Wednesday, February 9, 2011

My Disgusting Dogs and the Sneaky Poop Attacks!

Caution:  Consider this fair warning.  Today's post is slightly gross and, as the title might suggest, involves poopy.  So please take this into consideration before you read further if there is a possibility that this will offend you.

If you have children you probably remember all the diaper explosions that you had to clean up.  I am constantly surprised at the sheer amount of poop that little babies can create in one go.   Like this morning for instance.  The little man was playing with his wooden train set and all of a sudden he looks at me and gives me that smile, which isn’t really a smile.  It’s the look that all babies get when they are struggling internally with some sort of demon that desperately wants to escape their bowels and take over the world.

Well, this morning’s escaped diaper demon was certainly something that the devil himself would be proud of.   I swear to you that before my very eyes I watched as my son’s diaper expanded to its bursting point.  Oh my, what a stench it created!  I am telling you that this diaper demon smelled so bad that even the dogs cringed in terror.  They were so afraid of it consuming their very essence that they banished themselves up the stairs and hid trembling in their crates, which is totally the opposite reaction from what I have grown accustomed to from them.  Those of you who have nasty disgusting dogs know what I am referring to, but for those that do not I will tell you what gross dogs do with baby poopy.  They try their hardest to eat it.  It is a disgusting but sometimes useful habit!

I am not going to lie to you and say that I never once let the dogs clean up after the little man, but I will say that there has been a few times when I couldn’t stop the cleanup from occurring due to being completely shocked.   Don’t get me wrong.  I wasn’t shocked that the dogs would eat it.  I have grown up with disgusting mongrel dogs and know exactly what they are capable of eating.  No, I was shocked at the velocity, volume, and quantity of dookie at which babies are capable of shooting out their bottoms. 

Before he was born, I thought that I was prepared for this, but I was wrong.  To this day it still surprises me, and amuses me a little.  How can something so little fire a turd torpedo that sounds like a thunderstorm and looks like a Christmas style fruitcake out its pooper like that?  And, for some reason unknown to me, the little man has learned to wait and aim these nuggets of awesomeness at me while I am either changing him or helping to sit him on his froggy potty.  The little squirt knows to lean sideways to fire his “ammunition” out over the potty too.  I know he is doing this on purpose because he laughs at me when he does it.  I am thinking that my wife has put him up to it.

As you can imagine, when these little attacks first happened I was quite shocked.  Now I know to look out for them however.  But, for a while, it was really handy to have two completely disgusting dogs hanging around because they could always clean up the poop attack while I cleaned up the boy and found something to clean up the situation myself.  Yes, I refer to my son’s excrement as situations.  Anyhow, if you have kids, then you know how handy a tool to disgusting, poop eating dogs can be regardless of the level of disgust you feel at the time when they are put in use.  I don’t encourage this behavior or anything, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be a little thankful for it does it?

Anyway, for the last month or so I haven’t had to utilize my dogs for that specific purpose, and they seem truly saddened by this, which is why it was so surprising to me that this morning the little man managed to produce something so vile that even my disgusting dogs didn’t want anything to do with it.  Neither did I, but what can you do?  Someone had to clean it up, and this morning that someone was me.  But, what made the experience even more humiliating was the self-satisfied look that the little tyke had on his face as I scooped the dookie out from under him on the changing table.  It was like he was reminding me of my proper place in society, and for a little extra confirmation he pee’d on me while I was cleaning him up too.  He hasn’t done that in months.  He must have thought I was getting to uppity for my own good.  Now, I know better I guess.

So, let this serve as a warning to all future parents out there.  Being a mommy or a daddy has many rewards, but it also requires you to get your hands dirty too.  I mean really filthy!  It doesn’t matter how weak your stomach is.  When the poop flies you have to clean up the mess, and if this might be too much for your weak stomach then I suggest getting some disgusting dogs of your own or maybe desensitizing yourself a little at a time before you have to get in there and really get dirty.  Your baby will help in this because at first the poopy attacks won’t be that bad, but I assure you that they will get worse progressively.  So, make sure you stock up on baby wipes and keep your supplies filled because believe me you’ll be thankful for them later. 

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