Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Laws of Toddlervania!

Well, I knew it would eventually happen.  There was a pitched battle at my house.  I was overthrown by a much stronger, well equipped, and organized force.  

You guessed it.  This force was led by the little man.  

I am not sure how he managed to train his stuffed animal soldiers under my nose, but he did.  To put it simply, my allies and I were simply overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of them.  In the end I was left with just the cowardly dogs, who turned and fled, and the turncoat cats, who unsurprisingly switched sides once they knew who was going to win this war.  

I had no choice but to surrender. 

Soon after my surrender, the little man declared himself King of Toddlervania, which used to be known simply as home.  He is a benevolent ruler though and is allowing me to remain in his kingdom as his personal servant as long as I agree to meet his demands and follow his laws, which he has written below.

The Laws and Demands of the New King of Toddlervania

1.)    Thou shalt not worship any above me:

As the mighty King of this realm I require that you provide me with food offerings, which I will refuse and throw on the floor, and I demand that you think of naught but me for no less than 23 hours of every day. Yes, I will know if you are not thinking of me for I am not just mighty king of this glorious realm, but I also declare myself GOD within this budding kingdom. 

However, I am not an unjust mighty king/god.  If you should spawn another child I will share this glorious kingdom with him or her as well.  Then you shall serve us both as our slave, but you are still required to worship myself first and foremost or punishment will ensue.

Such punishment shall be a reign of terror until I see fit to travel away from this realm.  Do not test my patience, for I have the power to make your life a living hell for many years to come.

2.)    Thou shall serve my every whim:

No longer will it be said, “Just a moment baby boy.  I’ll put Thomas on in a minute.”  

When I want to watch my favorite Thomas and Friends episodes you will drop everything that you are doing to provide me with said entertainment.  I require instant gratification nothing else will be sufficient.

I will accept no excuses!  What I say, must be!  I am your king and your God!

With that said, I require some Yo-baby yogurt.  Banana Flavored if you please.

3.)    Thou shalt not question my authority:

If I say that I am God then I am God and that is that. You will treat me as such.  I require it!  If I tell you in a few years when I am able to speak your language fluently that the sun is following me then by ME it is!  No questions. Now, go and think of me. 

Sleepy are you?  Then dream of me!  Go!

I require it.

4.)    Thou shall anticipate my every need:

Come now!  This should be obvious, but I am assuming that you are dazed by the loss of your pitiful kingdom that is now my glorious realm. (This law is to be put under reconsideration later.)

Should I have poopy diapers you should have clean diaper and refreshing, cleansing wipes on hand before the  doozy of a two-zy is fully finished.  Then you must clean me and enjoy it while you are doing so, for I am God.  What better honor is there than the cleansing of your God’s poopy backside?

Yes, Bask in the aroma of godliness.

5.)    Thou shalt never tell me no:

We have established that in my kingdom my every whim will be obeyed.  Therefore, I can, most certainly, stay awake all night if I wish.  I can also have cookies for dinner, watch television until my eyes pop out of my head, play with your cell phone, climb into the dishwasher, climb into the refrigerator, remain nude all day if I wish, urinate wherever I choose, bite anything I desire, including the remotes, destroy the furniture, and the list goes on.  I may do all this without fear of repercussion because, let’s face it, I am the mighty king and God of Toddlervania!

6.)    Thou must swear allegiance to me and only me now and in the future:

Remember, I am allowing you to live in my kingdom as a servant.  

You owe me! 

There will be no alliances, no coalitions, or secret societies unless they are to further my gains as a mighty king/God.

Yes, I am aware that you and mother are young and there may be another sibling at some point, but I expect full backing in any future arguments I may or may not have with a co-ruler of Toddlervania that may or may not appear.  For, I am the 1st mighty king and God of this realm.  All others who follow will be less important.  

Swear it!

7.)    The name Toddlervania must be allowed to change as I age:

You may have guessed it, but I will not remain a toddler forever.  I require the ability to change the name of this realm as it suits me. 

But, you must swear to never allow me to name myself a tween or to call this beloved kingdom “Tweenvania.”  


8.)    My kingdom travels with me:

This should go without being said, but I know how tricky you adults are.  My rule is absolute and far reaching.  Wherever you are I will rule you and you will obey!  I am mighty king/God I require this!

9.)    Thou art mine to toy with:

I am mighty king/God!  You are the dirt filthy that must clean my poopy buttocks as well as any other bodily fluids where ever they appear.

Thou art charged with providing me with endless entertainment in any way that I see fit.

Now, dance for me slave! Dance!  I am mighty king/God!!!  I require it!

10.) Thou shalt not covet the cuteness, sweetness, or good manners of another child:

As your mighty king/God I am all the baby that you need or could possibly want.  Any comparisons of myself to other shall only reflect upon me favorably.  Let this serve as an example of my will, “Wow!!! That baby is ugly as sin not at all as attractive as you are my mighty God-King.”

I am mighty King/God I require it!  

Now...go and serve me!

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