Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Yeah, He May Look Cute, But He's Really a Highly Trained Assassin!

Over the last week or so I have watched a lot of season two of Hoarders, and I came to a very important realization.  I am not a hoarder, but I may have hoarder tendencies, and that scares the crap out of me because my little guy is using this to his advantage. 

No, I don’t develop sentimental attachments to my trash or anything, so I am not a real hoarder yet.  I just tend to keep buying the little man more and more toys.  I can’t stop myself.  It is starting to get scary.  My house has been taken over by my son’s toys, and I swear that he uses them as his evil minions and saboteurs.

In other words, what I see as harmless objects designed for a child’s endless amusement, he sees as deadly weapons designed for mass destruction and annihilation. 

I’m serious!  Every step I take there is a toy waiting to trip me up.  What is really creepy is that all of his toys have evil little smiling faces.    It is like they are laughing at me as I fall to the ground, and once I am down the little man pounces on me, laughing in glee as he goes for the kill.  I am truly afraid that one of these days when I’m laying prostrate on the ground he is going to somehow orchestrate a massive attack involving all of his evil little minions and succeed in his attempt of hostile takeover.  I am not so afraid of him doing away with me.  I’m afraid that he is going to take me as a captive.

I guess that wouldn’t be so bad.  He already makes me clean up after him, feed him, bath him, and dispose of his filth.  What else can he possibly make me do? 

I don’t really want to think about it. 

Anyway, this morning alone I almost ended up on my butt three times because of his stealthy setting of traps!  First, I stepped on a car that flew out from under my feet, then as I was getting my balance back from that his train table jumped out in front of me and tried to up end me, and as a finale his creepy toy vacuum cleaner decided to turn on and scared the crap out of me.  I tell you it is dangerous around here!

Right about now, you are probably asking yourself, “Why don’t you just pick up the toys idiot?!”

Well, I’ll tell you what.  Keeping toys off the floor and in a safe location is a constant battle.  Maybe your kid is different, but mine likes to have his out and all over the place the minute he wakes up.  Yeah, I pick up the toys, but it really doesn’t make a difference because they always somehow find their way back to the floor and strewn about strategically to look innocent enough while being lethal in reality.  It is almost magical.

The wooden train cars are all placed on the floor with the wheels down to make me slip and fall should I step on them, all of the blocks are thrown down to disguise the fact that there are train cars down there too, and to top it all off there are a number of balls on the couch that my baby boy is going to throw at me when he wakes up to further distract me from the fact that there are train cars waiting to take me down.  Then, after I fall, he is undoubtedly going to make his move.  In order to survive, I have to maintain a constant state of alertness.  It’s the only way.

For real, it is like this every day.  Quick pick up while he is asleep, and the moment he wakes up he sets his traps again.  He’s a wily little bugger I tell you; a true master of deception.  Sure, he may look adorable while he is watching Sesame St., but in reality he’s a trained assassin just waiting to make his move.  

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