Wednesday, May 11, 2011

"What is Wrong With You?!"

This is a typical conversations that parents have with their kids.

Question:    "You did What?!"                             
Answer:               Silence…

Question:     “What were you thinking?!”
Answer:               The only correct answer is “I wasn’t”
Question:     “What the heck is wrong with you?!”                     
Answer:               Silence…

Does this sound familiar?

What most people don’t realize is that once you become a parent yourself you start to think like a parent 24 hours a day, and amazingly you start to sound just like your parents sounded especially when they got exasperated by something you have done.    

But, that is not all.  The stupid things that strangers do, which normally wouldn’t bother you starts to really annoy you too, so you will find yourself asking complete strangers the same exact questions that your parents asked you when you did something stupid. 

I realized that this was the case on Monday when I went to the park with the little man and my brother.  We got there just in time to see a couple of teens who were obviously skipping school dry humping, I hope, on the playground.  


But, don't worry. That wasn’t the stupidest or the craziest thing I have seen this week.  I have had ample opportunities to ask people the "What were you..." questions in my best dad voice I could muster, but I will only mention a few instances.  

Let's see.  

Oh, I can't forget about seeing a grown man barking at a recycling truck and chasing it, and, just this morning, I chased my little man around the living room trying desperately to get him off the dog, that he was riding like a horse while screaming in laughter.  The trick to that was nabbing him before he fell and hurt himself.  I tell you.  The fact that the little man is fearless scares the crap out of me! 

But, I think that there is something going on this week that is making people be inordinately foolish.  What is the deal here?  What is causing so many people to make so many bad decisions?  Of course, I am not really including the little man in this because he is only 15 months old, and, let’s face it, I would probably ride the dog around like a horse too if I could.

But, what about the dry humping teens and the barker?  What are their excuses?   

I mentioned above that a lot of things that people do never used to bother me before I became a daddy.  The dry humping teens kind of fall into that category.  It isn’t like I really care what they do as much as where they are doing it.  The playground where little kids frequent is no place to fornicate in the middle of the day.  Have they no shame?  Wait.  I already know the answer to that.  No.  They are teenagers!  Of course they are shameless! 

Well, at least now I know to bring disinfectant wipes with me whenever I go to the park because seriously.  How gross is that? 

Now, as for the barker, he really irritates.  Yesterday, I watched the little freak as he barked at passing cars.  “That’s not so bad” you may be thinking, but I actually think he tried to attack the poor recycling guys during their pick-up, which could prove to be troublesome.    

Anyway, what really bothers me is that I have been telling my son every day since the day he was born that it was not safe to play in the road.  It is just something that you don't do. Now, I have explain to the little man that this guy across the street who runs out into the road while barking at cars can do it, but baby boy has to still hold my hand whenever we are outside because he isn’t allowed to go out into the road.  

People that act like that just don’t realize how much they complicate this whole parenting business.  They don’t think of all the questions that we are now going to have to answer.  Luckily, since my baby boy is only 15 months old he doesn’t ask a lot of questions.  He just points at the guy and tells him to quiet down when he starts barking. 

Well, with any luck the barking psycho will either get evicted, admitted, or hit by a car soon.  Any of those scenarios would suit me just fine.  Just as long as the guy stops giving my little one bad idea’s I’ll be happy because he can figure out how to do crazy things all by himself.

Speaking of which, can you imagine the shock I felt when I saw him riding around on top of one of my dogs?!

Looking back on it, it is kind of amusing because the faster I moved to grab my son off of my dog’s back, the faster the poor dog moved because he thought he was in trouble.  So, I ended up chasing them around the first floor of our house for a few minutes, looking like a fool.  I should have just called the dog over to me, and I probably would have if I wasn’t panicking.

Anyway, before I knew it baby boy fell off and hit the train table.  Luckily he didn’t get hurt.  In fact, he was still laughing.  Then quickly I heard myself asking, “Dude! What the heck were you thinking?!  What is wrong with you?!”  The response was complete silence of course.  Go figure. 

I am just glad I have awesome dogs that will put up with stuff like that.

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