Saturday, November 20, 2010

The Amazing, Invisible Parent Requests That all You People Stop Biting Him.

Well, I have confirmed it.  Parents are most assuredly invisible entities when their baby is with them.  I thought that all the creepy conversations that strangers have with my son were all just a fluke, but I was dreadfully, dreadfully wrong.  

Actually, it isn't just strangers, but family and friends do this as well.   What's even more disturbing is that it doesn't end with the conversations.  

Apparently, people even mistake me for my baby too.  I am just that invisible.  I am not sure if that's a good thing or not yet.  

On one hand I am largely left alone by them, but on the other hand people do some pretty strange things every now and then.  Like I said, I rather like it when people pester him because that means that they leave me the hell alone, but I am not necessarily sure that I like people bothering my son all the time either especially when they mistake me for him.  

Wait...How is that even possible?  He is nine months old.  I am around 354 months old.

I came to this conclusion that parents are, or at least I am, for the most part invisible a few months ago when I noticed that the strangers who come up and talk to me aren't really chatting with me but to my son.  

"That's odd." I thought.  

Soon after I noticed this oddity, people started tickling me instead of my son when I was holding him.  

Now, that was really weird.  

But, what is weirder still, is that this constant mistaken identity has never stopped.  It is like people can't see me at all, and it;s true that strangers come right up to me and tickle my arm while they coo at the baby.  

Don't they realize that there is a difference?  

I mean, I am a hairy man, and my son isn't quite so hairy.  You can actually see his skin tone on his arms.  With the proper lighting, you can't see the skin on my arms under all my fur.  

I won't lie to you and say that it doesn't scare me that random people come up and tickle me falsely thinking they are tickling the baby because, truthfully, it scares the crap out of me!  

I never see it coming.  How am I supposed to respond to it if I did anyway?  "Umm...Do you realize that you are tickling me and not the baby?"  How awkward is that? 

So far when this has happened I have been able to ignore it because, after all, it really isn't hurting anybody.  There's no sense in embarrassing anyone.  At least there wasn't.  

The problem now is that people seem to want to bite my baby.  Do you know how awkward it is to have random people come up and bite your arm thinking that they are biting the baby?  

No, not real biting, but the fakey play biting people do with babies.  

The very first time it happened to me was when my mom decided to gnaw on my arm.  That, I was ok with because I was relatively sure that she didn't have rabies, but now it has started to occur with other people.  

I want to ask, "How do you not feel the extra long arm hair when you are biting on a grown man instead of a baby?"  I mean that should be a dead give away right?  

It's so creepy!  

You know, I am afraid that if I jump because I get startled one of two things will happen; either the person biting will clamp down hard on my arm, or I will accidentally rip some poor old ladies false teeth out of her skull.  That would just be atrocious.  

Certainly, it would be a disaster that I am not capable of handling emotionally.  I can just picture myself rocking in a corner for eternity after an episode like that. 

No matter what though, I cannot allow this to happen any more.  

People have got to start seeing me because I think that having random people play biting my arm is frying disgusting.  The tickling I can handle...almost when in comparison to the play biting, but I can't handle having stranger slobber on me anymore.  

I mean really, who thinks it is ok to come up to someone and play bite on their baby anyway?  

I get that some of  you probably think that this is perfectly acceptable, but do you think it is perfectly all right to play bite on the baby's father too?  

I don't.  It turns an innocent behavior into something oddly sexual and gross.  Really gross!  I almost fainted when some old lady that goes to my mom and dad's church started nibbling on my arm at WalMart the other day.  

She scared the crap out of me!  

Apparently, she recognized my son from pictures my mom showed her and thought it was a good idea to come and say hi by nibbling on us for a little bit.  

It was disgusting!  

I asked her, "Who the F*&^ are  you, and why the F*&% are you biting me?!"  

That fixed her little red wagon!  

She apologized almost immediately and told me that she went to my mom's church and that my lovely mother said that I was a very relaxed father about letting people handle my son.  


I don't mind letting people I know hold my son and play with him.  I don't, however, like strangers coming up to him randomly and trying to gobble on him like a turkey, and I certainly don't want you nipping me either.  

Anyway, do you know what that old hag said to me next?  She said, "You aught to really be ashamed of yourself for talking like that in front of your beautiful baby?"  I thought about it for a little while.  Then I realized she was right.  I did drop the F-bomb, and I probably shouldn't have.  

In the end, I apologized and told her that she scared the crap out of me.  And, yes, I was in fact, pretty ashamed and embarrassed for speaking like that in public and in front of my son.

But, holy smutmuffins!  How did you think I was going to react after I realized some old lady had my arm in her mouth?

I have to do something because I can't have this stuff happening to me anymore.  Who would have guessed that being a parent could get so creepy?  I know I wouldn't, and  I never would have guessed that I would feel like I needed to boil off the top layers of my skin so often before the little man was born either.  

Oh well, what can you do?        

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