Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Being Someone's DA is Scary Business!

By the looks of me, you may find it hard to believe that a large, hairy, ogre like looking man can really be afraid of much of anything.  But, you’d be wrong.  You see, I am a parent.  Therefore, there are lots of things that scare the crap out of me.   

The following is a list of all the stuff that really scares me now that I am a parent that I never in a millions years would have thought would scare me ever.


10.  Driving:

Before I became the little man’s Da I loved to drive.  In fact there was nothing that I liked better...except for maybe my wife.  I used to just hop in the car without a thought in the world and take off.  I never thought about how fast I was driving or how far I was driving.  I just went.

Well, that changed at about the time I first had my little guy in the car with me, which was the day that we brought him home from the hospital.  Since then, there are all sorts of things to consider before my butt hits the seat.  Driving isn’t so much fun anymore.  

Somehow it turned into an ordeal. 

I have triple check the car seat to make sure it isn’t too tight and not too loose.  I am constantly aware of my speed, and I am afraid to take the car over rougher roads for fear that the bumps will wake him up, scare him, or make him sick.  I also constantly worry that whatever trips we take will be too long for him to be comfortable.  Maybe I am weird, but I just hate the idea of driving around with a screaming, inconsolable kid in the back of the car where I can do nothing about it.  

9.  Playing at the Park/Outside:

Never in a million years would I have thought that playing outdoors or at the playground would scare me, but it does.

Not only do we have to put up with the losers at the park and the garbage that seems to accumulate and always be there that no one cleans up, but there are critters running around everywhere.  

These critters are primarily squirrels, but I have this irrational thought that they all have rabies, so when we are at the park I am constantly scanning my surroundings looking for the squirrel that is going to attack my son.  I just know that it is eventually going to happen.

8.  Dogs:

Now, this really sucks because I really love dogs and so does my son.  Every time we go to the park we see a few and he always wants to run up and say hi to them, but I can never let him because I am now a little afraid of what could happen.  

Yes, I still really adore dogs.  In fact, I love them so much that I don’t believe that there is such a thing as a bad dog.  There are only bad owners or stupid owners or circumstances where a person made a mistake, which caused an accident to happen.

My motto is it is never the dogs fault.  It is always the owners who are responsible.

However, that doesn’t mean that I am not going to be realistic here.  I am always going to make sure that I am between my son and any dogs that may be around.  Don’t get me wrong it isn’t like I am really afraid of dogs now.  I just figure that it is better to be safe than sorry, and I am better equipped to take a bit than my toddler.  Well, that and I have come to the realization that most dog owners have no clue how to handle their own dogs, so I am going to make sure that I am the closest one to the dog rather than my kid.  

7.  Shopping:

Ok.  To be completely honest with you I am not really afraid of going shopping with my baby boy, but it is rather annoying at times to do so.

I have always found shopping to be tedious and frustrating, and having a little man tagging a long sometimes makes it better, but it also might make it worse too.  Right now, my son is at the age where he is starting to notice things.  This means that he wants the stuff he sees, and god help you if you don’t give him what he wants when he wants it, which my wife and I don’t once he starts screaming.  No reason to teach a kid that a tantrum will get him what he wants.

Let me tell you, there isn’t much worse than having the one screaming kid in the entire store in your cart.  I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is and irritating it is to see people gawk at you and shake their heads admonishingly.  I don’t know whether my face turns red out of shame or anger half the time.  I hate the idea of some jack ass judging me, but I also hate it when other people can’t control their kids in the store too. 

So, how’s that humble pie taste?

Horrible! 

6.  Eating Out:

My wife and I rarely eat out anymore, which is kind of good because it saves us money, but that means I have a lot more cooking to do.  I can deal with that because I know how annoying it is to be seated next to the table with the screaming kids in the restaurant, and I don't want to be that family. 

My wife and I share the same mindset about this.  We believe that young KIDS DO NOT BELONG IN A RESTAURANT! 

Sure there are places where that rule doesn’t apply, like McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, and other fast food joints as well as obvious kid restaurants like Chuck E Cheese.  I guess most chinese buffets are alright too.

But, other than that, just don’t bring your little one with you when you go out to eat.  Find a sitter for them.  It is a win for everyone.  You don’t have to worry about all the crap your little monster will get into while at the restaurant and the other patrons don’t have to listen to your screaming brat the entire time they are eating

5.  Leaving the boy with a sitter:

I don’t care who you are.  You are never going to be comfortable leaving your kid with a sitter, and if you are comfortable doing that, then you are a stronger person than I am.

For me, it doesn’t matter if I am leaving my child behind with his Grandparents or a stranger.  I am always going to be worried that something is going to happen.  I just know that he is either going to end up stabbing himself or someone else, drown, start a fire, steal a car, or who knows what.  The possibilities of everything that could go wrong are endless.

That is why I have ignored I don’t know how many invitations of free babysitting so my wife and I can have a night out.  I would just have a miserable time without my baby boy.

Besides, what good is it to have a kid if you don’t spend time with them and do things together as a family?

4.  Going to the Movies:

As a parent I have developed an irrational fear of going to the movies, so I am totally unwilling to even try.

I am just worried that either the movie will be totally inappropriate and my son will leave the theatre dropping “f” bombs or he’ll do something that will get us booted from the theatre for life.

What could he possibly do in a theatre to get us tossed?

Obviously you have not smelled his diaper demons.  Man they are gross!  How terrible would it be to have the world’s stinkiest child crap his drawers in the middle of the movie, gagging all the other viewers?  I am sure that once we got to the bathrooms the doors would lock behind us until guys with hazmat suits arrived.

If we didn’t get booted for my son’s stink bombs, then I am sure we would be asked to leave because he has a tendency to scream at the television.  I am sure that will go over real well at a movie theatre.    


3.  Parking Lots:

Now, parking lots really do scare the crap out of me.  They never used to, but they sure as hell do now that I am a parent because no one ever pays attention to what the hell they are doing in the parking lot.  

I swear I have had more near death experiences now that I am a parent and paying attention to what is going on around me than I have ever had before. 

There are always cars scooting around, cutting through non-designated driving lanes.  You have to maintain a constant state of alertness to survive a walk through the parking lot of, let’s say a local Walmart.  It’s nuts!  I never understood before why some people drop people off at the front doors of the store and then go park, but I do now.  

They don’t do that because the people they are dropping off cannot walk.  They do it because walking through the parking lot is so freakin' treacherous!   Nowhere else is it possible to get sandwiched between a car backing up and one going forward because they are both vying  for the same space while texting or sexting or whatever they are doing when they are supposed to be driving.

2. Swimming:

The thought of him in the water terrifies me! 

Swimming was one of my favorite activities to do before I became a parent because my massive fatness made me so buoyant.  However, now I am wickedly uncomfortable anywhere near the water.  My baby boy just runs too fast! 

At any moment he can take off like a Gazelle running from a hungry lion!  What’s worse is that he has absolutely no fear of anything, so of course he’d run straight into the nearest source of water and not even think twice about it.

We’ve been swimming only once recently even though it has been hotter than Aunt Jemima’s pancakes around here the last few weeks.  And, when we did get in the water I wanted to put him into three life jackets and wouldn’t let him get more than his toes wet.  I was afraid that if we let him go up to his knees he’d drown.  Luckily I am buoyant enough that that wasn’t a problem.

1.  I’m going to screw this being a dad thing Up!

 Without a doubt, this is my biggest fear!  I am absolutely terrified that I am going to be a screw up as a father.  There are just too many things that I can mess up for him, and it scares me that I have the ability to mess him up for the rest of his life.

Truthfully, it scares me to the point where we have two savings accounts for him one for college and one for the therapy that I am sure he is going to need when he is a teenager.  Oh man!  What am I going to do when he becomes a teen?! 

What if he ends up being like I was?!

I don’t want to even think about it!                                                                                                      

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