Thursday, March 3, 2011

Kids Are Gross!

For a while now I have surmised that the difference between dogs and young kids is minimal; they both need a heck of a lot of attention as youngsters; both dogs and humans display similar behaviors and reactions to stimuli; they both are extremely curious; but, most of all, both babies and dogs seem to want to put everything in their mouths.  So, you can see why I have always seemed to think that raising a baby would be a lot like raising a puppy.  But, even I didn’t know just how similar dogs and babies were until this morning.

As many of you parents know, it is important to baby proof your house because toddlers and babies love to get into everything that is dangerous.  Well, this morning I was working on upgrading some baby proofing while the little man was running around and having a good time.  It wasn’t long before I noticed this foul odor that just lingered and lingered.  This may sound horrible, but I was hoping that this stench would go away on its own because that would mean that the little man only farted and not left me a diaper demon to dispose of.  I really didn’t want to change another poopy diaper.  Yeah I know I was being lazy and horrible, but if you have kids you know just how bad these things can get. 

Anyway, the stench didn’t go away.  It was the real deal.  So, I got up, grabbed the little tyke and walked over to the changing table.  When I got the little man undressed, I quickly realized that this was the mother of all poopy diapers.  I swear this thing had to weigh about 2 pounds or so, which is a huge amount of poo to come out of a 22 lb baby.  So, I put on my hazard gear and got to work.  I am just kidding I don’t really have hazard gear for changing diapers, but I do have a routine that I follow.  To start with I always have three wipes at hand, the trash bin open, and the butt cream out and ready to go so I am not searching for all this stuff with a squirming poop covered baby.   Then I toss the diaper immediately and rush to wipe him down before he spreads his diaper demon all over the place because he squirms around so much.   

Well, I didn’t follow my usual poopy diaper routine this morning.  Like I said, I usually toss the diaper immediately upon removal of it from the baby.  However, this time I left it on the changing table at my baby’s feet.  Before I had a chance to realize my mistake the little man decided to reach down and grab a handful of his own foulness.  I was totally caught off guard.  Then I thought, “Great!!!  This is definitely going to require another bath!” Well, it was worse than that because before I knew it he had his poop covered fist wrist deep in his mouth.  Ok, not wrist deep, but you get the point. 

Never in a million years would I have thought that my darling little boy would put his own poop in his mouth.  How gross is that?  Really gross!  I couldn’t stop from retching on the poor little guy right then and there.  He was already crying because, I imagine, he couldn’t get that horrible taste out of his mouth and then to have your da puke on you.  It must have been traumatizing!  I know that it was traumatic for me.  I am probably going to have nightmares about this forever.  I mean who the heck has a kid that will eat his own poo anyway?  The only consolation is that I am sure he didn’t do it on purpose, but that doesn’t make it any less disgusting!  Needless to say, we both took a shower and brushed our teeth a hundred times.  Even thinking about it now makes me think I am going to get sicky on the laptop.  I don’t think that I will ever be able to look at a poopy diaper again.  From now on I am going to put potty training into hyperdrive, hoping to avoid another poo tasting incident.  Let’s get it done!

You know, this little episode just reaffirms my previous belief that people and canines aren’t really all that different.  I wish we were, but it simply isn’t so.  Now, I don’t just have a dog that eats poo, but I have a one year old son that does too.  Not awesome!  Ok, so the little man probably didn’t mean to eat his poo, but that doesn’t change the fact that he did.  Now, every time I hug or kiss my little mighty mite I am going to remember that he put poo in his mouth and then I am going to imagine that I can smell it on his breath.  I am scarred for life I tell you!  Now, I have to go and brush his teeth again.  

P.s.  As a quick side note.  I told my wife about what happened and she was more concerned that I retched on the poor little man than the fact that he put a handful of poo in his mouth.   

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