Monday, December 26, 2011

I Met Santa!!!....He's kind of Rude!

What a Christmas!

We all had so much fun! 

It started out with a Christmas party at Grammy's  house, and guess who showed up to warn Pizzly to be good.  

None other than Santa himself.

Of course, I couldn't meet the big man in red because I had a violent case of the Hershey squirts at the time and was stuck on the toilet.

Oh well, I will get to meet Santa one of these days.

Anyway,  Santa came and said his hellos and chatted with Pizzly for awhile. 

You know how it goes.  He apparently has a script or something he sticks to because it is always the same conversation with this guy.  "have you been good?"  "Is there anything you really want me to bring you?" "Can you try to be extra good until I come?"  Then he always ends with this. 

"I will try my hardest for you, but I can promise that whatever I bring it is something that I really wanted you to have?"  

Mama Bear said the whole visit was kind of lame, and Santa didn't even bring anything for Pizzly because he was "just stopping in to say hi."

After he left and when it appeared that the party was clearly coming to an end, we decided to head home to try to get the little man to sleep.

That wasn't too much of a chore.  He was out the minute his head hit the pillow.

It wasn't long after that, that I heard a bump on the roof and some noise a few seconds later in my living room.

So, I went down to check it out and was surprised as hell as to what I found.

Holy Crap! Santa Brought Pizzly a train!
Santa was there and setting up his gifts for us!

I was dumbfounded!

"I finally get to meet Santa!" I said aloud.

I quickly asked him if he could make sure that he didn't leave anything that Pizzly would like more than what I got for him.

His reply was, "Ho! Ho! Ho!!!  You'll get what I give you, and you're going to be thankful for it jackal!"

Again.  Dumbfounded!

Did Santa really just flip me the double bird?!

Yes.  He did.

Apparently, Santa isn't as benevolent as we all had hoped and assumed.  

He's actually kind of rude!

But, wait.  Maybe I was the one who was being rude...hmm...

Anyway, I quickly decided that he was right.  I should be thankful for anything that he is willing to give Pizzly because I know that whatever he brings will make the Pizzmeister happy!

And, that's all I really care about, making my precious little son as happy as he can be.

Then I looked about.  "Boy was this year going to be be amazing!" I thought.

Santa even pitched the tent that my younger brother got Pizzly.  

What a nice guy even if he is a little gruff every once in awhile.

At that point, I started to really appreciate the Big Man In Red and all he does for everyone.  Who else would go through all the trouble that he does to make sure people have a nice holiday?  

What a great guy!

With all that Santa had brought for Pizzly, I just knew that Pizzers was going to be super excited and happy when he woke up!  And, I was and am so grateful for that.

You know what?

I was right!

The boy was ecstatic! He immediately found the train cars that Santa left for his wooden tracks, and ran right up to me to show me.

Then Pizzly started in on his stalking, which was jammed full of goodies!

I have to admit.  I was a little Jealous!

Well, not really.  I was too busy feeling all warm and fuzzy inside to feel jealous of all the nice things that Santa got specifically for my little man.

Then, when I thought that all the presents were done being opened, I heard the little man shriek from another room and come flying up to me.

I immediately thought that he was going to attack me so I grabbed Mama Bear's old boppy to protect my self from an onslaught.   

Apparently, that wasn't why Pizzly had shouted.

He had found a present left for him in the entrance way!

Santa, the sneaky little bugger,  must have decided that it would be more fun for Pizzly if he had to hunt down a toy or too.

Genius!  Pure Genius because boy was the Pizzers excited to find that extra gift!

It was a full out work bench with tools and everything!  

As the morning drew on and the rest of the day passed, I couldn't help but feel like I was one of the luckiest guys on the planet.

I mean, I got to finally meet Santa, my baby boy got just about everything he could ever want, and we had no where to go so we could just sit and relax enjoying each others company for an entire day!  

I cannot think of anything more I could have wanted.

Except for maybe a nice home made pecan pie.

And look!  

That even appeared, as if by magic, after I made it!

I hope you all had as nice of a holiday as I had, and I wish you all the very best in the coming new year and all the new years after!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Christmas Wars!!!

For the last few days the boy has been waging one long, on-going war against the Christmas tree and all its ornament folk. 

By war, I mean he's commiting genocide or attempting it anyway.  He's not alone in it either. He's been using his Thomas the train minions to do the dirty work for him.


Luckily, the ornaments are wickedly resilient.  I have a good feeling they will survive for at least this year.  Plus, they have me on their side.


Yeah, that probably isn't helping them too much.  I know.

It all started out innocent enough.  Mama Bear's nutcracker ornament was riding around the train set on Pizzly's Thomas engine.  It was all good times until the Nutcracker wouldn't fit through the tunnel and fell off of Thomas.

That...of course... made the Nutcracker angry, so he attacked Thomas by reaching back like a pimp and slapping Thomas' funnel.

Wrong thing to do Nutcracker!  

I'd say that it was ok and to forget about it, but it's really not.  You see, Thomas is the biggest badass in Pizzly's train army, and he never forgets it once someone wrongs him, especially if the wronging is a Nutcracker ornament B-slapping him.

War was the only possible outcome of this. 

So, that's what started this whole stupid stupid war!  A dum, habitual line stepping nutcracker had to go and slap Thomas' funnel over an imaginary slight.

After that, it was just a matter of time until both sides drew up ranks and started battling.  Of course, Pizzly sided with the trains.  That left me with the lame-o ornaments!


Here's a photo of what the last battle looked like.

Not too glorious looking is it?

Yeah, it was atrocious!

My tree ornaments never even had a chance.  Had I known that Pizzly was going to cheat and bring out his "Pooh Bear" battle train, I could have had somebody on hand to counter attack the giant honey sucker!

Who am I kidding?  I have no one that could withstand an attack from that battle train.  I was doomed from the start.

At least it is over now...for good.

Pizzly captured and executed my general, Santa Claus.

Now my army doesn't have the heart to fight any more.

Now, only two questions remain, and I have the answers to both of them already.

Who's going to clean up this mess?

-me of course

Will Pizzly ever stop gloating over his unquestionable victory?

-No.  That's not how he rolls, the little smack talker!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Classics Were better...maybe.

Yesterday, I decided it would be a good idea to veer away from some of the more modern children's holiday movies.  I just couldn't stand all the whining, and annoying kids voices any more.  I mean really!  Some of these Christmas movies are so damned annoying!

So, what do I do? 

I pull out a classic, "Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas!" 

Well, I have to tell you something.  

I am not sure if this was a wise idea because ever since watching this nice little movie Pizzly has been sitting in a corner rocking and sobbing.

Ok. That isn't true.  I have been sitting in a corner rocking and sobbing!

Holy crap!  I forgot how sweetly depressing this Christmas movie was.

First of all, they are poor and have no money to give each other any gifts.  That's fine because Christmas is really not about commercialism, and these impoverished yet happy otters are teaching a very important lesson by showing that. 

But, then Emmett mentions how much he misses his dad, who died.  

Not cool.  Now, I am starting to get depressed.  You mean that these otters are poor and in mourning.  Those poor, unlucky puppets!   That sucks!

If that wasn't bad enough, the otters decide to enter into a talent contest because if they win it they could buy each other a Christmas gift.  

How sweet right?  

Well, in order to enter into the contest mama otter ends up hocking the tool chest and all the tools, which daddy otter left when he died and Emmett used as a means of earning money, and Emmett decided to use mama otter's washtub to make a washtub base, which means that he had to put a hole in it effectively making it useless as a wash tub.

So, now, they have nothing.  NOTHING!  Unless they win the talent contest.

They don't.

"What the hell kind of Christmas flick is this?" I asked the little man who was looking confused at me.

His answer was a long drawn out, "Whaaaat?!"

I guess that sometimes even the classics aren't as good as the classics.  If you catch my drift.  

It just seems that we always look back and think things were so much better back then.  Well, maybe they weren't. They were just different.

Don't get me wrong.  I am going to Watch Emmett again because I like that it was realistic, but I am also going to watch Rudolph, which is consequently older and more classicer, and I am going to watch all the other new crappy kids christmas movies and shows too because, sometimes, it is nice when everything works out in the end.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Mama Bear is a Heartless Liar!!

Well, today is going to be a rough one.  Pizzly woke up extra early (around 4), and was blatting about something.  Mama Bear and I assumed that the poor little guy was sick or something, so she gave him some tylenol, and tried to coax him back to sleep.

It didn't really work. 

Sure, he went to sleep around 6:30 for a half an hour or so, but man.  I could use a little more of a nap.

Not going to happen, which kind of sucks.

It wouldn't be so bad if Mama Bear hadn't promised me that the boy would be ready for a nice long nap after the tylenol kicked in.  "Just wait it out." she said.

I'm still waiting, and, so far, it seems like Mama Bear is a cruel, heartless liar!

I bet that it wasn't even tylenol that she gave Pizzly.  It was probably kiddy crack because now the boy is running around in circles giggling and laughing and dancing.  He obviously doesn't feel bad at all and is showing no signs of tiring anytime soon.

Man, this is going to be a long day!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Chopped Liver...Again!

Well, Mama Bear was sick this morning and had to call in to work, which means only one thing to me.  I don't get to play with Pizzly all day like usual.

In fact, so far, I haven't had much time to play with him at all today since I am officially chopped liver because mommy's home.  

The little bugger just doesn't want anything to do with me.

I offer to go out and get him toys...nothing!

I ask him if he wants to go and get some candy...nothing!

How about going to the park...Nothing!

The Zoo...nothing!

Aaahhh! What can I do to win you back little man?!

No response...

Apparently, Da will just never be as cool as Mama.  That's ok.  I am kind of used it because it is exactly like this on the weekends and every morning just before Mama Bear goes to work.  It's like I don't exist.  Well...not really like I don't exist because he comes running for me whenever he wants to beat somebody up.  And, that somebody is always me since Mama Bear won't put up with that kind of shenannigans.

You know, as far as Pizzly is concerned, when Mama Bear's around I am only important for two things, and if neither of those things are required of me I should just disappear until he beckons me.  

Those two things are; 1, which you already know.  I am to be Pizzly's punching bag/wrestling partner when required; and, 2.  I provide him with sustenance when required.  

I guess that since he is done kicking my ass for awhile that means that I should go to the kitchen where I belong and start the long, arduous task of making the fifteen bean soup I have been meaning to make for two weeks now.

I am sure the boy is going to be hungry when he wakes up from his afternoon nipper nap.

P.S. Actually, it isn't all that hard to make the bean soup, but I tell Mama Bear it is so she will be impressed!  ;o)  Yeah, I am shameless, but I need to curry brownie points where I can.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Mysterious Package and Our Christmas Card

Well, yesterday was a big day for us!

Because this Showed up!

"What's that?" you ask.

Well, the answer to that question is complicated because I don't know what's inside yet.

I'm almost afraid to open it because neither my wife nor I ordered it, and we have no idea where it came from.

Sure, it came in an box, but that doesn't mean that there isn't something scary in there.   You know, like a box of dog poo or worse...a clown!

No.  I am not really afraid of clowns.  I just think that they are creepy at times.

The other reason that yesterday was a big day was because we decided to finally start making our Christmas cards!

That was a trip I tell ya!

If you have kids, then you already know how awesome it is trying to get your little one to sit still for five minutes so you can take his freakin' picture!

It's not! Not awesome in the least!

It's like as soon as the camera comes out Pizzly turns into this crazed super villain who thrives on mayhem!

Yeah, it is kind of cute, but after a few minutes of chasing the boy around I am ready to throw in the towel.  

But, no.  Mama Bear insisted that we persist until we get some decent photos of him for the Christmas card.  

Here's what we managed to get.

Noticing Da Has the Camera

Pizzly Singing
Caught in mid run
Getting tickled so he will sit still

More tickling


And...we gave up after that.

See?  It's almost impossible to get Pizzly to sit still for the few seconds it takes to snap a shot of him.  And, as I look at all the photos in all the Christmas cards we've received thus far I ask myself.  "How the hell did they all manage it?" 

It has got to be some sort of black magic!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

We Got a Talker Here!!!

Well, this is nothing new.  Pizzly has always been a little chatter box, but, lately, his chattering is becoming more and more intelligible.

"And that is a Problem?"  You ask.

Well, yes and no.

On the one hand it is totally awesome that Pizzly is using human words and not some sort of  J.R.R. Tolkien created language that no one can understand.  It means that he is growing up, and that when he goes flipsies about something he can theoretically tell me why.

But, on the other hand, when little ones speak it can get annoying. 

For instance, Pizzly is constantly pointing to stuff and asking "What's that?"  And, by constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY!  It is his favorite game as of late.

And the kicker is, I have to answer him each and every time because there will be no ignoring him.  He simply won't have it.  In his mind he is the center of the universe, and it is totally unacceptable for anyone to ignore him.  And, he's right in a way.  At least, he is the center of my universe, and if I ignore him it is borderline child neglect because he is so small.

Anyway, the only time I don't have to answer him is when he is sleep talking, and, lately, sleep doesn't happen all that often.   So, as you can imagine, I have to explain what a lot of things are.

Don't get me wrong here!  I love talking with the boy and telling him what's going on, and what different things are, but playing the "What's that?" game for four hours straight everyday is getting a little old.

The other thing that I have noticed, which is neither good nor bad about Pizzly's language skills, is that he can ask for different foods by name now, and I will absentmindedly give him whatever he asks for as long as he isn't asking "What's that?"  And he knows it too, the tricksy little bugger!   

Yesterday, he managed to probably sneak 20 cookies out of me because I was so happy that he wasn't asking me what something was that I just handed him whatever he was asking for.  Then I noticed what he was doing, and decided two things.  One, he is truly a tricksy little bugger; and, two, there is really no harm in letting him have a handful of animal cracker cookies every once in awhile through out the day. 

After all, it isn't like he isn't eating healthy things at meal times, and they are just animal crackers with raisins added into the mix too sometimes.   What harm could that bring?

In my book.  He's earned them.  Not just because he asks for them by name, but because Pizzly is working so hard to use the potty and working so hard at learning the alphabet and colors that he deserves a few treats everyday as a reward for all that hard work.  

Well, there's that and the fact that he is so utterly adorable to me, and I am so amazed by him and proud of him that I can't help myself.  I'll give him anything he wants that is within reason and within my power, and I deem raisins and animal crackers to be both.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Santa, That Lecherous Bastard!!!

Well, Santa responded to the letter I sent him.  Actually, he did more than reply.  He actually paid us a visit!

By us, I mean he visited Pizzly and his friends at a party while I was at home enjoying the first luxuriously alone shower I have had in a long time!  

Boy, was I chagrined when I showed up at the party to the realization that I had missed the big man in red by a matter of minutes!

How depressing!  I had so much I wanted to ask him!

Then, after looking about, I realized that Santa brought his A-game that day.

He brought a crap load of loot for the kiddos!

I mean there were toys everywhere!  

He brought all the kids hard hats, he gave them play-do, books, recorders, and, to top it all off, he gave all the little rugrats guitars too.  And that's just the stuff I can think of off the top of my head!

Oh!  And, of course, he had to ply them all with sugary goodness too.

Thanks Jerkwad!

Immediately, I was annoyed because how the hell was I going to be able to compete with that?

What a jerky thing to do!  Now, I have to try thrice as hard to out do that big bastard!

This is shaping up to be a contest that I will never be able to win.

Then, just as I was getting over that, my friend pulled me over to the side to tell me something.

Something I needed to hear...

Where do you think Santa's Hand was?
Apparently, Santa, that shameless home wrecker, was putting the moves on my wife the entire time he was there.  

My friend told me he was kissing on her and groping her and he even had photographic evidence of it.

Yeah, to the casual observer it looks like Santa innocently has his hand around my wife's shoulder, but if you look a little closer it appears as if Santa had had a handful of her bottom  and was slyly moving his hand back to a more "appropriate" position.  

What is more bothersome than that is, by the looks of it, Mama Bear was rather enjoying the attention!

Not cool Santa!

Not Cool!

You know, I thought she looked a little sheepish when I got there.

Now, I know why!  She was all caught up in the Claus!

She couldn't help it of course.  Santa's a sexy sexy man!

Lucky for me, the only thing that stopped Mama Bear from running off with that lecherous bastard was the fact that Pizzly wanted nothing to do with him.  

Good man!

Take that B!  You may be able to dazzle my wife, but you'll never get to my son!

Who's the man now?! 

Yeah, that's right!  Run on back to the pole and put the moves on your own wife.  Leave mine alone!

It's Christmas for junk's sake!

P.s. I just wanted to thank you to our all our friends at the party.  Pizzly had a great time!  In fact, he had too much fun because he could barely sleep that night for being so excited! 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Learning Curve

I learned two really important things today.

1.) It sucks when your toddler can outrun you so you better keep an eye on him

2.) The mess in the house will still be there when you come back.  It's not going anywhere!

Yes, like magic, Pizzly has just realized that he can run faster and longer than his "gimpy" dad, and it really sucks for me.

Since we were both getting a little stir crazy from staying home all the time, and the house was totally trashed and I really didn't feel like picking up our horrid horrid mess, I decided that today would be a great day to go to the Science Center!  

Who knows the mess might magically get picked up by the time we get home.  

Hey!  You never Know!

Anyway, I thought that I had made a folly in choosing the Science Center as soon as we got to the parking lot because there were 2-3 big yellow buses prominently parked in the most awkward place.  Trying to get around them without getting hit by someone coming out was a trick that I didn't enjoy. 

"Great!" I thought.  "Just what I need a crap load of elementary school aged children running around and acting like little jackals!  Wonderful!"

Well, it turns out that I needn't have worried because all the kids were as polite as can be.  I was rather shocked really.

Anyway, everything was going all right.  Pizzly was making friends like mad and having a blast. Then some teacher started chatting me up, which was odd because usually people run away from me whenever I go out anywhere.  I'd like to think that she thought I was the "Hotness," but, honestly, I was the only other adult in the area, and she seemed just desperate for human interaction.  We have all been there. 

Well, in the brief moment of chit chatting with this overwhelmed looking lady I realized something.  

Something horrid! 

I had taken my eyes off of Pizzly and he was roaming the Science Center as a "FREE AGENT!"

Before you judge me, first realize this.  He couldn't have actually run off because we were in an enclosed room, so he really could not get lost or too far away.  But, the problem was, we were in the room with the cool water feature in it.

Can you guess what my little tyke decided to do?


Yeah, that's right!  The little monster climbed right up into the water feature and was splashing all the other little kids that were around him.  

Man, was I embarrassed!  

Here we were in the midst of a crap load of children, and I had the only one that is drastically misbehaving!  The others weren't even shrieking, screaming, tantrumming, or anything.  I am telling you.  I have never seen so many well behaved children together in one gigantic group ever before in my life.  

It was creepy!

Anyway, when I got the boy out of the water, he, of course, took off like a shot before I could dry him off! 

Trying to catch him was like trying to catch a greased pig, and, apparently, hilarious to watch!  At least the young lady who was chatting me up thought so.  The other kids were pretty aloof to the whole situation.  It was like it made perfect sense to them that there was a soaking wet toddler running around. 

I was so embarrassed!

At first, I decided to give chase, but quickly realized that there was no way in hell that I was going to catch my little runt.  I already needed breather, and he was still going strong.  Then I decided to try another tactic.

I called him over to me, so we could play with the blocks.

Holy crap it worked!  He just sprinted right up to me giggling like a fiend, so I dried him off nonchalantly and we played with the blocks.  I couldn't believe the twerp actually came back to me when I asked him too. 

Maybe he wasn't that bad after all...

Anyway, the rest of the visit was relatively tame.  Sure, there were a few instances of playful shrieking and shouting, but other than that it was pretty tame.

Then we went home and to my disappointment the house was still trashed.


Maybe if I leave it Mama Bear won't notice it and yell at me.

Hey!  It could happen!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Dear Santa,

Here's a pic from last year.  Just
look at that smug Bastard!
Dear Santa,

This year I am not asking for much, and not for anything that you have to make or buy or anything.  The only thing I want from you is for you to stop being such a dick!

I mean really.

It seems like every year I buy anybody anything you have to go and screw everything up by giving them something more extravagant.  Take last year for instance.

Last year I gave Pizzly a few train cars and trucks that I was sure he'd love.  

What did you get him?

A crap load of train track and locomotives, and, to rub it in my face even more, it was all Thomas crap as opposed to my non name brand trains I gave him.

So, of course.  Pizzly likes what you got him more than what I gave him.

Did you really have to make me look bad for my son's 1st Christmas or do you just enjoy being a prick to parents like me?

Whatever the reason, this year I would really appreciate it if this year you let me be the "man" and not outshine my gifts to Pizzly.  I would really appreciate it.

Just a Dizzy Dad