Wednesday, February 8, 2012

You Don't Look Like a "Big, Chubby Blueberry!"

Ever since Mama Bear has gotten preggers for the second time, she has been a little occupied and insecure about her looks.  And, nothing that I say to her will assuage away her thorough disgust in herself.  I guess she thinks she looks gross or whatever, but it just isn't true.  She's total eye candy!

But, she won't listen to me.

All I know is that despite what she says.  She doesn't look like a "big, chubby blueberry"  in her new maternity dress she ordered.  

Au contraire!  She looks damn hot in it, but what does my opinion matter?

I'm just dum old hubby!

Boy she can be exasperating!

Anyway, after this morning's fluttering about as to what she will wear to work and feel good in I decided the boy and I needed to go and blow off some steam.

So, we went to feed the ducks at our neighborhood water works.

That was a fun time.  

Then Pizzly decided that he was hungry and started to eat the stale old bread and strawberry ends that were supposed to go to the deer and ducks, so I decided that since he was so good we would meander out to McDonald's for a special treat.

We got there, and the only thing I can say is...AWKWARD!

It was like there was a convention of big people going on or something.  The place was packed, and I was the smallest adult there!  

Honestly, compared to everyone else I looked positively svelte.

Needless to say, I am not used to that as I am fairly large and in charge myself!  Well, more than fairly.  I just am large and in charge, which is my way of saying I'm a total fatty!

Anyway, as the boy and I wear waiting for our pancakes and coffee(he had apple juice not coffee) I noticed something else that was strange.  Not only did I look dwarfed next to the adults in line around me, but some of the kiddos were bigger than me too.  

I swear there was a kid there that must have weighed 500 pounds and he said he was only 13!

To be honest he didn't look quite that heavy, but only because he was like 7 feet tall.  And, the smart ass patted my head like I was a toddler when I asked him why no school today.

He was a home schooler and apparently a trip to McDonald's was a cultural awareness event!

Ok. Whatever I guess.

Well, after we pigged out at McDonald's we decided that we needed some exercise and mental stimulation because not only were the other patrons slightly bigger than average they were also slightly more daft than average too, so we headed out to the science center to get our brain and game on.

Then the most embarrassing thing of all happened!

Pizzly decided to show off his "sharing" skills!

No, that isn't so bad, but how he decided to show them off is.

Apparently, he decided to sprint as fast as his little legs could carry him to the cafeteria.  Soon enough he started milling around a table where a mother was doling out food to her little ones. 

She spied Pizzly and thought he was hungry, so before I knew it.  The boy had a tray full of food in his hands and his very own spot at this family's table

I tried repeatedly to tell this lady that Pizzly wasn't in fact hungry, as he just ate like a piggy, but she wasn't having any of it, so we sat down and the boy had his second lunch in a half hour time span.

Here I thought the large and in charge convention at McDonald's was awkward!  Now, I was stuck sitting at a table with complete strangers with Pizzly eating up all of their food!  

Well, he actually didn't eat any of it.  He was too busy "sharing" with the other kiddies, and by sharing I mean he was forcing food on them like an Italian grandmother.  

There no choices or opportunities to say no.  He just handed each kid a cookie and slice of apple and said "Mmmm...It's good!"

Then he got up and gave the lady who gave him the food back the half of sandwich she gave him and proceeded to give her the biggest, sloppiest toddler kiss in the history of mankind!

That's when I knew that the kids with her were in fact hers because she didn't even flinch!  

Only a mother could except such a kiss without being thoroughly grossed out!

It was like a train wreck!  I wanted to look away, but it was so horrible I couldn't tear my eyes away!

I'm just glad this nice lady was such a good sport, but she'd kind of have to be.  She had 5 kids with her and they all were under 4 years old.  If that doesn't beat the uptight out of you, then I don't know what will.

Anyway, soon enough, our time with our new friends was up, and Pizzly and I were headed home exhausted and with me wondering how funny it is that all this happened because Mama Bear was insecure this morning and thought she looked like a "Big, Chubby Blueberry!"

It's the butterfly effect I'm telling you.  If Mama Bear hadn't been so exasperating, then the boy and I wouldn't have gone to see the ducks, which means no McDonald's, which means no science center, which means no embarrassing meal time with some rad new friends!

Its funny how things work out!  I am going to have to thank Mama Bear for starting out such an interesting day.


  1. Never forget that you deflected the "does this make me look pregnant or fat?" questions, which is a surefire way to make me insecure. But I love you anyway and I'm glad you had such a fun day.