Friday, May 27, 2011

I Guess Parents Aren't Meant to Have Sex Lives

One of the things that I miss most from the pre baby days, well, let’s face it, the only thing that I miss from my pre baby life is having the chance to be intimate with my wife whenever we want.  Once the little man arrived, any kind of private life we had disappeared like Jimmy Hoffa.  Nobody knows where it went.

If you have children of your own then you know exactly what I am talking about.  The little monsters follow you around everywhere.  It is so bad around here that if I shut the door when I am in the bathroom little fists immediately start pounding on the door quickly followed by a little voice shouting “Hey Da!!!  DADA!!!!”

There is just no getting away for a few minutes to take a crap.  That’s not allowed.

But, that I can live because he will grow out of it…eventually…I hope.

The complete lack of intimacy with my wife is a whole different problem, and I am not totally convinced that we will ever get that back. 

I guess parents aren’t meant to have sex lives.

My wife and I can’t even cuddle like we used to because there is this crazy, jealous little person running around the house.  We try to snuggle up to each other and watch a movie, and, sure as shootin’, the little guy streaks over to us and tries desperately to get between us.  He just can’t stand the idea of my wife and I snuggling or cuddling, and sex is definitely out of the question because he always knows when the mood strikes us and puts a stop to it quick as hell.  My wife and I have to try and sneak it in there whenever we can, and most of the attempts are complete failures. 

It is like our baby boy knows whenever we are getting frisky.  It is like some strange sixth sense he has!  He can be completely sound asleep, in a different room. with a radio playing, and the moment that my wife and I start fooling around he’ll jump up out of a sound sleep and start screaming, “Mama.  Hey Mama!  Dada?  Mama…Dada!”

Talk about a mood killer!  There is just no ignoring him at that point, so I can’t “muscle through it” so to speak.  Our games are already thrown.

Like I said, I am pretty sure that he knows what is going down, and I am pretty sure that this knowledge freaks him out.

I can’t blame him there.

The idea of my parents having sex creeps me out too. 

Just the thought of it is scarring, and I really wish that my Mom never told me that my siblings and I were all conceived on camping trips and that there was a not so insignificant amount of alcohol involved because that just puts it over the top for me.

I don’t want to know that!   

So, yes, I can understand how the idea of my wife and I being intimate might be oogy for my son, but he is only 15 months old!  We should be able to fly under the radar!  I mean come on!  It is pretty bad when a toddler can outwit me.

What happened to my ability to be sneaky?!

It is an odd concept for me to grasp that I should have to sneak around as a parent or get caught by my kid.  Geez!  I feel like I am a teenager again trying sneaking around doing god knows what and being terrified that I am going to get caught.  Only this time, I am trying not to get caught by a 24 pound, 30 inch tall clairvoyant toddler. 

At least when I was a teenager sneaking around my parents was exciting and a little fun.  That just isn’t the case anymore.  Now, it feels a bit tragic really.  We are never going to win this game because there is just no way that my wife and I are going to get past the little man’s defenses.  He is always going to know, and he is going to put a stop to any funny business immediately.  Like I said before, I guess parents aren’t meant to have sex lives.  

1 comment:

  1. It's true. I heard that we might catch a break when they're teenagers in the window right before worrying they're out past curfew.