Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Late Everywhere With MY Manly Diaperbag

Ever since the baby was born, I have struggled to get to places on time.  There is always something that I forgot, whether it be bottles, blankets, toys, the diaper bag, or whatever. 

There is so much stuff that babies need.  

I never took this into consideration while he was a fetus.  Sure, I had this huge, manly jeep diaper bag, but that was gifted to me.  That wasn't me planning ahead.  That was me thinking awesome!  This is a totally rad baby bag!  Yes, I know that I did just say rad. 

Anyway, I am very glad I received the bag.  I can fit all sorts of stuff in there.  The only problem is that when I finally have it packed the way I want, my wife goes and adds more stuff.  

I like to be able to fish around in the bag without having to spill stuff over the top of it or take things out.  

Apparently, that's not how my wife rolls.  She likes to have every little space filled to capacity.  It is so bad that there are times when it is hard for me to carry my son and his diaper bag at the same time.  

I am just glad that my manly diaper bag was designed with an extra-large shoulder strap.  Other wise, I would never be able to carry it and baby boy for any length of time.  

Now that he is a little older, I don't have to carry it with me every time I go into a store, which is great because I don't always know what the hell's in that thing, and it gets damn heavy.

What's worse for me than getting to places late, is staying later than I want too once I do finally arrive.  I can't ever go to a store and quickly shop and leave.  There are always what seems like lines of people waiting to bug me and gawk at my son.  

I get it he's cute!  I just heard the same thing from the old lady before you.  Oh, and thank you for the unhelpful, unsolicited advice too.  I'll be sure to take that into consideration next time.  

I am so tired of trying to maintain an air of politeness with these people.  Can't they see I am busy?  I don't go shopping to socialize.  In fact, I usually hate shopping.  I want to get there, get it done, and go home.  But, that is impossible for me now.  

I know that these strangers don't really want to talk to me.  They just feel like they need an excuse to go and bother a perfectly happy little baby boy.  I am just the invisible baby transporter guy.  

It's true.  

More than half the time people start talking as if they are talking to me long before they get anywhere near us.  And, usually, they never even look at me.  So, I know that they are just talking to cover their tracks.  

They don't want to come across as creepy or anything.

When you couple my giganto-bag with the strangers coming up to me in stores, it is probably pretty easy to understand why I look so cranky when I am at the mall or grocery shopping or whatever.  After all, I probably just went in for a gallon of milk and a few loafs of bread, but I ended up staying for an hour or so because I can't extricate myself from creepy baby watchers.  

So, I have a 20 pound baby and a gallon of milk in one arm, and two loafs of bread and my cane in the other hand.  Oh, and I can't forget the huge diaper bag slung over my shoulders too.  So, does this look like a guy who wants you to come and chat with his baby for 45 minutes?  No, probably not.  This is a guy who wants to get to the checkouts and get in his minivan and go home as soon as possible.  

I know.  

You are asking yourself, "Why don't you just get a cart?"  

If I have a cart with me, then I would have no excuse to leave.  I'm sorry.  I would like to get home before the store closes at ten o'clock.  My son would too.  I can't imagine how scary it is for him to have all these weirdo's come out of the woodwork and want to chat him up and hold him, but  I bet it is pretty overwhelming, but he handles it like a little trooper.  

Of course, I never let anyone hold him, which makes me look like an ass.  But, come on people, who is going to let a stranger pick up their kid nowadays?  Not I.  If I had my way you wouldn't even be allowed to look at my kid.  

For the record, I now leave the diaper bag in the van and just bring a spit cloth into the store with me.  It is so much easier that way.  If little man gets hungry because people have kept us there for an extended period of time, I just walk away.  I leave my cart and everything in it and go to the van and feed him.  Then, if I am not too perturbed, I go back and finish my shopping.  

It's a system that works for me because I am not really being rude.  I have to feed my son.  Sorry.  

I really want to know how my wife gets people to leave her alone.  No one ever bothers her like that.  What's the deal?    

I recently found that my darling wife has rifled threw my diaper bag and added what she saw fit.  That's a little irritating, but I appreciate her concern.  I didn't think I needed 150 diapers in there, but, apparently I really do. Probably don't need 15 pairs of pants, 10 pairs of socks, 7 onesies, 3 hats, 4,000 spit cloths, and 8 shirts either, but I am wrong about that too for sure.  The butt cream and baby wipes I do agree with though.  You can't have too many baby wipes around.  

Yes, I might have exaggerated the numbers of things in my diaper bag, but I bet I was really close.  I don't understand why I need all that stuff in there.  I only ever use the diapers, wipes, and butt cream.  I know.  It's nice to have extra clothes in case the little man has a poop-splosion.  But, why so many extra clothes?  

Yes, I know it's winter and it is getting colder, but man oh man that's a lot of stuff.  I can hardly zip the bag up.  If it were up to me, and only me, there would be an extra coat, two pairs of everything else, and maybe 7-10 diapers.  That would be more than enough wouldn't it?  But, it's not up to just me, and I am afraid to dump out the extraneous stuff because then there would be hell to pay.  

Not really.  I would just wake up either dead or with a diaper bag full of stuff again.  My money is on the latter.  But, it is a crap shoot really.  She can get mean sometimes.  

You know, I could probably deal with the huge, filled to complete capacity diaper bag, if I didn't have to deal with all the people that seem to really enjoy bugging my son and I.  I mean, I already have a solution for the diaper bag.  I just leave it in the van.  But, I have to leave everything in the van at this point because I need an escape strategy.  

It would be nice to be able to bring extra bottles into the store with me, so I could shop and feed the boy at the same time.  Well, I wouldn't need to do that, if people would just stay the hell away from me.  So what do I do?  Skip shopping by myself altogether?  No.  That's not good enough.  I'm going to have to suck it up and deal with it.  It is just another aspect of being a parent.  

I am sure that everybody has to deal with complete strangers bothering their kids when they shop.  Well, everybody who doesn't have a butt-ugly kid anyway.  I guess I'll just have to remember my mantra, "It's time to nut up, or shut up!"  Thank you Woody Harrelson for bringing that little gem of a saying to my attention in the movie Zombieland, it has changed my attitude on a number of things.  

But, like I was saying, I'll just have to deal with the strangers in the stores for now with the hopes that my baby turns ugly or something so I can finally shop in peace.  I have also heard that when he gets older people won't be as interested anymore.  How much older?  Maybe I can wait it out.   



  1. Learn to write coherently.

  2. why do people like anonymous above here feel that they have a right to comment on other people's blogs? Take your third-grade education and read something else. You are wasting the time and space of other people who don't care what you think or even that you are alive. So go back to your mother's basement and play x-box or whatever you do. Nobody is asking you to read this. You are pathetic. Vent somewhere else.

  3. Now, there is really no reason for anyone to get upset here. If I didn't want people to feel free to respond anyway they liked, I'd turn off the ability for people to leave uncensored comments.