Sunday, November 14, 2010

Guilt, Jealousy and Lust: What Every First Time Father Faces.

Since the birth of my wonderful son, my relationship with my wife has grown stronger and more loving.  This is true partly because we are trying harder not to fight in front of the little man, and partly because we are just enjoying ourselves so much more than we used to.  

Well, I am anyway.  I haven't asked her, but I am pretty sure it is true for her too.  

Anyway, we try to treat every walk like an adventure, and there are so many adventures that we want to share with him that it is easy for us to forget about our petty little problems because we are accompanying our little guy on an adventure.  

Unfortunately, forgetting our grown up problems means that my wife and I neglect to ever work on our relationship. Fights don't get resolved.  Our burning questions don't get answered.  

All our little arguments are designed to begin when baby's nap time begins and end when he awakens.  

Unfortunately, by the time he falls asleep we have either forgotten that we were ever arguing or we are just too tired to resolve the fight.  Well, it is either that or we don't want to waste a moment of our precious, precious grown up time.  

As many of you know, baby's nap time is mommy and daddy's play time.  The possibilities are endless for right around 45 minutes or even up to an hour and a half if we are really lucky.  Sometimes, if he is really out, I get to watch a movie that doesn't have "Thomas the Tank Engine" in it.  You have no idea how excited that makes me.  

Well...maybe you do.  

I have heard from many of my married with children friends that they miss the luxury of having a bath in the middle of the day, going to a bar on the weekends, or going out to eat anywhere they want at anytime they feel like.  

Yeah that was kind of nice, I'll admit, but I feel guilty thinking it.  I feel especially guilty because my son has added so much to my family and has made it so much better with out even knowing or trying. Come to think of it, I feel like I owe him more than I could ever possibly give.  

Now, I feel really guilty.  

Which brings me to the conclusion that guilt is the quintessential emotion for all fathers/parents because I feel guilty all the time, so, therefore, it must be the same for many others as well.   

Jeez, I hope it's not just me.  Then I'd really feel like a freak.  

You see, anytime that I think that it would be nice to have just some time to myself or whatever, I feel like an asshole.  I feel like I should want to spend every moment I can with my child, but I don't.  There are times when I just want to take a crap without having him with me or wondering if he somehow managed to escape his pack-n-play and is going to get hurt.  

And, if it's not guilt that I'm feeling then it's jealousy.

It amazes me how quickly I can interchange these emotions.

When my wonderful wife comes home from work a switch goes off in my brain and almost immediately I'll start feeling jealous.  Of course, I then feel guilty for being jealous too.  I am not jealous of the attention my son receives from my wife.  I would never begrudge him that.  What makes me jealous is the special bond my wife and son share that no matter what I try, I cannot duplicate with him.  

It's probably because my boobs are too hairy or something.  Well...that, and they don't produce milk either, but that doesn't stop him from biting my tiny nipples whenever I walk around shirtless.  

If having your infant son try to suckle you doesn't destroy your self-confidence as a man, I don't know what will.  I mean I know that they are a bit saggy lately, but they don't really look like breasts do they?  

Anyway, I digress, which I seem to do a lot, but I won't blame it on A.D.D. like a lot of other people do.  

As I was saying before I got side tracked by my voluptuous man boobs, the way that my son and wife interact together is just awesome to watch, but simultaneously saddening to me.  It is a source of supreme jealousy and joy for me.  

I love the way my wife smiles so brightly when she looks at my son, and his corresponding smile when he sees her walking through the door coming home from work.  He gets so excited that I can't help but feel happy.  Yet, I get a little disappointed afterward knowing that I don't have that kind of bond with him.  

I have the crazy, insane version of my baby boy.  I'm jealous that the only time my son hauls ass up to me is when he wants to beat me up a little.  Nope, there are no hugs for daddy.  Daddies are for beating on and biting and making babies laugh till they puke.  

I won't lie.  I think that part of being a dad is great.  I don't care how much baby vomit I have gotten in my eyes and down my shirt, I love rough housing with the little man.  It is always amusing to have him come up to me and beat on me while he is giggling maniacally.  This always makes me smile.  He always makes me smile.  

You know, I guess that after I have thought about it, I really wouldn't change anything about our relationship at all.  Right now, my son and I have a good thing going.  Why would I want to change that?  I'm having a blast and so is he.   So what if momma gets all the hugs and kisses?  Daddy gets all the real fun active play.  The problem, as I see it, is mommy and daddy don't get a lot of time to have their own active play without baby boy.

I don't know about other people's children, but my son seems to have psychic abilities when it comes to mommy and daddy having alone time.  I swear he can be totally asleep, and the moment my wife and I even think about snuggling or anything his eyes pop wide open and he starts screaming.  I didn't know that it was possible for anyone to wake up from a dead sleep two rooms away at the precise moment my wife and I decide to sit and snuggle on the couch or finally start to watch a movie that we have been dying to watch together.  

It's wicked amazing I tell you!  

There have been times when we have waited for two weeks for a chance to sit down together and watch a movie that isn't child appropriate.  

I know what you're thinking.  It's not the TV. that is waking him up.  He does this to us all the time for everything even when all we want is to read a book.  

I am telling you, he somehow senses that my wife and I really want to do something, anything, without him while he is napping, and, without fail, he wakes up immediately and screams until we come pick him up and watch yet another "Thomas and Friends" episode.  

We can forget about ever making love again.  His senses are too strong for that.  At this rate, I don't know if we will ever be able to conceive again.   We'll probably have to hire a baby sitter.  Then, sure enough, we'll probably feel guilty for leaving him with someone else and won't be able to perform anyway.  

No one ever tells you that before you have a kid.  

They never say sex will forever be out of the question.  

Yeah, sure they all tell you that your life is going to change, but not exactly how it's going to change let alone what to do when it does.  Don't get me wrong.  I love how my life has changed.  I truly believe that my baby boy has made me a better person, a less selfish and more understanding person.  But, man!!! Wouldn't it be great to have a sex life again?

However, all in all, I am quite satisfied.  Sex is overrated.  Well, not really, but I can do with out it forever if I have to because I had it at least once before and got a great prize at the end.  My wife and I had a baby, a healthy baby too that we love dearly.  So, whenever I get a little frustrated because my relationship with my wife is less physical than I want it to be, I always think back to before I had my son., and I can't.  

I can't really remember what life was like then.  I'm a parent now.  My pre-parent years have been magically erased.  They have been wiped off the face of the earth, and in place of them there is a beautiful baby boy who is sitting with his momma right now as I am typing this, and if you'll excuse me I am going to go and join them.

1 comment:

  1. OMG you crack me up Jeff! Thanks for sharing your blog, and I hope it keeps coming!! :) Here's to all the other dads out there :)