Monday, December 12, 2011

Santa, That Lecherous Bastard!!!

Well, Santa responded to the letter I sent him.  Actually, he did more than reply.  He actually paid us a visit!

By us, I mean he visited Pizzly and his friends at a party while I was at home enjoying the first luxuriously alone shower I have had in a long time!  

Boy, was I chagrined when I showed up at the party to the realization that I had missed the big man in red by a matter of minutes!

How depressing!  I had so much I wanted to ask him!

Then, after looking about, I realized that Santa brought his A-game that day.

He brought a crap load of loot for the kiddos!

I mean there were toys everywhere!  

He brought all the kids hard hats, he gave them play-do, books, recorders, and, to top it all off, he gave all the little rugrats guitars too.  And that's just the stuff I can think of off the top of my head!

Oh!  And, of course, he had to ply them all with sugary goodness too.

Thanks Jerkwad!

Immediately, I was annoyed because how the hell was I going to be able to compete with that?

What a jerky thing to do!  Now, I have to try thrice as hard to out do that big bastard!

This is shaping up to be a contest that I will never be able to win.

Then, just as I was getting over that, my friend pulled me over to the side to tell me something.

Something I needed to hear...

Where do you think Santa's Hand was?
Apparently, Santa, that shameless home wrecker, was putting the moves on my wife the entire time he was there.  

My friend told me he was kissing on her and groping her and he even had photographic evidence of it.

Yeah, to the casual observer it looks like Santa innocently has his hand around my wife's shoulder, but if you look a little closer it appears as if Santa had had a handful of her bottom  and was slyly moving his hand back to a more "appropriate" position.  

What is more bothersome than that is, by the looks of it, Mama Bear was rather enjoying the attention!

Not cool Santa!

Not Cool!

You know, I thought she looked a little sheepish when I got there.

Now, I know why!  She was all caught up in the Claus!

She couldn't help it of course.  Santa's a sexy sexy man!

Lucky for me, the only thing that stopped Mama Bear from running off with that lecherous bastard was the fact that Pizzly wanted nothing to do with him.  

Good man!

Take that B!  You may be able to dazzle my wife, but you'll never get to my son!

Who's the man now?! 

Yeah, that's right!  Run on back to the pole and put the moves on your own wife.  Leave mine alone!

It's Christmas for junk's sake!

P.s. I just wanted to thank you to our all our friends at the party.  Pizzly had a great time!  In fact, he had too much fun because he could barely sleep that night for being so excited! 


  1. And thanks right back at you guys! That was a party we won't forget...even if the boys do. Our little one's love for Santa was truly priceless. It's too bad you had to miss that too ;-)

  2. Oh man I was so Disappointed! :) But, I am even a little more disappointed in the crazy spelling and grammatical errors I am noticing in my post. Oh well. I am too lazy to fix them. Again thanx for hosting such a great party! And thanx for taking photos for us since Mama Bear had to go and forget to bring the camera.

  3. Santa, the dirty bastard! :-)

    - tork