Recently, Mama Bear and I have been reading those pregnancy self-help books and having quite a laugh. well, at least I have been having a laugh about it.
It just seems like the authors of these types of book put in some of the most asinine stuff, and they all assume that those who read such books have the intelligence of which rivals that of an old smelly tennis shoe.
But, what I find most amusing about these books are all the little "useful" tips that they throw in there for the dads to be. Some of these tips are borderline offensive, and left me thinking that a guy would have to be a real self-centered D-Bag to not know this crap already. Then I wondered....
...Am I a douche bag dad to be?
I don't know, but I am assuming I am because I am questioning it.
But, let's find out!
I have devised a simple little quiz to help me, and you can use it too.
How are you most likely to respond to the following? (Yes, I know that there are bound to be some responses that don't fit you at all, but just do your best.)
1.) It's been a long day. Both you and the mother of your unborn child are exhausted, and the house is trashed. Do you...
a.) Get up off your butt and clean up so she doesn't have to because you know that a messy house drives her nuts
b.) pretend that you don't notice the mess so she won't ask you to pick up. After all, it's not like you care if the house is untidy.
c.) turn to her and tell her "jokingly" that the house isn't going to clean itself.
2.) A few of your "Boys" want to go out for a weekend of golf and ask you to come along. The your pregnant wife tells you to go and have fun. You...
a.) decide not to go anyway because you need to save your money so you can spend it on toys for the baby later.
b.) Go but feel guilty about it the whole time and come home early with a gift for her.
c.) head out the door so fast she doesn't even have a chance to finish her sentence. Yay for weekend with the "boys!"
3.) So far your wife/girlfriend/f-buddy/whatever she is to you has had a ton of doctors appointments, and you have an open invitation to attend each one. You...
a.) have attended as many as you could and actively pay attention to what the midwife/doctor says because you want to know what's going on.
b.) have never missed an important appointment, but, unfortunately, cannot attend these visits as frequently as you would like to.
c.) went to the appointment where you learned the baby's sex. Other than that you haven't gone, and really didn't even know that there were more than just the one appointment that she had to go to.
4.) It's time to put the car seat in. You...
a.) struggle through the irritation of assembly and installation of the damn thing with out any major mishaps or temper tantrums. Then make an appointment to have a professional double check your work.
b.) give it the good ole' college try, but soon find yourself in the middle of having a bat crap crazy tantrum. The mother decides to finish installing the baby seat for you, but can't quite get it either. In the end you work together and get it figured out.
c.) manage to get the car seat in the car with no problem whatsoever, and don't think to have it checked because you know it's right dammit!
5.) Your wife said that she feels fat, bloated and gross! You...
a.) tell her that despite how she feels she is still wicked hot while giving her a back rub.
b.) giggle and tease her for a while about it. Then tell her she's a beautiful preggo and try to get into her pants.
c.) agree and suggest that she excerisize with you, and at her next doctor's visit ask her doctor to suggest some excersizes that you two can do together.
6.) You and your spouse just found out that she is expecting and want to celebrate. You...
a.) take her to her favorite restaurant, and then let her call the shots for the rest of the day even if that means an extended shopping trip. Yuck!
b.) decide to go out to a "nice" restaurant, brag to the serving people about how you are going to be a daddy, and then order a bottle of wine, which she can't drink because she's all preggers, so you drink it all.
c.) make her a cake and then go out and rent the movie "P.S. I Love you" and laugh at her as she sobs hysterically through out the entire movie.
7.) Your newly pregnant wife is trying on clothes and asks you if a certain outfit makes her look pregnant or just fat. You...
a.) evade the question like you would the plague because you realize that it's a trap and there is no right answer. Run!
b.) come up with a third option and tell her that she looks great and hope she doesn't press the issue.
c.) fall for the trap and tell her one of three things. 1-it's too early for her to be showing. 2-she definitely looks preggers. 3-you tell her that she looks a bit chubby, so her secret is safe thus far.
8.) It's the first time you're going with your wife to an OB's appointment after finding out she's pregnant. While there you...
a.) are nervously excited, but try your darnedest to pay attention and not make a fool of yourself.
b.) pretend that you didn't know she was pregnant, and exclaim "What?! I thought you was just getting fat baby cakes!"
c.) spend most of your time texting.
9.) It's time for birthing class! You...
a.) are disappointed by the lack of refreshments that were promised you. Then do your best to pay attention because you never know when there might be something new to learn.
b.) are there with a note pad and plenty of pencils, but then realize that it isn't that kind of class. Then you look around and wonder how many of the people attending the class are older than 14 and if they can read or not.
c.) show up thinking that it will be a waste of time and then leave during the first "potty" break.
10.) YOUR WIFE'S IN LABOR!!! While at the hospital you...
a.) run and get ice chips for her and do everything you can to make her comfortable, including mimicking the LeMaze breathing in her face, which causes her to try and kill you.
b.) you hold her hair back while she pukes, but other than that you sit in the recliner in the room and watch the olympics chanting "U.S.A!!! U.S.A!!! U.S.A!!!" Then you politely ask the nurse if she could do something to quiet down the lady across the hall because you are trying to watch hockey.
c.) assure your wife that it can't be that bad, and then urge her to hurry up because you are tired!
Ok. That's the quiz.
Here's how to see how you did.
All the A's are worth 1 point, all the B's are worth two points, and all the C's are worth 3 points.
Add up all your scores!
(0-14) = Not even slightly Douchey
Yay! Congrats! Now add five points to this score because we are all at least a little douchey at some point during our partners pregnancy, but don't sweat it. As men we can try to be as understanding as possible, but we can never fully understand now can we? And, even when we have the best intentions in the world we are going to come across as a little douchey now and again to her.
(15-24) = You have D-baggish Tendencies!
Way to go. You aren't a total D-bag Dad to be, but you are definitely aspiring to be one. And, you are in good company! Just remember, there is nothing wrong with coming across as a D-Bag every once in a while, but if you are worried about becoming a total D-Bag Dad permanently keep repeating this in your head. "The world does not revolve around me! I am not the most important here! MY KIDS ARE!!!"
(25-30) = You my friend are a total D-Bag Dad to be!
Good for you! Way to embrace your inner D-Bag!
Perhaps you ought to tone it down a bit. While being self-centered is ok some of the time, it definitely is tiresome for those around you when that some of the time becomes all of the time. And, think of what kind of messages you are sending your kid when you act certain ways. Work on it, if not for you do it for your children.