Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Poopy Diaper Game

We'd all like to think that only moms are up to their elbows in baby shit, and only moms go to work with baby vom on their collars, but we'd all be wrong.
It happens to Fathers too!

There is this assumption that men don’t change diapers, and aren't all that involved in parenting their children.  That assumption is false because we aren't all like that!  

Now, whether or not that is true for most men I don't know, but I can tell you for sure that I change my son’s diapers, and I am very involved in parenting him too.

I can't let my wife have all the fun can I? 

Anyway, let's get back to this diapering thing that I have gotten so good at that I have almost turned the task of changing my son's filled diapers into an art.

Let's just say that practice makes perfect shall we?

It’s not like I enjoy cleaning up after my little man’s droppings and pee.  It is just a necessity.  If he craps his draws then it is necessary for someone to change them.  That person is me.   

Sounds simple enough right?  I mean all I have to do is take off a dirty diaper, polish up a bottom, throw some diaper cream on the little guy, and toss another diaper on him.  No problem! 

Well, you’d be surprised.  Sometimes diaper changing is a little more complicated than that because not only do I find the task a little tedious, but I often have to guess as to whether or not the little guy pooped himself.  Urine is easy.  You can feel it squishing around in there, but when my boy poops himself it isn’t always so easy to figure it out.  It isn’t like the back of his diapers always visibly bulge out.  Sometimes, I just have to guess.  It is almost like a little game that we play several times a day.  The guess whether or not the baby’s got dirty britches game.  It’s a little like a really tame version of Russian roulette. 

Here’s how you play. 

You have a variety of ways you can use to determine if your baby has filthy diapers.  The object of the game is to find out if the diaper is poop filled using as few of the methods as possible.  

Remember.  If you cheat the only person you are cheating is yourself.

Here are five of my favorite techniques.

The Sniff test

The sniff test is as simple as it sounds.  All you have to do us sniff the baby’s rump and if it stinks then chances are you won the game right away.  Congratulations! 

But, sometimes it is hard to determine if the baby just farted or crapped, so there is always a possibility that the sniff test failed.  The results are also questionable because sometimes the rugrat’s poop doesn’t smell all that bad especially if the diapers are scented, possibly masking the odor of your baby’s sweet poop perfume.    

The Pat test

If you don’t want to put your nose on your baby’s bottom and perform a sniff test, or if the sniff test had questionable results, then you could do my personal favorite test, the pat test. 

To do this correctly all you have to do is hold your brattling up and pat his/her bottom.  If crap shoots out the back then you know your baby needs to be changed.  Then after he/she is properly cleaned and changed all you have to do is clean the crap off the wall and floor if there is any.

Yeah, this is disgusting, but it’s a fun party trick that is sure to get everyone rolling on the floor either in laughter or in an attempt to dodge turd bullets.  Either way it will be fun.

The finger Sweep

This is a sure fire way to determine if the kid’s diapers need to be removed and disposed of, and it is one of my wife’s favorite techniques, but it isn’t for the faint hearted.

To do a proper finger sweep you have to stick your finger inside your baby’s diaper and fish around for a turd.  If your finger comes out dirty then you know he/she needs a changing. 

The leg hole Peep Show

This technique is pretty much performed exactly like it sounds.  All you have to do is pull the back of the child’s diaper’s leg hole back and peek in to see if any doody is there.  It’s simple and effective, but I find it lacks the excitement and imagination that some of the other techniques have.

The Weight Distribution Test

Maybe it is just my kid, but when he craps his pants I can physically feel a difference in his weight distribution.  It is like all of a sudden his center of gravity shifts from around his belly button to just below his bottom.  It is freaky!

Therefore, it is kind of easy to determine if he pooped because it feels like he is going to do a flip when I pick him up.  The only way to keep him right side up is to take the diaper off.

So, now that you know the basics, feel free to start playing too.  Don’t worry.  If you don’t have a child that is still wearing diapers it’s no big deal.  You can change my kid’s diapers.  I gotta warn you though.  He’s feisty!   

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