Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Winos, Nudies, and Teens

The last few weeks of decent weather has gotten me thinking.  Well, not so much as thinking.  It's more like preparing for the inevitable.

I make it sound like I am dreading the warmer weather right?

Well, I am...kind of

Yes, I think summer is nice and all, but it does have its down sides, like the wino moms who show up at the park, scantily clad people (men and women), and teenage vagrants. 

Of the three I am not sure which is the most annoying....Oh, who am I kidding.  It's the teens.  It is always going to be the teens who are the most annoying, and that's probably because they mistake stupidity for "coolness."

Don't get me wrong.  The Winos and Nudies are pretty bad too, but nothing like the teens.

Wino Moms at the Park:

The Wino moms at the park are fairly quiet and generally are harmless, like house flies.  You'd love to bat them away some times, but over all they are easy to ignore.

If it wasn't for the fact that they ignored their kids, and were extremely judgmental they wouldn't be an annoyance at all. 

But, even then they aren't that bad and only mildly aggravating. I mean, after all, they are the moms who sit in lawn chairs under beach umbrellas wearing gigantic straw sun hats and sipping wine that comes out of a box while they are supposedly watching their children at play in the trashy park that Pizzly and I frequent.

Who is going to take their ridicule seriously?

Not me.

They can go ahead and laugh at me while I play with my kid.  I am having a good time and so is he, and, chances are, before too long their kids will start playing with us too if their wino moms allow them to.  

So, while they are getting ready to lounge in the sun and ignore their kids I am preparing to become the raddest dad ever, which means I need to step up my exercise routine.  The boy is bigger, faster, stronger, and he has more stamina this year.  That means I have to step up my game a little or I'll be left behind.


In comparison to the Wino Moms, the nudies are barely more of an annoyance.  To go with the insect analogy, they would be mosquitoes because they are everywhere, yet still relatively harmless even if they do make you itchy.

Soon, you won't be able to walk down the street without seeing a shirtless guy walking around or a woman walking around in a skirt or shorts short enough that her butt cheeks are exposed.  Maybe it is because I am getting older or something, but this does bother me a little.

Firstly, it's not that I care exactly.  I just worry about their health.  Skin cancer isn't anything to muck about with.  So, if these people are going to walk about half necked, then I hope they are wearing ample amounts of sun block, which I am sure they aren't judging by the fact that  they already look like leather muppets.

Secondly, I lied I do care.  Nobody want's to see that!  So, unless you are swimming half necked, put some clothes on...please. 

Yes, I may be a bit prudish.  I admit that. I also admit that I am a bit catty, so if you are going to put your bodies on display by being half necked be prepared to hear some one like me telling my spouse some thing like "Oh dear!  Would you look at that!  Some body obviously wrongly thinks that they're the 'Hotness'."

While these nudies are looking forward to baking like turkeys in the sun and shamelessly displaying their bodies I am going to be out shopping for sunscreen.  The higher the number the better.  I am hoping to score some liquid cotton, spf 80 or more.  

I'll also be wearing my winter parka and snow pants to make sure I am completely covered.  Wouldn't want to accidentally flash an ankle at any one.  Oh the horror of it!

Vagrant teens:

These "people" are the most foul annoyance of summer.  As insects they'd be Japanese beetles or a plague of locusts or something.

Sure, as singles they are just fine...almost, but they are never seen alone.  They are always in herds and doing the most asinine things imaginable.  

It is like some sort of absurd mating ritual where the stupidest thing you can imagine doing is what attracts a mate.  Pretty soon, after the stupid act is done with, the teens will pair up and let their hormones take over their brains.  

I am sure you all know what happens next.

They breed and end up on 16 and pregnant, or worse.  Jersey Shore!

However, just being stupid isn't enough for me to call them a plague on our existence.  Teens are also incapable of thinking of anyone but themselves, and this makes them destructive.  

They'll spray paint the park, leave their trash where ever they get done with it even if a trash can is only a step away, they'll wrap the swings around the top post of the swing set so no little kids can use the swing until some one climbs up and untangles the swing so they can reach it, they'll destroy pretty much anything that can be destroyed just for the hell of it, and the worst thing of all that they do is teach littler kids that this is appropriate behavior.

It sickens me.

No, I know that not all teens do these things.  Some of them aren't foul in the least, and are really good people.  It's the vagrant, loitering teens that cause the problems. It's the ones that have nothing better to do with their lives then act stupid and be destructive to other people's property I hate so much.

So, while these teens are getting ready to be stupider and more destructive than usual, I am charging up my cattle prod and getting ready to herd them away from civilization until September rolls around again.

1 comment:

  1. Just wait until it's your kid that's the vagrant teen. You'll probably still love him, but hate him at the same time while being completely embarrassed by him too. Some of the stunts mine pulls just makes me shudder,