This morning as I sit watching Shrek for the millionth time with the little man waiting for him to fall asleep, I realize something. No, I am not bored. I’m not annoyed. I’m grateful because I survived certain death last night!
You see, last night we went to visit my in laws to swim in their pond because it was so darn hot yesterday.
No, I didn’t almost drown. Really, nothing dramatic happened at all.
So, you are probably asking, “What almost killed you then?”
Well, I tell you. It was my mother in law. She almost killed me.
For the last ten years if I have bothered to learn anything it is to not cross my wife’s mother. Don’t get me wrong here. She is the absolute sweetest, most caring person that I know, and I love her to death, but she has a dark side that she hides deep down inside her. Every once in a while it surfaces and is really quite scary.
So the lesson here is, DON'T PISS HER OFF!
The last time I witnessed this surfacing of her dark side was maybe 8 years ago when she came after my brother in law and I with a frying pan. Luckily, I got away unscathed, which is more than I can say for my brother in law. I used him as a sacrificial lamb by making sure he was in my angry mother in law’s path so I could get away.
Yeah, I know. I am a coward, but you weren’t there to see the look in her eyes. I swear. Nothing has ever scared me so much in my life. And to think, it was all because us boys were goofing around and getting in her way.
Well, she sure let us know that she’d had enough. I should have listened to my father in law’s warnings, but who would have believed such a sweet lady was capable of such extreme violence!
It was so terrible that pop in law even fled the scene, and he wasn't even involved! I guess he was afraid of friendly fire or something.
Anyway, since that little episode I have known not to cross the mother in law, and as far as I am concerned, what she says goes. I don’t ask any questions. I just do as I am told. That is the only reason I have been able to survive the last ten years. I've learned my lesson well.
Well...not so much because for some reason I decided to test the boundaries last night.
After we went swimming with the little man, my mother in law decided that we all had to eat. It didn’t matter that we had already eaten. She told us to eat, so darn it we better eat!
So, I filled a bowl with some cottage cheese, potato salad, and a little macaroni salad wrongly thinking that that would be enough to placate her. After all, she knows I am fat already, and that I am trying to lose a few pounds. She can't possibly expect me to eat more than that can she?
Yes, and she will make you if you don't eat like a good son in law should.
You see, she is the type of person that hates the idea of anyone being hungry, so to make sure that no one is she forces them to eat until she thinks that they have had enough. Unfortunately, the more she forces you to eat, the hungrier she thinks you are. You can try to tell her that you’ve had enough, but she will simply say, “Eat it!” and I always do because, let’s face it, I’m a big fat coward, and I'm afraid of her.
But, last night I manned up a little bit. I told her no after she “offered” me some fried chicken, a hotdog or twenty, some tomatoes, and some barbecued ribs. “That went well” I thought because she didn’t say anything after I said no thank you to the pile of extra food.
I was so proud of myself!
Since her back was to me I didn’t realize how gravely I was mistaken because when she turned around and looked at me I knew that I was dreadfully wrong. I was about to die. She already had a weapon in her hand, and she looked angry. Really angry!
I had to do something quick!
So, I decided to grab a gigantic hot dog and about a pounds worth of tomato, hoping that that would restore me into her good graces.
Phew! Another dangerous encounter with a mother in law survived! And, I didn't have to eat everything she tried to make me. It's a win win!