Friday, November 19, 2010

The Annoying Things People Say to Me When I am With My Son

I firmly believe that all parents hear certain phrases repeatedly, and these utterings can get quite annoying after a while.  I am not sure, but it is either the repetition that gets frustrating or the shear number of dimwitted people out there that pisses us off eventually.  

I am relatively sure it is a healthy mixture of both.  

SO, for future reference, if you want to stop me and look at my son, just ask.  Say, "May I look at your baby?" or something. Don't come up and ask stupid questions or criticize my parenting ability.  

All that does is piss me off, and I am relatively positive that it pisses off other parents too. 

With this in mind I have compiled a brief list of 10 phrases and questions that people have asked me or said to me since the boy was born that irritate the crap out of me.  

I start with ones that only mildly irritate me and end with one that pisses me off big time.

10.) I can't believe he's so well behaved.

For some reason, whenever someone comes up to me and says this to me I automatically get a little defensive.

I don't know about you, but of all the babies I have ever seen they are all either crying, laughing, sleeping, making random noises, or just chilling out.  That is really all they do for quite a while.  

The way I see it, if that is what they are doing then they are behaving well. You can't expect them not to cry occasionally when they are out in public because that is the only way they can communicate.  

So, if my baby is crying or making noise it doesn't automatically mean he is misbehaving.  He is just doing what he is supposed to do, and the same goes for your kid too.

9.) You know your baby's clothes don't match right?

Who the hell cares?! 

I don't see colors all that well.  Sorry, you are going to have to get over it!  

Most often I ignore this comment by pretending that I am deaf or something.  I also found that pretending I am a foreigner works pretty well too.  

Maybe it is just me, but I find it kind of rude when someone decides that it is their duty to inform me that my son's outfit doesn't match.  

I always want to ask, "Do you think it really matters?"  

At least he isn't wearing jeggings, and it's not like he isn't dressed warmly.  Who cares if the colors don't work well together?  

And, one of these days I am going to respond with "By the way, you aren't looking so great either.  Some one really should have told you that spandex pants were never meant to be worn with out something over them.  No one wants to see all that." 

8.) Oh, I am a pro when it comes to babies.

I am sure you are...wait. Why are you telling me this?  

Really, who just comes up to a complete stranger and states that they are a pro with babies?  

I don't care.  No one cares.  Go be a pro with your own kids and leave me alone because I am not impressed.  

Geez...It's like claiming to be a pro at tying your shoes.  

So what?!   

I'm glad that you are proud of being good with your kids.  I really am, but that doesn't mean that I want you telling me what you think I may or may not be doing wrong.  

7.)  Where did he get his red hair from?
What really burns me about this lame question, is that they aren't asking me.  

They actually phrase it, "Where did you get your red hair from little boy?"  

That annoys me because, first of all, it implies a question of parentage, and, second of all, they are asking a baby who obviously cannot speak yet.  

What do they expect him to say, "Um...I believe that the red hair actually comes from some sort of pigmentation created by a combination of eumelanin and pheomelanin of which I have more pheomelanin.  That is why my hair has a reddish tint.  But, I could be wrong."  

No my son is not going to explain that to the retard who is asking him about his red hair.  

Why not?  

Because he is a baby and, he is not allowed to talk to strangers!  Haven't you people ever heard of "Stranger Danger"?!  

And don't bother asking me where he gets his hair color from because I'll probably say something like, "Probably gets it from his father...whoever that is."  

I know that isn't nice, or funny, but what else do I say.  It's an asinine question, especially when whoever asks it has an accusatory tone in their voice.   

6.) Is this your baby?
No.  I just happened to have found this one in the parking lot and thought I'd take him on a parenting test drive.  

Of course he is my son jackal!  

Did you think I went out and bought him somewhere?  

Ok, sorry.  

He actually just magically appeared in my shopping cart, and this isn't really a diaper bag.  It is my man purse.  I hear it is all the rage somewhere.  

In reality, I always answer this question like that, and I have had ample opportunity to practice the response because I get asked this question every time I go anywhere with the boy.  

5.) Are you breast feeding?

I don't know, are you?  

I heard the milk tastes funny.  

Actually, I haven't just heard.  I know that the milk tastes funny.  

The real problem with this question, is that everyone has an opinion on breast feeding.  When I say everyone, I mean, EVERYONE does, even the people that don't have children.  

Give me a break!  Do you really care if my son is breastfed or are you just looking for an avenue to spout your opinions on the matter to me?  Either way, I am busy.  See ya!  

     (To answer any questions, yes, my son is breastfed.)

4.) You shouldn't let him put things in his mouth.

Thank you Captain Obvious!  

I don't know what I would have done had you not been here to tell me that.  

Let's get real here.  My son is nine months old.  Every thing goes into his mouth.  It's not like I am allowing him to put them there.

You know what really annoys me when people say this to me is that when they feel the need to tell me this, they act like they are imparting some dear knowledge to me that only they have gained.  

It's like I would never have known to stop him from putting any random old thing in his mouth had they not told me.  

Trust me, I only look as stupid as you are.  

The other problem I have when people say this to me is my son is usually asleep when they say it.  So, you know they were just fishing around in their empty noggins just searching for any thing that they could tell me so they'd have a reason to bother me.  

Again, if you want to see my baby just tell me or ask me or whatever.  Don't try to act like you want to give me advice.  I'm not going to respond well to it because I have morons like you pestering me every time I go shopping.

3.) He's not old enough to do that yet.

Excuse me?  Who do you think you are?  How do you know how old a baby has to be before they crawl, sit up, hold their head up or whatever?

What do you suggest I do...tell him he has to stop pulling himself up to a standing position because, although he doesn't know it, he is really to young to be able to do that?

Come on!

Babies don't work on schedules.  I don't care what the stupid parenting magazines say.

Please, do me a favor and the next time you feel like imparting some of your wisdom on me that involves the  time frame when things should happen involving my son, don't.  I don't go up to you and say that your five year old should be potty trained and out of diapers do I?  No. 

All I am asking is that you show me the same courtesy.

2.) You're not co-sleeping are you?


What does it matter to you?!

People do it all over the world, and my baby, my wife, and I sleep well all night because no one has to get up and feed him when he is hungry.

I know you have an opinion on co-sleeping, but keep it to yourself because I don't give a loaf about it!

He's been sleeping in our bed with us for nine months now, and, so far, we haven't had any problems what-so-ever.  It's not like I am telling you that you have to do it too, so relax.  Go talk to someone who actually cares about what you have to say.

Here...I'll even give you a quarter so you don't have to call collect if you want to call from a pay phone.  

1.) Where's his mother?

This is probably the most irritating question that I ever get asked when I am out with the little man.  Not only do I hear it every time that we go out, but it is always asked in a nasty, accusing tone of voice.


Can't a father be capable of taking care of his child?  I'm really sorry your father was an jackal and couldn't help raise you. I am also sorry that your husband wasn't helpful in raising your children, but don't put that pilfered bagel on me!  I can parent my child alongside my wife with no problems.  So, bugger off!


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