Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Damn You Wetopia!!! Damn you Ellen Degeneres!

Mama Bear informed me that lately my blog has been suffering.  "It is like you don't even care anymore" she said to me. And, apparently, my housekeeping is even worse than usual too.

So, what's the problem?

It's that damn addictive Wetopia on Face Book, and that damned enabling scamp Ellen Degeneres who blatantly encourages her viewers, like me that worship her even though I don't watch her show that often because I am too poor to afford cable, to waste every waking moment building my Wetopia up at the expense of my "real"  life and blog. (She doesn't really encourage us all to spend all of our time playing this stupid game, but people like me can't do anything in moderation)

Did you notice I put the real in my "real" life in quotations?  Yeah.  That is a sure sign that I am having a problems distinguishing reality from Wetopia now.  I keep wondering why my pumpkins in my garden at home don't grow in just 48 hours and why can't I convert them into supplies that shoe stores and libraries need too?

It is all so confusing and frustrating! 

Why are my pumpkins all stupid and pumpkinny?!

Oh yeah, no, I am not ignoring Pizzly in order to play Wetopia, but there are times that I want to!  Oh man are there times that I want to!  Especially when all he seems to want to do is beat the crap out of me all day.

Maybe that's his way of telling me that I am shirking my duties as a house husband and father?  

Hmmm...that may be.

But, like so many others, I am going to blame my faults on something else.  I am going to blame my crappy parenting and crappier than usual housekeeping on an addiction to this Wetopia.

When I say I am addicted to it, I mean that I actually may have a problem!

It used to be that when the boy went down for his nap I would do something useful, like the dishes or vacuum.  

Now, however, I find myself laying next time with a laptop on my chest playing Wetopia for four hours until he wakes up, and by then I have a headache from staring at a computer screen from 5 inches away!

Why so close?

I guess I am afraid I am going to miss something.

But, that's not the worst thing.  

The worst thing I do is sneak off in the middle of the night just so I can hide my Wetopia habit from my wife.  I even erase my internet history, like a guy who doesn't want to get caught watching porn, so Mama Bear won't know I have been spending so much time with my secret Wetopian "family."

Oh man!  That's so sick!

I keep telling myself that I am not being selfish.  Wetopia does good around the world while you play.  For realz!  

Supposedly, as you play and level up your Wetopia the game creators will send food and much needed supplies to help feed and educate kids all over the world, so I lie and tell myself that's why I play it.

However, we all know that that's not the case!  

I play Wetopia because I like it and think it's fun, and, now, I find myself unable to stop playing it.  It's like I am brainwashed.  

Even my sense of time is disrupted by it.  

I can't remember when my doctor's appointments are, but I sure as hell remember when my Wetopia crops are ready to be harvested, and god help you if you are in the way when they are.

So again, I say "DAMN YOU WETOPIA!!!! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!" and I also say, "DAMN YOU ELLEN DEGENERES YOU ENABLING SCALLYWOG!!!  STOP PUSHING THE WETOPIA!  CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S LIKE CRACK TO ME?!"


P.s.  Please don't tell Ellen that I am blaming her for my Wetopia habit.  She seems nice and I wouldn't want her to feel bad.  

P.P.s.  Why the hell would she give a crap anyway?!  

2 comments:

  1. I have no idea what Wetopia is, and I don't watch TV, so haven't seen it on Ellen. But I have to say. Scallywag just isn't a word we hear enough of, you know? Let's bring it back. You told her! :D

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    1. Oh dear oh dear. You poor thing. You don't know what you are missing. Wetopia is a facebook game where you build a little town and grow crops and what not. It is cheerfully addicting. You should try it!

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