Thursday, August 16, 2012

Epic Dad Fail # 1,000,000: The Poopy Race!

Okay, here's the deal.  The Pizzmeister has been using the potty consistently for about a year now, but the kicker is he has to be all necked to do it.

Otherwise, he'll never tell us he has to go.

We've been making some real head way the last couple of months with getting the little brat to tell us when he has to go when he's wearing dipes or underwear, but we are still working on getting   that elusive poopy in the potty.

So, we've tried doing two things, one of which seems to work, and the other was just a plain old bad idea.

First, the good idea.

Bribery.  Every time the boy sits and lets a stink demon off in the potty he gets a "special" toy dubbed "a special poopy in the potty toy."  

Yeah, I know.  I'm creative with names.

Anyway, this tactic seems to get him trying more often with some moderate success.

Eventually, I am sure it will lead to a major break through, but I am not going to push the issue too much. We don't want to stress the poor little bugger out and have him clam all up now do we? 

No, it would probably be no fun having a kid that refuses to take a crap...ever again. So, no.  Let's not put too much pressure on the boy.

Now, for the epic fail idea, which I warn you is kind of gross.  

I decided to have a poopy in the potty race with the Pizzmeister.

Yeah...not sure what I was thinking either.

The other night I asked him if he wanted to try to take a crap on the potty before we put his night night diaper on, and he said "Yes."

So, to make it more fun, and because I had to drop a deuce too, I decided it might be a good idea to have a race with the little mighty mite.  We dragged his little froggy potty into the crapper, I helped him get on it, and then I hopped onto the old porcelain throne myself.

Here's where it all went South fast.

Immediately after we started this crap race I realized that I probably wouldn't be able to perform because it is just weird to be looking someone, even a little little someone, in the eye while you're crapping.  

But, I decided to try and muscle through it, and if I couldn't go so what?  It would be a confidence booster for the boy.

Anyway, here I was face to face with a very determined toddler, who was letting out some mighty toots, trying to see who could take a dump the fastest, and I was all puckered up and just realizing how absurd the situation was.

So, I started giggling, which seemed to offend poor Pizzly, who looked at me and said, "I'm trying really hard daddy!"

I replied, "I know buddy.  How is it going?  Did you poopy yet?"

"No!" Was his answer.

Well, since he isn't a quitter, Pizzly sat there for a half hour trying and straining to go poopy in the potty, and by that time my legs were asleep and all tingly from sitting there.

I was about to call the race a draw, but before I could stand up...let's just say I won the race.  

That just sounds so much more pleasant than announcing I passed the largest turd of my life.

Well, after we flushed our potties and washed our hands, I noticed that the Pizzmeister was a little too quiet, so I knelt down to ask him if he was ok.

That's when I noticed that he was a little teary.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Daddy gets a special toy and I not." He responded.

My heart was breaking as I hugged him and told him that I didn't need a special toy because I already had a very special boy that I loved very much. 

Then he looked at me and said, "I'm so sad daddy! I tried really hard!"

I felt so bad for the poor little guy.  Here I was trying to make something fun and to build up his confidence, and I ended up making him feel like a failure.  What a terrible dad I am!

It just breaks my heart that I am the reason why my little mighty mite felt so lousy.  

This just goes to show that somethings just shouldn't be turned into a competition, and that trying to force someone into running before they are barely walking usually ends up in a whole lot of bruises and hurt feelings.

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