Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Demons...Evil Diaper Demons

Yep, this is a dookie filled post.

I had the opportunity to witness the birth of an extreme diaper demon this morning, and I am not sure if I will ever be the same again.  I just don't think that there is any coming back from that.

Here's a bit of back story because I am sure you want to know what went down in all its glorious details.

My wife and I have been attempting to potty train our toddler for a while now.  We started maybe in December or January by putting him on his own little potty first thing in the morning and letting him go peepee in the potty.  Then, after a while, we put him on the potty other times of the day.

Well, to make a long story short, the boy is progressing little bit by little, so we decided within the last week or so to put him in big boy underoos to help train him to go in the potty because he will be able to feel it more in big boy britches than in diapers. 

Well, it's working brilliantly.  

He understands when he has to go, and he will go in the potty, but the timing is still a bit of an issue, which is what led to this morning's horrific event.

You see, after my wife left for work this morning, I decided that since the little man just went peepee in the potty that I was safe to let him run around in his underoos for a few minutes while I got a cup of coffee.

Surely, he wouldn't have to go again in the 2-3 minutes it took me to get a cup of coffee right?


Apparently, coffee was a bad idea right then.

As soon as I got to the coffee maker and started pouring myself a cup of sweet sweet caffeine I heard this adorable little "Uh oh!" from behind me.  

As I turned to see what was going on I immediately noticed that the little man was standing frightfully still, and his tiny baby bottom was growing larger at phenomenal rate.  

Well, I decided that there was nothing that could be done but to wait for the diaper demon to be released from its imprisonment from deep within my son's bowels.

Boy, was it disturbing waiting and watching as a mammoth sized dookie filled my sons big boy britches!

By the time he was all finished up the demon had grown to roughly the size of his own head.  Seriously Gross!  

I swear this dookie weighed in at 3 pounds or more, which is a lot considering it came out of a less than 30 pound kid.  Think of that.  He just crapped out more than 10% of his total weight.

Anyway, after he finished up, my son decided that he didn't want to wait for me to walk the whole 10 feet to get to him so he could get cleaned up "professionally."  Nope, my baby boy decided that his big boy britches had to come right off then and there.  

There would be no waiting.

Those stinky britches had to come off now!

So, the little man shimmied out of his gigantic log filled big boy undies and ran off.  Normally, this wouldn't have been a problem, but some how he hadn't managed to get one of his feet completely out of the leg hole of his britches.  

Yeah...he dragged his pooped filled underwear all over the house before I finally managed to catch him.


Luckily, it was easy to track him down.  All I had to do was follow the brown line.  Ok. So it wasn't that bad.

Fortunately, his demon friend was a pleasantly firm one.  It rolled instead of streaked.  Easy peasy clean up, but boy did it stink!

No matter how much you expect the diaper demons to get bigger and stinkier as your kid ages you always get surprised by them when they do.  

This one was totally bonkers!  

The only way I can describe it is that it was certainly a high quality poop huge, brown, firm, and stinky as hell.  In other words, it was everything that a proper diaper demon should be and more.

The and more part is in reference to its lingering fragrance.

Even though, it was vanquished by our valiant toilet more than 2 and a half hours ago you can still smell its foul stench all through out the house.

I believe it is time to get the white vinegar and baking soda out in preparation for yet another battle against a diaper demon's stink.  

Febreze just isn't going to cut it this time.

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