.) My dogs don't watch television

Yeah, that means no Barney, no Baby Einstein, no Bob the Builder,  no Thomas and Friends, and no Mighty Machines was ever watched repeatedly when it was just the dogs and no kids in this house.  

We were a lot saner then!

We could watch anything we wanted with out fear of scarring the dogs for life, and if it did,  who cared? 

But, now that there are kids running around?

I can't watch anything even remotely grown up because I either can't get my hands on the remote, which the Pizzmeister has figured out how to run somehow, or everything thing that even sounds remotely interesting to me either has swearing in it or violence or something questionable.

I don't want to be the dad who has that kid who swears like a sailor.  

I also don't want to stay up all night rocking my kid back to sleep because he's having nightmares about things he's seen on the tele.

4.) My dogs will never go to college, drive a car, need school books, desire fashionable clothes, get married, beg to go to Disney Land, or even want any of that kind of stuff.  

Even if they did, I'd never know.  It's not like they can tell me.

Plus, I wouldn't care if the dogs did want any of that.  It's never going to happen.

Why not?

Because they're dogs that's why!  They'll do classic doggy things and be grateful for it.

Poor dogs...just be thankful that I take you to the park every once in awhile.

That can end at any point in time...

5.)  I frequently refer to my dogs as those "Goddamn dogs!"   and secretly fantasize about the day I don't have to deal with them anymore, using that as my happy thought when they've been particularly naughty, and I never feel guilty about it.

I could never think anything like that about my kids!

I even cry when I think about them going to pre-school because it will mean that they are growing up and will soon not need me as much!

Great!  Now, I am thinking about it again and getting all teary eyed.

6.) If everything goes as planned, when the dogs are long dead and gone my kids will still be thriving and growing and learning and becoming the wonderful people I know they will be. 

And, just think, someday when I am old and senile they will have the opportunity to pick out which home I go to.

So, I guess I better play my cards right.  I don't want to end up in the dog house.

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