Yeah, I know what you are thinking.
I'm thinking it too!
Why the hell is there a tampon shoved up my nose?
Well, the answer to that is simple. Parenting is hazardous!
Last night while playing with my son I got a nose bleed as a result of a vicious toddler attack, and it lasted for a few minutes, maybe 20-30. The bleed lasted that long not the attack. The attack was a brief head butt or knee slam. It took only a second or so.
Anyway, in a last ditch effort to stop the bleeding before going to get it cauterized, my darling wife tossed this tampon at me and told me to shove it up there.
Well, it did the trick, but let me tell these tampon things aren't at all comfortable to have shoved up your nose.
First of all, they are misleading! They look all benign and soft, but, in reality, they are like little bullet shaped rocks. Then, as if that isn't bad enough some joker designed them so they would expand!
My nasal cavity is still stretched out from it and it has been hours since I used the thing. And, getting it out was a trick too, I'll tell you what.
I wrongly thought that if I just firmly tugged on the little string that they come with, you know kind of like tugging on the pull string of a lawn mower, that it would come right out.
All that did was leave me with a string-less tampon in my nose that seemingly was digging deeper and deeper towards my brain every second. I was getting nervous and thought that I would eventually have to get the long nose pliers out to extract the unmerciful, white bullet from my nose before my nose exploded, but, luckily, it didn't come to that. I just had to use my fingers instead.
Who would have guessed?
Anyway, the tampon did the trick even if it did expand to three times its original size and was uncomfortable as all hell.
You know, I never would have guessed that being a dad would eventually mean having a tampon shoved up my nose.
This parenting thing really is hazardous!