Thursday, July 7, 2011

Parent's Aren't Right and Neither are Their Kids

Well, I have reached a new all-time low for filthiness.  I have decided to finish my cup of coffee before I change out of my piss soaked clothes. 

No, I didn’t piss myself.  My baby boy pissed all over me while watching Megamind this morning, and I am just too lazy to change my clothes right now, so I am going to finish my coffee first. 

Hey, Don’t Judge Me! 

It isn’t like the boy needs to be changed and I am neglecting him. He’s already necked because we are working on potty training, and I already wiped him down after he pee’d.  He’s fine and perfectly clean. 

It’s just me that is piss covered, which is a chance you take as a parent when you are trying to potty train the little one.  So far, he has been peeing in the potty first thing when he wakes up fairly faithfully every morning since around December, but anytime other than first thing in the morning is up for grabs because he just doesn’t want to sit still long enough to relieve himself unless he is sitting on my shoulders or lap apparently.  This morning he was sitting on my shoulders when he decided to tinkle.

Oh well…That’s just how it goes.  When I finish my coffee I’ll change out of my shirt and shorts.  It’s not like I am going anywhere right now anyway.

You know, it is mornings like this that I realize that parents just aren’t normal people.  Something happens to them the moment their kid pops out that changes them from normal everyday people who seem pretty clean to people that you could maybe mistake for being homeless and a little insane.  I have seen mothers taste check random brown substances on their kids to see if it was chocolate or poo (thankfully, it’s always chocolate), I have seen people (namely me) go to work with baby vom all over them and not even know it, I have watched exasperated parents have complete conversations with themselves in the supermarket because their kid ran off somewhere when they weren’t looking, and now you know of at least one dad who doesn’t even care enough to change out of a urine soaked tee shirt before he finishes his morning cup of coffee.  This all has to be proof that parents aren’t normal.

But, how can they be?

Little kids are nuts, and I am positive that that insanity rubs off. 

My son reprimands his shadows, and I swear he thinks that they are talking back to him.  He also yells at my wife and I, and then laughs like he’s telling a joke that only he understands.  To be fair, more than half of the time I have no idea what he is saying anyway, so it is only natural that he is the only one that understands the joke.  Usually, after he is finished reprimanding me and laughing at me he runs around in a circle until he falls down dizzy. 

No one who isn’t crazy acts like this.

What really makes me question his sanity is the fact that my baby boy has no self-preservation reflex whatsoever.  He’s completely fearless, which scares the crap out of me!  He’ll try to climb up anything that is taller than him and then jump off of it if I am not quick enough to stop him, he’s ridden the poor dog around the house, he’ll run and dive onto the couch and bounce off and land on whatever happens to be on the floor, he’ll crawl under his train table and get mad when he can’t stand up, but he’ll try over and over again anyway hitting his little head each and every time, and the worst thing that he does that makes me believe he is nuts is dive into his diaper pail and pull out all of his dirty diapers and runs around with them. 

Come on Now!  Who does that?!

There is just no telling what he is going to do. 

My son’s insanity drives me crazy!

P.s. My shirt is dry now or at least dry enough that I am wondering if I should even bother changing out of it because the boy is just going to pee on me again in a few minutes anyway.  

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